Wednesday, September 26, 2007


I think that Spiderman was kind of sexists. Superman had Wonder Woman and Supergirl. Batman had Batgirl and Robin ('cause let's face it Robin was a pussy anyway). Even in the X-Men, you pair Cyclops with Jean Grey, etc. but no, Spiderman was just spiderman. And I'm necessarily complaining, it actually kind of makes sense. All the swinging between buildings and the way comics are drawn I have to imagine her breasts would get in the way. And if not, just consider the fact that at least Spiderman had Mary Jane to go home to. Spiderwoman would probably end up eating her husband and her kids. So like I said, not necessarily complaining, just making note of the fact that it's kind of sexist. And that I should probably get some sleeping pills or something because this insomnia is totally fucking with my thinking pattern.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Ironic songs

I was listening to the radio again today, and I think I mentioned this before, but in case I didn't 1) radio today sucks and 2) The song Ironic by Alanis WhateverTheFuckHerNameIs is completely not ironic at all. It's just a string of really depressing, fucked up coincidences. Irony: the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning. Now if she had said "a beautiful rainy wedding day" that would be ironic because you don't equte beautiful days with rainy. It's kind of ironic that the guy who doesn't like to fly dies in a plane crash, but it's only ironic because he says "now isn't thic nice" when he's fucking dying. That doesn't make the song ironic, it makes the song a giant pile of shit that hurts my ears. And I still have "what the world needs now is porn gay porn" stuck in my head.

Monday, September 17, 2007

TV sponsership

I don't want my TV shows to be brought to me by Vagisil. I realize they have to advertise but I have serious reservation about anything in that product family sponsering a particular show. to be fair, I'd feel the same way if Viagra or Enzyte tried to sponser a show. Quite frankly I just don't want to consider how they'd do product placement for something like that. Snapple I can see on Heroes or whatever, but Vagisil? Explain to me, if you can, how you do Vagisil product placement in the Sopranos? I really don't think it's doable. And while some of the scenes in 24 might be kind of intense, I certainly can't see Jack Bauer torturing a guy with some Tampax because it was the only thing around. Don't get me wrong, I can figure out how he would do it, just that I can't see that one being written in. I guess if you get a show like CSI or NCIS, you can probably work in a way for them to "find" some VALTREX herpe medication on some dead person but really now, would it improve the plot line any? Fuck no.

So please, TV advertisers and people in charge of marketing budgets larger than twice my annual salary, please, stop fucking with my TV. Because when I'm watching 30 Rock and eating some chips and salsa, I don't want to have to consider how much more absorbent Always are over Stayfree.

The interesting thing to me is the actors on those ads. Can you imagine the guy on the VALTREX commercials? This guy is now proud to be the national face of herpes. And if anybody actually watched those commercials, I would say that they didn't pay the dude nearly enough because he is never getting laid again every unless the chick already has like Chlamydia. Yes, that's right I can spell Chlamydia, get fucking over it. My point is that the guy might as well pack his dick in a box, 'cause it ain't gonna be used for much else for quite some time.

The song that's stuck in my head right now.....

What the world needs now is porn, gay porn
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is porn, gay porn,
Be careful he's about to come, on everyone.

What the world needs now is porn, gay porn
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is porn, gay porn,
Be careful he's about to come, on everyone.

Lord, we don't need another mountain,
There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb
There are oceans and rivers enough to cross,
Enough to last till the end of time.

What the world needs now is porn, gay porn
Be careful he's about to come, on everyone.

What the world needs now is porn, gay porn
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is porn, gay porn,
Be careful he's about to come, oh, on every, every, everyone.

This is what happens when I drink too much coffee

Monday, September 10, 2007


Work is like smoking, I'm trying to quit.

50 Cent

If 50 Cent had a coupon, wouldn't that be like 37 Cent? But then after sales tax, that's like 42 Cent maybe? Still seems like a nigga just can't catch a break.

Faith in Myself - repost

It would be a lot easier to have faith in myself if i hadn't let myself down so many times in the past.

Escalators - repost

People need to learn how to just say what they want to say. Communication is important. For example, some people say wee need to "save the planet." Bull. this planet has survived multiple ice ages, multiples exchanges of the poles, giant meteors crashing into it and the music of Yanni. This planet will survive long after people. And that's what they really mean: "save the people." Well, screw that, some people ought to die. Like people who stop walking once the step onto an escalator. What suddenly you become paraplegic for the 15 seconds it takes to go up a flight, but then you're perfectly okay, once you reach the lower gravity at the top? You have legs USE THEM!

The Three R's - repost

Why are we teaching the "three R's"? That doesn't make sense. That would be reading riting and rithmatic. Which i guess would explain a lot of test scores. But if you want to be real about it, what we're really teaching is Writing, Arithmetic and Reading, and if you want an acronym: WAR. We're teaching war, which is probably why we're so eager to wage war. And we're good at it too. But INSURGENCY is too many letters, take too long for our kids to learn. That'd be like Integers, Numbers, Science, Useful shit like math, Reading, Golf (which should be a priority), Emergency Medicine, Neurosurgery, Calligraphy and Yak milking. Way too much for the average Junior High curriculum.

On Suicide - repost

Why is suicide illegal. I can see attempted suicide, but if i go through with it, what more can you do? toss my dead ass in jail? how do you obtain a confession for that sort of thing? certainly the bad cop/good cop routine wouldn't work. Neither would torture so it seems pretty unlikely that the authorities could do a damn thing about it.

Your God - repost

your god is a figment of my imagination

Foo Fighters - repost

If fire fighters fight fire right? and Freedome Fighters fight freedom, but what do the Foo Fighters fight? How the hell does one fight a Foo? Is there some special training for that?

Sometimes it's better..... - repost

Sometimes it's better to get knocked down and beat up than beat down and knocked up.

One more of my problems - repost

I think I've figured out my problem. too many people piss me off. Llike Yanni fans.

Raisins - repost

You know what a raisin is? It's a waste of a perfectly good grape.

I'm a light sleeper - repost

I don't like to be disturbed when I'm asleep. Which is just as well, because the people who talk to me when I'm awake usually say I'm pretty disturbed

God Needs Rest??? - repost

Okay. God created the heavens and the earth in six days and on the seventh day he rested. What the hell is this?!?!?!? What is God doing resting? He's omnipotent he shouldn't need a nap! If God needs to rest then he's not so bloody omnipotent is he? And if he doesn't need to rest what the hell is he doing resting? What a slacker. Dude makes everything in six days, has the rest of eternity to enact his master plan and he decides to kick back and have a beer and a nap?!?!? If this is how to be God-like, fine with me, I can slack off with the best of them, but it's really going to screw over a lot of Protestants and Mormons. So in order to be God-like, we should all be slackers. I mean really, if i wanted an omnipotent being who took breaks whenever he chose, I hire a substitute teacher or something.

M1A1 Tank - repost

M1A1 Abrams Tank....The ultimate family SUV.

Lions and Babies

I wonder if lions think of human babies the way humans think of veal

Rules to Live by - repost

Three Rules of Shit to Live Life by:
I have my shit, it's not yours.
don't take shit from anybody
try not to give a shit about too much.

Legally Drunk - repost

When I'm legally drunk, then it's perfectly legal so what's the problem?

Sarcasm - repost

Sarcasm is one of the many free services I offer

Okay. Fine. I take it back - repost

Okay, fine, I take it back. Unfuck you!

States of Conciousness - repost

In Hinduism, there are more than 25 states of consciousness. The only one i care about is the "un" state.

Star Trek Communicators - repost

How come the communicators in Star Trek don't have any cool ring tones like cell phones?

Bill Clinton's Tan - repost

If a Bill Clinton got a really really dark tan, would he be considered blacker than Colin Powell? Or blacker than Colin Powell AND Condi Rice put together?

Bob Dole and Elmo - repost

Have you ever noticed how both Elmo and Bob Dole refer to themselves in the third person and they have equivalent vocabularies?

Well, except for Viagra because Elmo doesn't have any problems getting it up.

God and Masturbation - repost

If God helps those who help themselves, why is masturbation a sin? When I whack off, God should be sending throngs of naked women to my door. On the same note, by Catholic anti-abortion thought, masturbation is really like murdering a few billion potential people. Wow! I've killed more people than Hitler!!!! unless he used to whack off too.

Starbucks Pisses Me Off - repost

The next time some brew monkey at Starbucks asks me if i want a Mocha Grande Caramel Lotta Crappa, I'm going to jump over the counter and take a large cup of that organically grown earth friendly Sumatran blend shit and pour it down his fucking pants! And let's get something straight okay - IT'S LARGE!!!!! not grande. The only fucking grande Igive a shit about is the Rio Grande that the illegal Mexican immigrants have to cross to come sell drugs in my neighborhood. IT'S LARGE!!!!!!!. The one bigger than the other ones. The moron who can't figure out what large is deserves to be boiled in a vat of Yuban then rolled around in Folgers crystals.

Practice - repost

I am very seriously worried about the fact that I have a 50 year old doctor who has done nothing but practice his entire career. I mean i practice, but at some point before I reach middle age I hope to be able to do more than practice. Basketball players practice too, but at some point they do actually play a game. Besides which if this guy has spent decades in training he's either got some incredible skills or he just possibly the worst student in the game.

Christmas Cards - repost

Some people get Christmas cards. I get Christmas solicitations. 'Tis the season to be hitting me up for monetary donations I suppose. Though you would figure that they could at least wait until tax time gets a little closer.

The proof that people only like me when they want something from me is that I got one Christmas card in the week before Christmas but I got 5 solicitations. One was from the blood bank. Not only do you want my money, now you want to literally suck the life out of me. Merry Christmas to you too.

Work Habits - repost

Work habits are only terrible if you develop them. If you don't get into the habit of doing work, you can never develop any bad work habits. Ask anyone who's worked, they all think work is terrible. They've just gotten into the habit of going to work. Those are the truly terrible work habits.

Pink Panthers - repost

A recent decision by by the Massachusetts Supreme Court to legitimize gay marriage has made me wonder if gay people need some sort of militant organization to drum up sentiment across the nation. I propose the formation of a group modeled after the Black Panthers. They could be the Pink Panthers. The best dressed militant organization the world will ever know. Plus, after they do a drive by on your house, they'll remodel it to make it look FABULOUS!

Rain and Platform Shoes - repost

The past two days of rain have made me realize why women wear the massive platform shoes - no wet socks when you accidentally step in a puddle.

Renmaing Alcohols - repost

Distillers need to start naming alcohols after women. That way when I'm I tell people I had a little bit of Hellen Johnson it sounds like I had sex instead of had a drink. Besides which, when I say I have a date with Hiram Walker or Jack Daniels, it just sounds a bit too gay.

Mormon Heaven - repost

So I had these two Mormon missionaries come and visit me they told me there isn't really a hell just sort of different levels of heaven. So when they die they go to a "good heaven". But a non-Mormon, like a Jew or something goes to lame heaven, which I guess isn't really Hell, but is sort of like Heck. I still not sure I grasp all the details but from what I gather, in good heaven you get like a dozen wives and a large house and all the good stuff. Except that I'm not mormon so even if I'm a good person I go mediocre heaven which is probably something like one wife and maybe a kid in a decent two bedroom apartment. Except that I probably haven't been all that good so I'll probably end up with two ex-wives, a girlfriend and maybe a steady hooker if I haven't been a total asshole.

Working for the Environment - repost

I like the environment. I think it would be cool to do some work to help the environment. You know, help endangered animals and stuff. It would also be kind of cool at parties. I bet there's a whole bunch of Chinese Panda bear scientists that have all kinds of fun at parties. "Hey, Wang! So what are you doing now?" "Well, at the moment, I manually masturbate and impregnate pandas by hand." That is such a cooler job description than "I grade the homework of college freshmen"

Arabs totally ripped off the Japanese - repost

I'm finally glad I can say that somebody stole some idea from the Japanese instead of the other way around. Arabs didn't just think of that flying airplanes into stuff out of thin air. Hell no. Remember the Japanese Kamikaze flyers in WWII? Yep, Mohammed Tokunaga. He was a convert. The difference is that the Japanese could afford to buy their own airplanes. They didn't have to go around stealing shit. What Islamic fundamentalists need to do is think up some truly original shit. Like a venereal disease that you give yourself. That would be original. Suddenly millions of American teenage boys are no longer fit for military services. Now that would be smart.

Definately Not Enough Sleep - repost

I know I don't get enough sleep at night. This morning after the sun came up I spent five minutes walking around my apartment trying to find the switch to turn the sunlight off.

Afterparties - repost

I wonder what an after party for an orchestra after-party would be like. Pretty boring stuff probably. I wonder what would happen if people got mixed up and instead of going to the after-party for the orchestra, they went to the after-party for Nine Inch Nails or Marilyn Manson. Now that would be amusing. I'd be like mixing Handel's Messiah and Anti-Christ Superstar.

Accept the French - repost

It has come to my attention that some people need to be a little more goddamn acceptant about what people eat, culturally speaking. I was walking down the street the other day and somebody say "hey dude, how does a dog attack a Filipino? Indigestion!" Now don't get me wrong, I can understand that at some point in time, Filipinos ate dogs, but then at some point in time, people used to wear Afro's and bell bottoms. Hell if you want to really get into it, the Donner party ate real ribs so I think we need to take some perspective here. I needn't remind you that the French still eat snails. I'd eat Lassie or Old Yeller before I eat a French snail.

Knock It Off - repost

You'll never guess the great opportunity that has been afforded to me. It turns out, and I have no idea how I might be so special as to have been selected for this offer, but I can get Viagra at a really great deal! a super discount! I got this email today that tells me that most places charge like twenty bucks but I'm so special I can get it for only $2.45. LISTEN UP! ALL YOU ASSHOLES THAT KEEP SENDING ME THIS NEED TO DIE!!!!!! Not only is this annoying on a spam level, but it's sort of just rubbing it into my face that I haven't gotten laid lately. SO KNOCK IT OFF!

PhD - repost

So my experience at uni has finally provided one significant insight. Most of the time, PhD just means Phucking Dumb.

Solution For All Technical Problems - repost

I don't usually mind giving tech advise or helping people fix computer and random stuff like that. Especially if dinner or some other meal is involved, but just to try and lighten the load a bit I figure I should give out the ultimate tech tip. This will solve any problem on any piece of computer or electronic hardware. period. Anyway, the generic solution for all technical problems: beat it with a stick.

Seat Belts - repost

A thought just occurred to me on the way to uni today. Seat belts, cars have them, space ships don't. I mean NASA space shuttles do, but in TV shows they're totally absent. If a car moves at 60 mph. and a space ship moves at 60 times the speed of light, which one needs the goddamn safety restraints more? And car seats. granted you didn't see too many toddlers onboard the Enterprise, but they must have at least considered that you might, conceivably, one day transport a kid. How would you put in a car seat?

Jesus Is Veal - repost

I look at food the way that most people view religion. I like knowing that some animal died a horrible tortured death so that i can have a good meal. People appreciate Jesus because he sacrificed himself to benefit you. Likewise, people should appreciate the veal calf that has to lie in its own feces so that you can have the softest possible steak. Granted, a good meal isn't exactly eternal salvation, but then i wouldn't say that you should appreciate dinner at the same level you appreciate a deity.

I Like Babies - repost

I like babies, they taste like chicken

Newton - repost

I'd be willing to bet that given the amount of litigation today, if Newton sat under the tree and got hit in the head with the apple, he'd just say "fuck this whole gravity thing, I'm going to sue"

Stealing Gospel Music - repost

Do kids who steal gospel music on the internet go to hell? If they do, are they forced to listen to New Age music and Yanni albums and Radio Disney for all eternity?

Spreading the Gospel - repost

One of the major tenets of Christianity is spreading the gospel. And all the major commandments are about not stealing. You don't steal other people's stuff, don't steal other people's wives, etc.) So what would happen if someone stole a bible to spread the word of God? Is that a sin or a virtue?

Coolest Job Edit - repost

I was watching the movie Armageddon (spelling? anybody?) the other day and I was at the part where Bruce Willis was talking to the NASA guy who's name I should remember, he was saying something to the effect of"You're NASA I'm sure you have some guy sitting somewhere just thinking shit up, and some guy backing him up." That would be a very cool job title to have: "Guy at NASA who thinks shit up", or "NASA shit thinker upper guy" or even better would be the "NASA backup shit thinker upper guy". That's the kind of job title I would leave on my resume.

Meatloaf - repost

If you were doing an interview with Meatloaf would you call him Meat? or Mr. Loaf? What if he was vegan? Would he change his name to Tofuloaf? Would he have to be tested for Mad Cow Disease? Does he put Loaf, Meat on his passport? Wouldn't that be a cool check to try and cash "pay to the order of: Loaf, Meat. $------50,000"

Legally Gay - repost

Reuters (and pretty much everybody else) is reporting that gay people can now marry in Massachusetts. I guess that means that people are now able to be legally gay.

Teaching and Preaching - repost

The difference between teaching and preaching is that as a preacher I would try to convince you that God knows everything and a teacher would try to convince you that he knows everything.

Babies and Cigars - repost

A classmate of mine just had a baby and they were giving out cigars (woo! thanks Dara and Ryan). I figured out why the tradition exists. Mostly it kills you faster. That's pretty much it. You slowly die from this point forward anyway and the cigars (damn that had quite a kick considering I don't smoke) are just a little way to speed up the process. And you get cancer. If you're lucky you get throat cancer and you can get one of those voice boxes and start freaking out kids. Every day becomes Halloween!

Martha Stewart - repost

I wonder if Martha Stewart is going to be someone's bitch in prison. I would love to see that. "That's right Martha toss my salad!". "But this isn't a proper salad. There's no baby spinach and it needs the proper dressing, maybe a nice balsamic vinaigrette"

Soy Milk - repost

Soy milk is the biggest fucking scam ever perpetrated on the human population. Even bigger than dry cleaning. Dry cleaning is a big fucking scam too. First off, dry is not a thing so you can't clean with dry. Even worse, If I give you a shirt caked in mud and I tell you to clean it without using any liquids what the hell are you going to do, blow on it? Maybe make a dry rub? Anyway, back to soy milk. There is no soy based animal and therefore no soy milk. The Discovery Channel doesn't to any documentaries on the Soyalopes of the African Plains or the Tofullo of the American West. There are goats and they give goat milk. There are cows and they give cow milk. There are no soy animals and there is no soy milk. It's all a big fucking marketing ploy because if they called it soy juice, which is what it is, they nobody would buy it. Apple juice, yeah, orange juice, sure, tomato juice, eh, if you're into that sort of thing, but soy juice, I mean who the fuck would buy that.

Fish Sperm - repost

Wired news is reporting that sperm counts are dropping in humans and in animals and "even fish." Boy would that be a shitty job. I mean first of all, how does one test fish sperm? "Excuse me, Mr. Salmon is it? Would you mind spewing in this cup for me? Thanks. We've got some videos and magazines if you need them. The usual, Playboy, Penthouse, Saltwater Fishing" But even worse, can you imagine being the person who applied for and then got this job? "Hi there Bob, it says here on your resume that you've got some experience in genetics and you certainly do know your way around the lab. But do you know how to check the sperm count on a trout? Have you ever checked sturgeon spunk to see how many blanks he's shooting?" Still, it's probably a better job than the one I have.

Dressing the Pope - repost

I was just watching a news clip of GW Bush's visit with the Pope. It was the Pres., the Pope and, the First Lady and the Pope was wearing a longer dress than the First Lady. Just thought I'd share. 'cause I'm generous like that. I like to share.

Introductory Math - repost

The problem with taking lots of math and science at university is that you can take 300 or 400 level classes that are still called introductory. I took a class that was an introduction to partial differential equations. Four goddamn semesters of calculus let to an introduction class. What the hell is this. I take all this math only to learn, oh, by the way, there is so much other shit out there that you don't know and we just want to point out how stupid you are that we're going to introduce you to differential equations. There's lots more shit to differential equations but we just want to introduce it to you to point out how far you are from ever grasping this stuff. That's like an introduction to dating a model or movie star. Oh by the way, you're such a loser that we know you couldn't possibly get someone like this, but we'll introduce you just to point out how far from reality this could possibly be. Okay so I'm mixing complaints here. I guess the point is that after multiple semesters of math at a university you would expect to move beyond introductory shit and move on to...I don't know, maybe intermediate shit. God forbid I should get an advanced education and only get introduced to these concepts.

Monopoly - repost

If I had a lot of money I think it would be really fun to play monopoly with real money. I bet Scrooge McDuck does that a lot.

Gay Marriage - repost

There's an ongoing attempt by right wing groups and legislators to get a marriage amendment to the Constitution passed banning same sex marriage. Does this seem stupid to anyone else? I mean isn't the massive divorce rate a bigger threat to marriage than gay people? If half of the marriages now end in divorce how much worse can gay people make it? I think divorce is probably the biggest risk to marriage. And if i had to guess, I'd say the second biggest threat is the TV show Friends. That bunch of whackos is more inbred than the Bush Regime. Right wing Americans should want gay marriages if just to boost the numbers.

Coahing Salaries - repost

I guess I wasn't paying that much attention to the amount of money UH pays it's football coach. Our portion of his salary comes to $400,008. What in the fuck is he going to do with the extra $8? I'd say it covers a couple of days or parking but I'd be willing to bet he gets his own parking space anyway. Who in the world would negotiate for an extra $8 bucks? Can you imagine negotiations stalling because we refused to cover his budget for the one extra meal at Zippy's?

TSA and gas - repost

If you want to fuck with airport security, walk through the checkpoint naked. For more fun, do a strip tease as you do. For even more fun, request they do a search on you and when they wave the magnetic detector thing over your crotch, make a beeping noise. Explain that when you get a hard on "metal stuff starts flying at me". Volunteer to give them a urine sample, don't take no for an answer. Tell them that you are carrying weapons of mass destruction because last night was burrito night and you have some gas that's silent but deadly.

Nutrition Labels - repost

If a bottle of water has a nutrition information label, how come a bottle of Tylenol doesn't? I know that a tic-tac is a 1 1/2 calorie breath mint, how many calories does Aspirin have? nobody knows. Does Advil count as a carb for my Atkins diet?

The Punisher - repost

I just watched the movie The Punisher (sue me, this is about as current as I get) and the main evil guy kills his wife with a train. A fucking train. I mean really, what is this a bugs bunny cartoon? Honestly now, who still kills with a train? The guys has bodyguards all around with lots of guns and he kills her with a train.

Car analogies - repost

I often use car analogies when talking to non-tech people about computers. Just like a car, you have to do regular maintenance on your computer in order to get it to run well. You can modify a car to get better performance, same as a computer. I recently got to wondering what analogies people would use for this sort of thing before the invention of the car? "Dude, this is just like your cotton gin, if you want to get the best performance you have to take regular care of it." "Well, yeah, of course it's going to act like a piece of junk, i mean you don't go around writing with your quill and not clean it, do you?!?!" I bet people had a hard time finding analogies.

Rick James - repost

Rick James died. Apparently he wasn't all that mighty mighty. It would have been much funnier if they found him in a brick house.

Head Trauma - repost

Someone asked me this evening if I know how my retina got detached. I remember being asked by the doctor if I had suffered any head trauma. I have to say, I don't remember getting hit in the head. But then, if I got hit in the head hard enough, I wouldn't remember now would I?

Stuck in an elevator - repost

You know what would really suck? Getting stuck in an elevator with a Jehovah's witness when the power goes out. And just in case you wonder if I'm worried about them reading this and getting offended, I'm not worried, because none of them knows how to operate a computer.

Legalize it - repost

I just want to point something out. Not having legalized weed is totally fucking stupid. What damage does a stoner do? I mean, crack addicts steal stuff, ice addicts beat your ass in then steal stuff, what's the worst a stoner would do? Sit at home on a couch going "dude, we need to go to Zippy's for some chicken". Fuck, the only time you'd be in danger from a stoner is if you're a bag of tacos or a pizza.

Crying Over Spilled Milk - repost

I dropped a bottle water this afternoon. The top popped off and water starting gushing all over the place. Naturally I start swearing up a storm, as I'm in public, some ass walks by and says "don't cry over spilled milk." First of all, I spilled water you fuck. I'm not crying over spilled milk. And I'm not crying. Bitch, moan, swear sure. Cry, not so much. Secondly, you have to wonder whether that sort of phrasing would translate very well. Like say I found an Indian guy, milk is sacred to Hindu people, so wouldn't it be perfectly natural to cry over spilled milk to a Hindu guy? I mean, you tell him "don't cry over spilled milk" and he's go fucking berserk. He'd be all "what are you fucking nuts! It's milk, of course I'm going to cry over it you fuck. Thank you, come again." Of course you could also go next door to Pakistan and talk to someone there and he'd say "no, no, milk, is fine to cry over. It's 'don't cry over spilled blood of the infidel' That's the phrase." So it's really just more an Americanism than a universal truth and people should stop saying it.

Amish - repost

I wonder if amish kids ever get really pissed off at their parents later on in life. I mean you pop on into a city and suddenly you see light bulbs and go "holy shit! I mean I knew we were pretty bad off, but damn, even homeless people get some light bulbs in the evening." Or they get all confused and order a large coffee drink from starbucks and get all wired. Can you imagine what that level of caffeine and sugar must be like to an amish person. It's got to be like crack. Seriously, to the amish, the starbucks people must be like drug dealers. "This is legal? You're shitting me! There's no way this is legal." Frappacino, the amish methamphetamines.

Election Day - repost

I ended up working at the election polls on primary election day, and I'll probably end up working on general election day as well. The place I was working at was a total bust though. The whole day was pretty boring, I spent hours trying to think up some ways to impregnate or hang a chad.

Duck - repost

I would really love to know the origin of the word "duck" to mean that you should move downwards. Of all the things that ducks do, actually ducking probably isn't one of the more common ones. I mean they very commonly fly, hell they even fly in groups, thus flocking. and flock sounds more like duck. Ducking isn't really something you see real ducks doing. If some shit is in their way they usually fly over. The word makes no sense. I'd be like me yelling at someone who stopped breathing "FISH! FISH DAMMIT! COME ON FISH!".

Kids are slackers - repost

Kids are a bunch of slackers. Not a single 7'th grader is registered to vote. What a bunch of assholes, going around putting off their voter registration until the last minute. Why not register early for the 2010 election? Fucking procrastinators.

Texas - repost

Somewhere in history books, it should be noted that among the greatest American fuck-ups of all time was not letting Texas be it's own independent third world nation. Aside from Dell computers and Austin City Limits, they really haven't been that much of a plus for the nation.

Traffic - repost

Sitting in traffic yesterday, it began to dawn on me that OJ Simpson didn't get stuck in traffic. Is that what I have to do now? I mean honesty I have to fucking kill someone to get someplace, start lining 'em up. I'll one up OJ, have some people stand in the middle of the freeway and I'll just mow them down. How the hell did OJ not get stuck in traffic in LA?!?!?!? Some shit's just not fair.

nougat - repost

Has anybody figured out what the fuck nougat is and where it came from? If you know, please clue me in, 'cause it seems to be just about the most unnatural thing I've come across.

AA chants and CEO's - repost

I live behind a church. Twice a week there are AA meetings. Yes, I should probably attend them but that's not the point. At the end of each meeting they all say a little chant/cheer thing that goes like this: "your best thinking got you here. 90 services in 90 days. Fake it 'til you make it. Keep it simple, stupid. Keep coming back, it works if you work it, you die if you don't, so work it, you're worth it!" I think this applies to a lot of shit. Corporate tax breaks, subsidies and handouts for example. Can't you just see the CEO's lobbyists chanting that all the way up the Hill? Or Ken Lay and Enron chanting that as they walk into the White House? Pretty cool how alcohol and government handouts to rich assholes are related isn't it?

Your Opinion - repost

I see this "IMHO" thing a lot on the Internet, IM's and such. Until recently I didn't know what the hell it meant. Now that I know it means "In My Humble Opinion" it kind of pisses me off. First of all, if you had any humility at all, you would realize that I don't give a fuck about your opinion and you wouldn't give it to me in the first fucking place. Secondly, since you are giving me your opinion and blatantly doing so, the least you can do is not try to bullshit me by lying and saying you're humble. You're not being humble, you're not even being honest with yourself about trying to be humble, so fucking knock it off. That's why people watch Fox News. Fox might lie to you, but they openly admit it's opinionated bullshit and not fact. O'Reilly isn't a credible news source and he doesn't try to be fucking humble about it. I take your opinion with just about as much credibility as Tucker "buttboy" Carlson, so don't try and be all fucking humble, it doesn't suit you. Stop using IMHO, just fucking say it: "well I'm pretty much of an idiot, but I think..." At least you're being honest. None of this fake humility bullshit.

Economic Stimulus Plan - repost

Here's my economic stimulus plan that has the added benefit of increasing voter turnout, especially among the younger voters. FREE BEER! Show your voter receipt at any participating bar and receiver a voucher for two free beers, federally funded. Two beers isn't enough to get drunk but it is enough to get people to vote. They vote, then they drink. Two beers encourages them to buy more, and maybe have something to eat, thus providing revenue for bars, restaurants and food services. When they drink too much, the drive home drunk, end result being more auto accidents which provides more business for insurance companies and medical professionals further simulating the economy, especially in the already high growth, high revenue health care sector. After they recover they need to drive home but since they crashed their cars, they'll need to buy new ones, promoting auto sales and with auto sales, manufacturing jobs can stay in the US. It's the circle of drinking, by offering two free beers we increase voter turnout, provide economic stimulus to small business owners of restaurants and food service workers, keep health care industry revenues high and prevent US manufacturing jobs from being outsourced to Mexico. I'd like to see either Kerry or Bush top that shit.

The FCC - repost

I took a break from reading this evening to watch TV. The X-Files movie was on. Nifty. Anyway, in a block of three commercials, all three were political campaign ads. Not that anyone in charge of selling ad time to politicians is reading this but please stop. Really, just stop. It's hurting my feeble little mind. I can't take it. If the FCC prevents the use of the word "fuck" on broadcast TV and says that Janet Jackson's nipple isn't worth looking at,, it should regulate the overflow of bullshit ads that end up making me say "fuck" at broadcast TV every 15 seconds. Really, just, just fucking stop. I can't handle two more days of this shit.

El Presidente Shrub - repost (old)

So El Presidente Shrub won. Some people are mad at those undecided voters now. I'm really more angry at the decidedly fucking idiotic voters. All this really proves is two things 1) People are totally fucking stupid and not only like to be buttfucked by the government, they're happy about it and 2) These are people so stupid I wouldn't trust them to flush public toilets, let alone elect top public officials. What they should do is flush the top elected officials and vote on the nicest public toilets. It'd fuck up the world a lot less for the rest of us who aren't morons.

Karl Rove is a Pimp - repost

Karl Rove is a pimp. I don't mean that in the good way that Kid Rock called Clinton a pimp, I mean literally, Rove is whoring out the Presidency to the craziest motherfuckers on the face of the planet. I soooooo miss the hanging chads.......fuck.

Foucault - repost

Michele Foucault, as pompous and full of horse shit as his name implies.

Vegetarians - repost

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Vegetarians - repost

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Presidential Selection - repost

Presidents should no longer be elected. Each of the parties, including the Greens or anybody else, should be allowed 1 nominee for President and one for VP. The FEC (Federal Elections Committee) then organizes a Moral Kombat Death Match to determine the winners.

Gay bar - repost

The concept of a gay bar is very confusing. With the exception of maybe sake and brandy, drinks are cold. When you drink a beer it should be ice cold, but gay people are usually pretty flaming.

Personality - repost

I've heard women say that they look for personality in men. That they go for the funny ones. That's crap. I can prove it too. Put a short, fat, bald guy with a good sense of comic timing next to a tall, dark and handsome guy with a speech impediment and 999.8 times out of 1000 short, fat and, bald loses. That's why Tom Cruise got Nicole Kidman and Tom Arnold got Roseanne Barr. There are two exceptions to this. First, if the guy has truckloads of money and might die soon and secondly, if the woman has worse eyesight than me.

Worst Job - repost

I think that in the long term, probably the worst job I can imagine is being a plastic surgeon who does breast implants. I mean, it would be an interesting conversation starter at parties but other than that, it's a total downer. First off, I would hate to come to work day in and day out and get stressed out about breasts. It would totally ruin the appeal of breasts and I would really hate to ruin something like that. Plus, it's not like you could enjoy them at all. Women come in wanting to impress their husbands or boyfriends or girlfriends, whatever. So if you're any good at your job, you're bestowing a great gift on someone else that you can't even enjoy afterwards. And all that stuff about a job well done being it's own rewards is total bullshit.

When in Rome - repost

There's a cliche phrase "when in Rome do as the Romans do" and Romans speak Latin. I however, am not in fucking Rome, nor have I been to Rome and despite the fact that I have studied Latin (carpe piscis; seize the fish) I see no sense in having to use it for the study of law. Perhaps if I was studying law at the fucking Vatican I would want to make sure I could conjugate the subjunctive, but please somebody explain to me the rationale of using terms like "habeas corpus", literally, "you have the body", instead of "hey , I'm not supposed to be locked up. This is bullshit, take me to court so they can tell you to release me and go fuck yourself, 'cause I'm not supposed to be in here." Using Latin only on specific phrases only serves the purpose of offering Jeopardy! writers more material. When 99% of the writs, petitions, opinions, etc. are in English and you just toss in a few Latin phrases, it's not because you're smart, it's because you're a pretentious asshole. Pick a language and stick with it.

Choice - repost

Something is seriously wrong with choice in this country. There are 31 flavors of ice cream at Baskin Robins. You can get dozens of different combinations of pizza. There used to be seven major oil companies, now there are only three, soon there will be only two. There are only two significant political parties in the US. Isn't that sort of telling in terms of available choice?

Truth in Advertising - repost

I would love to see “truth in advertising” laws put into effect. I would get mail that says, “You have already lost,” or “not even close,” or “Even we cannot believe how poorly you did in this contest. We didn't possibly think anyone could do this bad. In fact, you now owe us money.”

Skeet - repost

Do you think that actor Skeet Ulrich's parents ever considered his name in the context of sport shooting? I would love to see him sign up at a gun club as "skeet". I mean honestly, anyone named Skeet is actually asking to be shot.

Ice Skating - repost

So I was just watching some ice skating (I know what you're thinking, fuck you, I was flipping channels on my way to Austin City Limits) and there was some girl just finishing a performance. She comes off the ice in the typical skimpy figure skater costume and get's met by some guy wearing a long, heavy, very warm coat. You're skating on ice, the whole place is pretty cold, and it's the middle of winter. This asshole is wearing a coat, and she's just sitting there in what looks like a leotard with glitter and a short skirt. You'd think he'd offer her a jacket or something. What a prick.

Choosing a Religion - repost

Over the weekend, I've had two different Jehovah's witnesses come bother me and this past week, I had some mormons yammer at me on the street. I figure there are all sorts of different groups trying to help me find my salvation that I should start negotiations with them all. See what kind of deals I can get from each. I mean on the one had you have your Jews and Yom Kippur which means one day of fasting and everything for the year is wiped clean. Much better than catholics and lent. On the other hand, Mormons get polygamy and get to claim divine intervention on the part of Ken Jennings, but they have tithing which would kind of suck. I need to sit them all down and see who can negotiate the best deal.

Weathermen - repost

It's Monday and the evening news just had weather forecasts for the coming weekend. You can't even get tomorrow's weather correct, what the fuck are you people doing trying to predict five days in advance. Honestly, I doubt if you could tell me this past weekend's weather accurately. And it's not as if anybody calls them up on Sunday going, "hey, I listened to your forecast on monday and you said it wouldn't rain, now I'm fucking drenched and my barbecue is soaked." So what's the motivation to give a weather prediction that far in advance? Why even try? Why not just get a monkey and have him jump around in a hat for a minute or two? I'd be more entertaining and a better use of time. The only decent weatherman would be the one who just tells you to look out a fucking window. "Hey! want to know if it's raining or not? open a door and walk outside, if you're getting wet it's raining, or you're standing in a sprinkler." As it is, this asshat could tell me that it's going to rain Zebra's on friday with a temperature of 210 degrees and a slight chance of tornados and nobody fucking cares. What's worse, nobody calls him on it. I think they should start weather people at a base salary. Each day they get the weather right, they get an extra $40, each day they get it wrong, you deduct $60, at the end of the month you tally it all up and settle the debt. Then these asshats wouldn't be giving me bullshit predictions for the weekend on a monday.

Real Questions - repost

So King Abdullah II of Jordan was on Charlie Rose tonight. It was a good interview, but I was highly disturbed by the fact that a Middle Eastern King who advocates democratic reform in his own country is being asked decent and poignant questions by a good reporter (albeit with a really gay name) while our own President, who can't bring democracy to a nation he overthrew, or for that matter, to his own fucking country, get's off with being interviewed by fucking Barbara Walters. I mean what the fuck is that. We have a US reporter who's willing to fly to Amman to get an interview with a leader who's actually leading and our own President can't be bothered to answer any real questions?!?! That's bullshit. I'd love to see Bush on Charlie Rose, he'd have a fucking aneurysm. Charlie should fly his ass down to Washington DC and interview the President. I'd be fucking great.

Way Too Literal - repost

I think I've been way to literal lately. I had the radio on and there was some boy band on the play list. Backstreet Boys or some shit. First off, you have to realize that any white music group with "Boys" in its name is doomed to failure everywhere except Michael Jackson's house. Secondly, there was a lyric in the song "you're soul is like a secret, I never could keep." What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!?! Does that make sense to anybody? What, some preppy dressed, barely out of puberty motherfucker in chino's, sporting a gold chain badly groomed facial hair is out there stealing fucking souls now? Shouldn't somebody stop them. I'm pretty sure that's got to be illegal somewhere. I know if Justin Timberlake came up to me and tried to steal my soul I'd kick his fucking ass. This is just wrong. I call on all performers to formally denounce the theft of souls by boy band members, especially souls that can't even keep track of. If you're going to steal a soul, you should at least be able to take care of it and keep track of it you incompetent fuck.

Rx Side Effects - repost

There's a commercial for an eye drop which makes you generate more tears, and in the commercial they make a comment at the end about it not being tested in "herpes viral infections of the eye". Think about that for a second. Of all the possible illnesses you might want to check on side effects for, why list "herpes viral infections." If you've got a herpes viral infection in your eye, you've got bigger fucking problems than not having enough tear generating ability. Just how the fuck does one get a herpes viral infection in the eye? I can think of ways but they're all something I would connect more to porn movies than to real life. Imagine explaining that to a doctor. "Hey doc, I took a wad in the eye the other week and now, it's itching like crazy, think you can check it out." What doctor isn't immediately going to have second thoughts about touching this person's eye, even with gloves on?

Inauguration Day - repost

So inauguration day. I feel like I shouldn't be sober for the next four years. Oh well. They had Cheney take the oath of office for VP and introduced him as "Richard Bruce Cheney." I think it would have been better if it had been "Some Dick named Cheney." Much more fitting.

Cough Drops - repost

Cough drops are such a fucking scam. Nyquil is great shit, but cough drops, total rip off. What I really need is a bottle of something that will knock my ass unconscious for two days so I can get over this cough.

Smart people - repost

So if great minds think alike wouldn't the patent office only grant a few hundred patents? Plus then the only people who can think outside the box are the fucking idiots because all the smart people would think alike.

Constantine - repost

I saw Constantine today. Actually I was hoping to steal some software that I was looking for and the RAR file turned out to be a bad screen rip of the movie. It's like a dramatic version of Dogma but with better special effects and no Silent Bob. Constantine was missing Silent Bob.

Conversational Use of Pope - repost

"Pope" can be used to replace almost any swear word in almost any usage. "Go Pope yourself", "son of a Pope!", "you're so full of Pope", "Goddamn motherPopers"

Proof of God - repost

Proof that God has a really good sense of humor, there are a lot of hot women all of whom are completely fucking crazy. That and the platypus

Pooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope - repost

Feckless - repost

I heard somebody called "feckless" today. What the hell is feck? And should we really be ridiculing those with a feck deficiency? I'm sure there's someone out there who has no responsibility for their personal lack of feck. In fact, maybe we should begin to treat it as a medical condition. We could give them a daily dosage of feck to make up for a deficiency. Like Insulin but more important.

Jesus iPod - repost

Thought of the day: What would Jesus have on his iPod? I'm betting on some Zeppelin or Cat Stevens.

Professional Commentary - repost

Doctors, and I suppose to some degree any technical professional, have this odd habit of making commentary that they probably pay no heed to but every patient/client/customer will spend the next six months worrying over. I don't think it's on purpose either, but the last time I was in the doctor's office he was doing the exam and give a "hm, that's interesting" comment with no real explanation. What the fuck was so interesting?!?!? Beat's me, it's been bugging me ever since. My physical seemed to go fine he cleared me so apparently I'm healthy but there's something "interesting." Then I noticed I do it to when I'm doing something on a computer. Except I usually do it when there something fucked up with the machine. "Hm, that's interesting, you're machine is totally fucked." So now I'm even more worried about what my doctor found so goddamn interesting.

You Suck - repost

I got an email today. It was really the first email commentary I've gotten of pretty much anything I've written that wasn't an academic critique or a friend telling me I've got a twisted sense of reality and to stop smoking crack when I think about flying cars. It was however, a very short email. Pretty much just "hey, read your stuff. You suck." First off, if you're going to harass me, at least be kind enough to tell me what it was that sucked. I'm not a prolific writer or anything, but narrow the field down a little you vague prick. Secondly, it's not that I mind the negative commentary, but I do mind the generic negative commentary. If I'm going to take shit from people it should be something more specific to me like "Hey, you can do calculus, why can't you balance a fucking checkbook?!" or "Hey, the next time you tell someone to go fuck themselves, he'd better be a gymnast and not a bouncer with fists the size of watermelons you dumbass!"

Religion - repost

So here's the short version of my beef with religion. Many of the "faithful" people I've talked to share the common belief that the higher power(s) have a plan for my life. The way I look at it, if this is the great plan for my life, I got bloody well ripped off.

pedometer - repost

A pedometer is a device to track how much a person has walked, and a pedestrian is a person who is walking. Since I don't have a car and I generally enjoy walking to places I'm going, I guess that makes me a pedophile.

Camel Pastic Surgery - repost

I've generally be ignoring the Michael Jackson trial, but as I caught a short blurb on it today, I got to thinking about all the animals at his ranch. If the guy is vain enough to make the monkey's wear diapers, do you think he makes the rest of the animals get plastic surgery? Like maybe he get's silicone hump implants for the camels or something. Give then a pair of 84 DD humps.

Stem Cell Research - repost

I'm obviously not a particularly religious person so as I watch the debate on stem cell research going on, I don't really buy the whole 'ending a life' argument posed by Christian conservatives about the use of embryonic stem cells. Oddly the primary argument is that the embryo which wouldn't develop into a fetus if it was implanted anyway (at least not without further intervention) constitutes a life, especially since we all were, at one time, embryos. That concept is even more ridiculous to me. If we have to consider using an embryo for stem cells as ending a life because we were all embryos, then really, since we were all at one point sperm, masturbation is like genocide. Hell, I probably kill 50 billion people each day.

Reality Morning Shows - repost

And speaking of morning news shows like GMA, where are reality morning shows? We have reality TV for everything else. I would love a reality morning show. You could call it "Wake the hell up you lazy prick." Just follow some average family around their morning going crazy and yelling at each other in a sleep deprive half-conciousness. Kids have last minute report cards that need to be signed, dad's lost his fucking keys again and mom's gotta hit the stash of vodka hidden behind the Frosted Flakes because she's tired of dealing with everyone. Or better yet, get a morning news show that just tells you what you need to know. Tom: "Overnight, some shit happened that you really don't care about and don't need to know about until you drag your weary ass home through traffic this evening. Here's Dan with the weather and traffic." Dan: "Thanks, Tom. If you want to know what the weather is like, open a door. Or, if you don't have a door, open a fucking window. Traffic is going to suck. And hard. Just like every day. There may be an accident but even if there is, there's nothing you can do anything about it. So sit there. It's not like you can afford to just call in sick to work there, Mr. and Mrs. Second Mortgage. So sit there and just like the prison bitch you are and take it up the ass. Back to you Tom."

SUV Blind Spots - repost

Good Morning America was running a story about the blind spot on SUVs and vans that can cause you to accidentally back over things, or, as in the case of this story, people. They had this mother talking about the loss of her young daughter when the father accidentally backed over her with an SUV. Now normally, I wouldn't find this funny, but one of the first comment the mother made was "I know that if he had seen her, he wouldn't have backed over her." I fucking hope so. I mean, yes, I feel badly for your loss, but unless your husband is the type of guy to play chicken in his SUV with little children who don't know they're playing, he pretty well better not run over kids when he sees them. What kind of lame as comment is that to make? In what kind of fucked up world would that not be the case. "Well, I'm pretty sure he saw her, but shit, we've got two other kids, this one didn't have any particularly outstanding talents, and he was in a rush to pick up some chicken for dinner, know...squish. You feel bad, but eh...."

Only One Dr. Phil - repost

I caught a TV ad this past weekend for Dr. Phil. The tag line was "There's only one Dr. Phil!" Well thank fuck! That's a good thing. Any more than one and I'd have to block my ears with cement and gouge out my eyes with a dull spoon. I have a hard time just standing the one nimrod already, more than that would be grounds for justifiable homicide.

Imagine if Dr. Phil were twins. But one of the twins has a totally different job, like auto mechanic or something. Somebody comes up and says "Hey! I've got a question for you. When I'm driving, I hear these noises, any idea how to get rid of them?" "Hm, well what kind of noise? If it's a pinging sound it might be your belts. Is it a pinging noise?" "Hm, no it's more like noises in my head telling me to pull the Glock out of the glove compartment and blast my way through traffic." "Oh! you want my brother, he's the one who deals with that stuff. When you go, tell him I sent you. He'll give you 10% off and validate your parking for free."

Reality TV vs. Teachers - repost

You know what's kind of fucked up about being a parent? I know more reality TV shows than teachers at my kid's school. And I hate reality TV.

Lifetime Achievement Awards - repost

Rejected Webby Lifetime Achievement Award Winners:
The Dancing Baby
Frozen Embryo #12JEI87SR
The Star Wars Kid

French Unemployment - repost

France has double digit unemployment and a short work week. Does that make any fucking sense? If one worker can only work 35 hours each week, don't you need to hire more fucking workers to get shit done? This just proves my point that the French are totally fucking backwards.

Way Too Much TV - repost

This was really a weekend of TV. I watched a lot. I even watched a home improvement show with some guy talking about an annual "caulk walk." As if hearing a TV contractor repeatedly use the term "caulk walk" wasn't amusing enough, the TV censors actually bleeped him for the use of "caulk." How sad is that. We live in a day and age that a guy can't talk about an annual check of household seals integrity without getting censored. Imagine if it were a chicken farm. Or a documentary about cock fighting. At least then it would be spelled correctly instead of just sounding the same. Every other word of the documentary would be bleeped, they'd have to bleep the title. Then the director couldn't sell the movie, so he couldn't get famous and therefore couldn't get laid. Talk about "caulk blocking." TV Censors suck.

The Amazing Golf Ball Whacker Guy - repost

On TV this morning was a guy who hits golf balls for charity. He hit 80-something golf balls in one minute. Don't get me wrong, it was kind of neat and pretty impressive, but wasn't the whole "Come watch the amazing golf ball whacker guy" concept already done? Wasn't that the plot of Happy Gilmore?

Overshare - repost

And that's another thing, I'm all for equality but I don't need to hear shit about yeast infections and vaginal discharge while watching the fucking news. I'm fair, I don't want to hear shit about jock itch either.

TV's influence on kids - repost

When kids do stupid shit, stop blaming the TV and start blaming the stupid kids. TV might give them an idea or two, but it doesn't incite action. Shit if media really had that much influence, there's a whole genre of murder-mystery that would lead to rash outbreak of hard to solve homicides. Nobody watches Murder She Wrote then goes out to commit the perfect kill just to stump Angela Landsbury. If TV was really the problem, it would have a lot more influence. Comedy Central alone would be responsible for at least a couple dozen annual deaths via drive-by pie throwing. And advertising would be a whole shitload more effective. "What?!? the voice of the Star Trek captain is telling me in rhyme that I need Crestor?! Well, I feel healthy but if Capt. Picard's rhyming about it, I'd better go fucking get some. While I'm at it, I can pick up something for my yeast infection."

Dr. - repost

I take issue with any rapper using the prefix "Dr." who can't perform surgery on himself if he get's caught in a drive by.

New Game Show: Liberal or Hipocrit - repost

Why is it that Republicans only support "liberal" ideas when it's in their personal interest. Nancy supports stem cells only because he husband was fucked up in the head. Pat Robertson too for that matter. Cheney can't come out against gay people because his daughter came out in favor of them.

Political Extremes - repost

Prison is, I imagine, the extreme model of life. Politics is a good example. I believe that government has a responsibility to meet base needs of the people but should absolve itself of undue interference in individual lives. It's been my experience that Republicans and Democrats see this as contradictory. they believe that government should avoid OR interference in individual lives, but not both. Life however, is shades of gray. It's the difference between being in prison and having to give head or take it in other areas. I bet that if Pat Robertson were in prison and had the choice between giving head and getting stabbed, not only would he be on his knees in a second, he'd be all for government intervention. On the flip side, Democrats would definitely favor a more Republican standpoint of non-intervention.

How to Win an Election - repost

The head of the Republican Party was on Meet The Press this past Sunday talking about how 60% voter turnout in Iraqi elections is some major success against the insurgency. Consider that we invaded Iraqi and set up the elections in the first place but our own voter turnout here in Hawaii was 49.27% If it was such a success for Iraq, you'd think we could get that kind of turnout here where car bombs aren't exactly a daily nuisance and insurgents don't threaten your family if you vote. Maybe that's how Republicans could finally win back control of the state. Start threatening Democrats if they vote, toss a couple of IED's and plant a few car bombs around the Democratic stronghold neighborhoods, maybe they could win back control of the state legislature.

Vulcan Ganstas - repost

So I was flipping through this ad in a magazine and there was this jackass trying to flash a W sign with his hand for (I presume) Westside, only it came out looking like that gesture that Vulcans from Star Trek do, that V thing, and just looked goddamn ridiculous. Like he was trying to say "Live long and priz-osper biatch!" Or maybe it's backwards and all Vulcans represent the Westside. "It would be highly illogical for you to be disrespected the Westside, motherfucker! Else, my homey Spock be busting a phaser in yo' ass"

Grafitti - repost

Graffiti is way too emotional ? It's always "John sucks" or "Jenny sucks a mean !@#k." You never see graffiti that's just sort of indifferent or maybe just informational. Nobody ever writes "President Bush wants to veto SB1198 " or "John does a mediocre job at delivering pizza "

Chinese Food - repost

I had Chinese food for lunch yesterday so I didn't want it for dinner today. I wonder if people in China get pissed off because they have to eat Chinese food every day. Although I suppose that there it's just called "food" instead of Chinese food. I wonder if they have taco's in China...

Saddam - repost

Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson, Beretta. Shit if Saddam Hussein had half a brain he'd ask for a change of venue to LA for his trial. "I went back to my palace to get this gas canister that I forgot there over dinner, when I came back, suddenly, all these Kurds were dead. I mean...I don't.....who know's what happens.....It's a crazy world, sometimes these things just happen."

Always - repost

Always (TM) (R) (C) (Please don't sue my ass for mentioning your product in a sarcastic remark) maxi pads has a new slogan "have a happy period." Why? because they put a soft sheet on top of their product. Somehow a soft sheet makes up for bloating, bleeding, hormones and a generally bitchy attitude. Okay so I have to admit that a more comfortable thing in your crotch might make it more tolerable for women, though I don't tend to walk around with stuff in my crotch so fuck like I have any realistic clue, but I imagine so. What they need to consider is making it a happy period for the significant other. Doing so is pretty easy: add a voucher for a bottle of hard liquor.

Spare Dollar - repost

Has anyone else noticed how much inflation has hit the begging industry? I remember when people used to ask for "any spare change" or "can you spare a quarter for the pay phone?" Now it's all "got a dollar?" or "can you spare bus fare". Fuck that. I probably could, but I could also get an apple pie from McDonald's. Guess which I would choose.

MIB - repost

I watched Men in Black against last night. It's got a lot of good one liners in it. It occurs to me that I've never seen a UFO but they have that neuralizer flashy memory thingy. I'll be that if you don't remember seeing UFO's you probably see them all the time.

State Responsibility - repost

If a state elects a Republican Governor or votes Republican for the President it's a Republican state. States are also responsible for the wildlife that resides there. So does that make all the sharks and alligators in Florida Republicans? And if so, when they maim or kill people, does that mean people are killed by Republicans?

Car Names

I think that car names should change. Honestly now, what the fuck is a "cabriolet"? sounds like a mix between a cheap red wine and a horse. Cars should be name more appropriately. The new Camero should really be the 2008 Mid Life Crisis. Toyota's new hybrid should be called the Tree Hugger. And the Chevy Suburban, I mean really, shouldn't that just be called the Fed-mobile? Or at the very least call it was it is - the reason why Iraq is going to be the 51'st state.

It just seems to me that they could come up with much more appropriate names if they tried.

Friday, September 07, 2007

TSA Prohibitied Items List

So I have to fly to Maui tomorrow for work and I'm trying to avoid having to check in one fucking screwdriver that I need to install an accessory. The TSA has this whole list of permitted and prohibited items and accroding to the list, well, let's just say that size matters. Seven inches is the limit. See, just like real life, bigger is not always better.

I should be able to get away with what I need, but consider that the list of prohibited items includes things like blasting caps, cordless power saws and meat cleavers. Now if you think about this for a second, it probably means that at some point in time, there was a person who double-checked their backpack for a stay pair of nail clippers that might get confiscated but brought along a fucking meat cleaver and gave the security people the whole "but it's not on the list" speech and so it got added on.

Think about that for a second, things like blasting caps. I mean really, I can bring four books of matches in my bag, so if you think I'm dumb enough to bring along dynamite too, just under the random case that I might have to assist in an improptu building demolition or blast an emergency entrance to a mine or something, you're goddamn crazy.

Whipped fucking cream is on the list but it has to be less than 3 ounces. I can bring Jello, but they have to ispect breast milk. I should totally get a job with TSA, I'd inspect the source. It's best to make sure things aren't being contaminated at the source.

Sadly, I don't see thermonuclear warheads on the list. And I suppose going by their guidelines, as long as the gel I have contains less than three ounces of Ebola, I'm probably okay to toss it in teh briefcase.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Midget Baskeball

So if Leprechaun's are so damn lucky and magical, why is that the Boston Celtics and Notre Damn don't have more midgets as power forwards?