Friday, May 30, 2014

Expectations and Language

Is there a word for "not laziness"? It's not "industrious" as that word implies industry which implies production of some kind and people don't have to produce something to be "not lazy". Ditto for "productive" as most people don't produce much besides bullshit anyway. I guess it's something closer to "responsible" but I dislike that word because it comes with all the negative connotations. Who killed that midget? He's responsible. Who got that girl pregnant? I'm responsible. It's not a good word. I need a better word, something that I can better use to describe my expectations for an 8'th grader with the work ethic of his mother and the attention span of a clownfish on meth.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Ran out NyQuil

I ran out of the NyQuil, so I stopped by Wal-Mart on the way home.  Happened to notice that I could pay like $9 for the gelcaps with day and night or I could buy the generic stuff, same active ingredients in the same amounts. I’d have to buy like four of them to get the same number of gelcaps since they came in smaller packages, but even with that it was like half the price. Same drugs and I don’t hold stock in Vicks so I don’t really give a shit as long as it works.

On a whim I walked past the clearance section wondering if maybe they had some on clearance. They didn’t but they DID have condoms on clearance. I’ve never held a retail job so I could be wrong but it’s my understanding that most of the clearance items are either discontinued or maybe have some damaged packaging or something. I’m fine with a dinged up box or a dented NyQuil bottle if it’ll save me a buck, but I have my doubts on clearance condoms.

According to the US Dept. of Agriculture, it costs something like $241,000 to raise a child to the age of 18 in the United States. I don’t know why that falls under agricultural purview, if we could just plant kids and occasionally water them things would be much easier, but whatever, it’s $241,000 plus college and a lifetime of emotional extortion.

Is that really what you want to risk on clearance condoms? I’m okay maybe dealing with a mild cough for an extra day to save a few bucks I guess, but mentally weighing the risk of Wal-Mart clearance saves vs kids. Not so much. Like on the one hand kids, but on the other hand I can save $2.73. What’s the internal monologue like on that “I mean no, we don’t want kids, but it’s still $2.73. I could get these and save enough to get that latte.”

There are only two justifications I can think of for taking that chance. First, “we don’t want kids, but we don’t really care that much.” Or 2) lubricated, ribbed water balloons.

Either way, I tried to buy 6 of the little packets of generic gelcaps to get the same amount of gelcaps as in the bigger multi-pack. They would only sell me 3. I guess because they don't people making meth or whatever. Which doesn't make much fucking sense to me because I could have gotten 3 of the multi-packs with a shit ton more gelcaps overall and that would have been fine. So in Wal-Mart logic, you can make meth, just not the cheap generic meth. 


As colds go this one has been pretty mild. Mostly just congestion and some aches, mild fever for a couple of days. But it has made me appreciate the wonder of NyQuil once again. I am little worried that despite feeling like crap, there was still a part of the day where I was conscious enough and not miserable enough to think about sex. And that is unfortunately one thing that NyQuil can’t solve. Sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, yeah, but blowjob, not on that list. I’m not complaining, I’m just worried that at some point in the future, my priorities will shift or technology will win out and one day NyQuil will be able to perform fellatio and I will never need women again. 

Sunday, May 25, 2014

(reposting) work phone

When my work phone rings at 5 AM on a Sunday morning I panic a little. Now that I've confirmed the sky is indeed NOT falling, I'm left to ponder the oddity that is this: five or ten years ago, I would be going to sleep around this time rather than waking up.

Thursday, May 22, 2014


Given current stress and deadlines I’ve been thinking about dying, just to, you know, take a break. But it made me start writing out a whole “in case I get hit by a bus” (which is not necessarily a low probability prospect) list. Like what banks to contact, where my will is, where I keep the millions in gold bullion, stuff like that.
Part of it is making me realize how much there is to follow up on, not surprisingly a lot of stuff online. BTW when I die, please tell Facebook to shut my shit down, don’t let people post “in memoriam” crap about me. Unless it’s something spectacular like I go crazy and suicide bomb a Klan rally or something, then, you know, have at it, ‘cause that shit would be funny.
But I digress, so I’m going through all the different checklist items and there’s a lot. I kind of feel sorry for whoever has to deal with that crap when I’m gone. Who will check my email and let GoDaddy know they don’t need to renew the domain name anymore? Or who will call AT&T for me to cancel my cell phone and then tell them, sorry about the contract ending early but feel free to bill the dead guy for the early termination fee? There’s a lot to go through then trying plan out for who picks up your crap after you.

Then I just get frightened by what kind of vintage porn I’ll uncover when my dad goes. 


I don’t actually do anything anymore. I just tell people what to do. Which makes me either a coordinator or a consultant at this point. Except I don’t make enough money to be a consultant.

Actually, that’s a lie, I don’t tell people what to do. I have no authority, so I “ask” them very nicely to do something that I could have done two minutes ago except that’s not “allowed” anymore. 

Saturday, May 10, 2014


Look lady, I don't know you, and I don't care about your poor planning. "I have children" is not an excuse for bitchy behavior this early in the morning. It's basically equivalent to telling me "I have pubic lice." My reaction will be the same either way: congrats, next time, you can go fuck yourself.

If only I could have thought of that BEFORE I got my coffee

Sunday, May 04, 2014

Second Date

Okay, this is probably inappropriate, but I was on a second date (rare enough) and at some point in talking we came to realize my waist is like the same size as her chest and her waist is about the same size as my chest. There’s a 69 joke in there but at the time, I couldn’t stop chuckling at myself, when she asked why I said “because I think that means my body type is ‘sitcom stereotype lesbian’”. I doubt there will be a third date.

Thursday, May 01, 2014


The language that people use with the best of intentions, sometimes pisses me off. When police call on "members of the public" to help them find someone, who else are they supposed to be calling on? Members of the private? What the fuck are the private going to do? Nothing, they're private. and since members of the public are also private citizens aren't you really just telling us all to ignore these requests?