Saturday, April 29, 2017


The first 100 days may not have been a huge success for the Trump White House, but he's got big plans coming. Next up on the agenda: he's going to put Baby in the corner.


Life expectancy for men is 68 ½ years for men compared to 73 years for women worldwide. In the US, it’s 76 years for men and 81 for women. All of which is to say that women should complain less about what men eat, because the longer we live, the longer you have to deal with us having a lot of free time after retirement and nobody wants to spend that much time talking to an old man.


You know what I would like to see? A radical sect of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I mean we have radical Quakers - they’re called Southern Baptist. But I just like to imagine what the preachings of a radical Jehovah’s Witness would entail. Or how they initiate a grand midwest insurgency and claim territory.

Climate Change

I would normally use the term “tip of the iceberg” except that this Administration doesn’t believe in climate change and seems pretty insistent on taking actions that will hasten global warming and making sure there aren’t any icebergs in the near future. So henceforth I will be using the term “tip of the douchebag”. There seem to be quite a few of those around the White House these days.


If ISIS takes credit every time some crazy fucker kills people, how come the Catholic Church doesn’t take credit when stupid people have unprotected sex resulting in an unwanted pregnancy?


How come horses only get one kind of shoe? Would jumping over shit be more entertaining in some Air Jordans? And wouldn’t racing be better if the horse was wearing some sexy Jimmy Choos?

Liberal Opposition

It’s the disappointing irony of the anti-abortion movement that opposing their view means fewer babies born to liberal parents. So I would support abortion restrictions only with the concurrent acknowledgement that liberals need to do more fucking and outgrow the opposing population.

Performance Art

We’re sure Donald Trump is a real person right? Not just Gary Busey doing performance art?


The problem with letters “to whom it may concern” is that I’m not really concerned.


As something of a nerd, I really have to wonder why anyone would live in Metropolis or Gotham City. Every week some asshole blows up a whole city block just to rob a bank. Can you imagine what your insurance rates would be like? It’s just not really a place I can imagine people living in if they had any choice. Then again, I don’t understand why anyone would want to live in Florida or Detroit either. Comic book cities have got to be worse though. I mean if you had to rebuild half the city every couple of months, sure there’d be lots of construction jobs, but you’d stop making the buildings out of brick after a while wouldn’t you? Just start laying paper mache and styrofoam instead of concrete and asphalt. That way when some alien rips a building out by it’s foundation all he’s got is a 100 ft. pinata in the shape of a bank branch office.

Aging Gracefully

I’m lazy, and I don’t like going to the doctor, so if I want to look younger I just hang around old people. It’s also cheaper. Thanks Obamacare.

Gun Control

Guns should only be sold in ugly colors. It’s harder to keep thinking guns are cool if you have to shoot something that’s colored bubble-gum pink with neon orange polka dots. And your drug dealer is less menacing if he’s holding a rainbow shotgun. Unless he’s selling at a pride parade and the shells are filled with confetti...or lube.


Stealing jobs is not a real thing. Nobody has ever been held at gunpoint and told to just stand there while some other guy does their TPS reports for them. I have never heard of an HR manager being held hostage with a bomb vest over an entry level receptionist gig. At best, you get people who embellish a CV, or put down skills like “fluent in German” that they’re never actually going to be asked to use. That’s misdemeanor fraud of jobs at best, not grand theft occupation. Stealing is like if you’re out with your friends and you leave your job on the counter while you use the bathroom and suddenly that douche in the hoodie, in the corner is typing up your marketing slide deck that’s due on Tuesday. Has that EVER happened? Have you ever just been walking down the street and some guy pulls out a knife and says “give me your job!”? Fuck no. He’ll say “give me your money” but all you have to do is pull out a business card and go “that’s not a job, this is a job!” That’s how it works right?


The problem with dating as I get older is that 22 year olds seem to stay the same age.


Do you think the Pope prays before he flies on an airplane? And if the plane were to crash, do you think it would be because he didn’t pray enough? Or that the global Catholic population didn’t pray enough for him?

Plans Within Plans

Maybe it only seems like it, but trying to get laid is like trying to defeat a villain in a Bond movie, in both there are overly complicated plans, and both involve martinis and henchmen.


If I could have a meal with anyone, it would be Emma Stone, Emma Watson, Emma Thompson, George Michael, George Clinton and George Stephanopoulos. Just because I’d like to introduce them to each other… and Oprah, because I think she’d have interesting stories.


There’s two versions of basically the same sketch that I’ve been trying to write for the past hour. In the first, it’s DJT and Kim Jong Un on the phone like two teenagers but instead of saying “no you hang up first” they’re saying “no, you’re the worst” and it ends with Assad and Putin (in drag) as the parents yelling at them to shut up and hang up the phone. The other version is a rip off of the old Abbott and Costello “Who’s On First” routine but instead using DJT, Putin, Kim, Assad, Erdogan, Mugabe and Maduro, only I can’t find a good rhyme for “Erdogan” to end it.


I came across DVDs for the three Lord of the Ring movies for $1 recently and decided to watch them. It occurs to me after watching the last one that if Gandalf can just fly in on a giant eagle, what's with all the fucking horses and marching and fighting. Take the hobbit, fly over the volcano, drop the ring and be done with it. Orcs are not airborne. That's like nine hours of film that could have been shortened to twenty minute short film. No wonder the elves and whatnot are constantly on the verge of losing, they're horribly inefficient.

Sunday, April 23, 2017


Hey! Hey bartender. Don't fucking ignore me. What am I, David Blaine?!?

Earth Day

Earth day thought: The Earth is round. I'm not pointing in the wrong direction. I'm suggesting the scenic route.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Spoiler Alert

You know why Jesus isn’t going to come back today? Hipster assholes writing Yelp reviews of the fishes and loaves. Look, I know there’s things I can learn from the Bible, but humans evolved as storytellers. It’s how we learn. And church to me seems like a waste of time. I already know the ending of the story: spoiler alert - Jesus dies.


Do you think Jesus appreciated the workmanship of the carpentry when he was on the cross?


If I was the only one who was allowed to, of course I would eat a swan. That’s not even in question. I would eat one each day and two if it was a large, group meal. Just because I could.


I once had a job as a security guard (while I was in college) and I know it’s really more like customer service than actual security, but I could put a badge on a fucking Roomba, that doesn’t make him goddamn Robocop. I recognize your authority as equal to the guy who greeted me on the way in. Smile, wave and point me in the appropriate direction.


It doesn’t really bother me if Apple makes watches. Lot’s of companies expand into new businesses. For example, I’m pretty sure the food was a secondary revenue stream for Chuck E Cheese, that just started out as a way for childless couples and inattentive parents to complete transactions.

Dad Bond

I bet I’m not really that boring as a dad. I mean I know I’m boring, but even James Bond probably has a couple of illegitimate children by now and they probably find him just a boring, if not, slightly more alcoholic, than mine does me.


I’ve lived a pretty comfortable life, so when I get to be an old guy yelling at kids to get off my lawn, or forget stuff and keep retelling my grandchildren the same stories, I’m not going to have that “I had to walk fifty miles in the snow” story. My generation was one that transitioned from the analog world to living a good part of life online. At best, my story will be that when I was young, if you wanted porn you had to find a box hidden in the back of your older cousin’s closet. Or if you wanted to put something in the mailbox you had to lick an actual stamp. And as I reflect on those facts of an easy life I have to consider that despite my low bar, you kids today are still the absolute worst.


As people get older they lose the ability to hear certain frequencies. In particular, the higher ranges. I think that’s why I don’t hear you. There are some obvious solutions to this, but I don’t know if I want to hear James Earl Jones’ voice asking me to help put on spanx.


When you go to regular Chinatown, you see regular sized Chinese people but when you go to Little Italy, for some reason there’s a lot of big Italians. Seems counterintuitive.


I think Jesus probably died at a good age. If you go to heaven, do you get to choose your age when you’re there or are you just whatever age you are when you died? I mean if you died as an infant it would kind of suck to go through eternity with limited mobility and no bladder control. Kind of the same thing if you died at 80. So if you’re just whatever age you are when you died, then Jesus picked a good age to be in heaven. Old enough to be mobile and not get carded at bars, young enough to still be good at sex.


In 1999 the actress Jeri Ryan, famous for her role in Star Trek: Voyager divorced from her then-husband Jack. In 2003 when he ran for an open Senate seat, unsealed court records revealed that Jeri accused Jack of asking her to perform sex acts in public and in clubs, and these revelations eventually led to Jack dropping out of the Senate race. His main opponent for that Illinois Senate seat: Barack Obama, who would eventually go on to be a two-term President. In a way, you could argue that if it wasn’t for Star Trek and sex clubs, America would have had to wait for its first black President.


I think I have a better understanding of my disappointment with humanity now. See, previously I was under the incorrect assumption that assholes were a rarity, an aberration. Turns out they’re the norm. Even non-humans. It’s pretty much all of nature. If you’ve got an asshole, chances are, you are an asshole.


Young people: you’re not told this enough, but you should settle. You’re not that special and you’re not going to do any better.


We have states with names beginning in North, South and West but no states starting in East. I suggest we henceforth refer to Florida as East Mississippi.

Killing It

When you do a well in a performance you’re said to be “killing it”. And doctors ‘perform’ surgical procedures so, I don’t understand what the problem is by saying that doctor is killing it with that abortion.


When you say that there’s sex trafficking and children for sale, all I hear is “sale” and I wonder what kind of discount I can get. And can I get an extra 10% off if I take the floor model?


As I sit here watching one of the Mission Impossible movies I wonder if Tom Cruise ever thinks about what it would be like to be me. Incidentally, I went to look at the plots for the first three Mission Impossible movies. In the first one it was a hunt for a mole in the agency. In the second one, a former agent tries to release a biological weapon and in the third one, an agent is working with an international arms dealer. So for all three of the Mission Impossible movies that I bothered to see because they were on the $3 DVD rack, the criminals wouldn’t have been a problem if the agency itself didn’t exist. That means at least three of the Mission Impossible movies would have been completely unnecessary, and isn’t that how we should treat all of the Mission Impossible movies?


It disappoints me a little to see so many white people not committing crimes. I mean at least misdemeanors and petty theft, the kind of things they could easily get away with without being shot, tased or tackled. Just seems like a waste of whiteness.

Call Waiting

Do you think God has call waiting for prayers? On the one hand there’s omnipotence, so you’d think His phone line would have all the features. but on the other hand, there’s omnipotence so God shouldn’t have any need for call waiting so why get it? And even if He did have it, He wouldn’t have to use it, so how would He know if it was enabled on His phone?


I thought an act of God was winning a bowl game. How is your failure to properly prepare for a reasonably predictable occurrence and failure to deliver a service I paid for, an “act of God”. And more importantly, how have you not been sued by every church on the planet for trademark violation?

Hot Girls

It can’t be that easy to be a hot girl in your 20’s. I mean I’m neither a hot girl nor in my 20’s but it’s got to be a bit annoying that literally everyone wants to fuck you, all the time. Nobody’s trying to fuck me and I find it pretty easy to just go about my business throughout the day. I get less free stuff from creepy old guys, but my life involves less waxing.


If I had a pharmacy, it wouldn’t allow childproof bottles. I would take all the money I save not buying childproof bottles and put up a sign that says “I let you decide about how much you like your kids.” Or maybe that’s just my migraine talking.

Mutant Chickens

Do you think that because of hooters there are whole populations of wingless chickens out there? Or maybe they spent millions on research trying to develop chickens with like a dozen sets of wings just to get better economies of scale? Like that three-eyed fish from the Simpsons but with wings, so they don’t swim. Or who knows, maybe they do swim. I bet something with 24 wings would get a good amount of momentum going, even underwater.


Is this game psychic or something? How does it know me so well? Of course I should be called “Player #1”


I don’t know if I like the idea of congratulating people for having a baby. I prefer to wait until the kid accomplished something worth mentioning.

Glass half empty

If you’re an alcoholic with liver failure, there’s no such thing as a glass half-full situation.


Here’s how I would explain the language of metaphor: if I was speaking literally, I would be way too obsessed with and angrily yelling about, the feminine hygiene products on CNN and Fox.

Indian Casinos

I wonder if strippers ever get to use the pole in a fire station, and if so, do you think they get advice from the firefighters? ‘Cause I have to imagine that if anyone was going to be giving pointers on how to operate a pole, it would be a stripper. On a tangential and racially inappropriate note, there’s got to be an Indian casino somewhere with a stripper dancing on a totem pole right? Someone must have brought that idea into reality already. I just have that little faith in the nature of humanity for this not to be the case.


Taking the bull by the horns is a dumb idea. They’re pointy and it’ll just piss off the bull.


Is there any other type of chaps besides assless? Doesn't asslessness sort of define chaps? I mean if your chaps have an ass aren't they kind of just trousers?


Found out something amazing the other day in the waiting room, WebMD, you know, that site you go to when you need to find out that it is, in fact, cancer? WebMD has a print magazine. And, if you want, you can get a digital subscription to WebMD's print magazine for free.


Shadowbrokers dropped evidence the NSA was doing their job. If only the intelligence community kept their tools as safe as Trump keeps his tax returns


The US recently deployed, for the first time, the MOAB - the Mother of All Bombs. While bombs around the world mourn the loss of their mother, the Mother of Dragons remains unimpressed that it only killed 90 people.


Doing taxes. I always wait until the last minute because I almost always owe money. I guess I probably saw it before or at least knew about it, but you can get tax credits for vehicles that run on alternative fuels, like electricity, natural gas or diesel (though I don't know why that one counts). I have thus decided to create a car that runs on endangered turtles. We'll do it fuel efficient. 35 miles per turtle. And it's lubricated with eagles. And the radiator fluid is just the tears of sloths. Brake pads are made with Rhino horn.


Are Easter Eggs kosher?

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

The Future of Reading

Near the outbreak of WWII, Otto Frank applied for, and was denied a visa to the US because of the 1924 Immigration Act. His daughter, Anne, ended up writing a book, more of a diary really, that gained some notoriety. So when you and your kids are forced to read her book in school, remember that she died, in part, because the of the US. And if we want to have those kinds of pieces of literature in the future, we need to make sure a fuckload of people get killed around the world. Everybody seems to like Malala Yousafzai. If she grew up in a stable, peaceful society with a reasonable expectation of safety and education, nobody would know who she is. For the sake of future school reading lists let’s kill a bunch of people. I can’t put a price on a well rounded education, but a Tomahawk missile is only about $1.5 million.

Sunday, April 02, 2017

one in a million

There were 7.2 billion people on the planet in 2014, so when I say you’re ‘one in a million’ what I mean is, you’re not that fucking special. I mean, it would take a little effort, but I could probably replace you with someone from China for the cost of shipping.

word choice

Oh ye gods, no, the only time you should be using the word “loins” is when you’re talking about a pork chop.

TV pitch

Given the number of TV channels available today I have to imagine this idea has at least gone to pilot, but if not, I’d very much like to be in the pitch meeting for the following idea: “You remember the show Touched By An Angel? Like that but with white supremacists”.

Medical procedures

When grammatically appropriate, I do sometimes use a semicolon; And yet I’ve never had to get a semi-colonoscopy.

Vitamins added

If milk already had vitamins A and D, can’t you just add the rest of them in? Then I don’t have to take a daily multivitamin or eat whatever the fuck kale is. I’ll just keep drinking the burnt Starbucks like I normally do.

I believe

Overheard today from a kid, maybe 16: she’s about the same size as me, only smaller. Sigh, sometimes I really worry that children are our future.


I think that if the vet bill is going to cost more than the dog, you should probably just get a goldfish. But then again, I also think that if my medical bills are going to cost more than what I make in a year, you should probably just get a dog.


Is it bad that sometimes I wish I had cheated on my ex so could have given her an STD?

more statistics

Racially inappropriate thought of the day: statistically there must be some anorexic Samoans right? How come I’ve never met any.

imaginary friends

I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid, but he lived in Canada and never came to visit


There are attorneys general and surgeons general, are not the purveyors of coffee an equally important role to the function of a modern civil society? Should we not appoint a barista general? And each cup of Starbucks shall be armed with the warning that if you burn my coffee again you goddamn lackey, I will pour it down your pants.


If you want to solve traffic problems, make all cars powered by foot like Fred Flintstone’s


Some days I feel a little crazy and I’d worry my brain was getting syphilitic, but it’s been a while.


Normally I’m all in favor of “Stay in school and don’t do drugs” but once my kid graduates from high school and goes off to college if I have to shell out for tuition, I’ll be on the opposite side of both of those.

Klondike bars

What would I do for a Klondike Bar? How about rape you? How does that sound? For decent coffee I’d do it like you were my prison bitch.


Yeah, well, your Internet girlfriend sounds like a 45-year old man who’s breathing heavily.


I wear clothing on a pretty regular basis, but I have no idea how to make cloth. In the zombie apocalypse I’ll probably be mostly naked. Or covered in palm tree fronds.


Did you ever just have a day where you want to remind people that the phrase “for pizza’s sake” makes about as much logical sense, if not more, than the phrase “for Christ’s sake”? I mean only one of those things physically exists and pizza is much easier to accept into your life.


Sometimes I wonder what her life would have been like if Agatha Christie was a chef instead of a writer. Would there be lots of sauces with secret ingredients she would only tell you after you ate them?
Someone asks “wow that sauce was amazing what was in that.”
Chef Agatha Christie: “Wouldn’t you like to know. It’s a secret.”
Diner: “Yeah, but I mean I already at it and paid the bill. Even left a 20% tip.”
Chef: “Oh, well, if you’re already done, then it was peanuts, that’s the secret.”
Diner: “But I’m allergic to peanuts.”
Chef: “...and now you’ll die…..muahahahahahahaha.”


Relationships are about your point of view, when traveling with a loved one do you carry the luggage or carry the baggage?


I realize psychic powers don’t really exist, but sometimes I just don’t know what the fuck you’re thinking.


Any time I see two gay men together I have to believe they’re in love. because anal is one of those things usually reserved for someone who really loves their partner. Or someone who’s willing to pay double.


I think my brain works on sitcoms. I want my doctor to be like Ted Danson in Becker. And for that matter, I’d like my bartender to be sort of like Ted Danson in Cheers and my religious leaders to be sort of like Ted Danson in The Good Place. Someone should probably warn Ted Danson about me.

medical lesson

Medical lesson: aside from regular drug users, nobody “likes” needles. So before you give a shot to someone, punch them in the face to distract them.


Do you think an Ebola patient would appreciate a last meal more than a death row inmate? If you’re convicted of murder and cannibalism and put on death row, can you request your last meal to be a person? What about a baby? No, No, I mean a baby that nobody wants, like an orphan or something. That’s kind of like veal right? Anyway, if, well let’s be honest, it’s probably more a matter of “when” than “if”, but if I’m on death row, I want my last meal to a bald eagle. Because the hot wings would be huge and it would confuse people as to whether I was really patriotic or really hated America.

the future

As human beings, we progress. That’s what we do. I know as much, if not more, medicine than any doctor did in the old West. Probably more. I have, in my pocket, more computing power than was available on the entire planet when we landed a man on the moon. Hell, I could simulate that landing with an app. Yet, for some reason you can’t cook a fish? Something that humans have been doing for thousands of years? And you have the wrong food on my bill “dude”? I weep for the future of the species.

spawn point

I spend just five minutes in my office and I feel like this is my Edge of Tomorrow and I’m just waiting for Emily Blunt to shoot me in the head and end this stupid so I can start it all over again.


Really I’m an optimist, so if I say we’re on the Titanic, what I really mean is that the ship is only half-full of water.


The great thing about not believing in science is that there’s no scientific way to prove you wrong. But if you believe the education system failed you, how would you know if you were right?


They say Eskimos have hundreds of words for ice. Hawaiians have many different words for wind. In English you can say pancakes, flapjacks, or hot cakes. Why is there only one term for justifiable homicide? Especially during the Holiday season.


If it’s the low fat version, shouldn’t the dressing be called 500 island?


I may have to change my opinion about tweakers. I dislike lazy people in general, maybe just on principle. But when I see a meth addict he’s usually looking pretty busy, like he’s got places to be and things to do.


The correct answer to the question “do you know why I pulled you over?” is not “wow, that was quick, did the Amber Alert go out already?”


Hey you know what, fuck you, your baby never puts down his bottle and nobody complains that HE has a drinking problem.

Krav Maga

Upon sparring with a friend of mine who practices Krav Maga. I made the obvious joke that as a self-defense system developed by the Israeli military, it should be called Jew-Jitsu. Somebody explain to me how, like a dozen of these guys didn’t just fucking stop the holocaust in it’s tracks? Incidentally, you can use the term “shalom” as a hello and a goodbye, much like “aloha” is used in Hawaiian. Explaining that similarity also seemed to annoy my Hebro. As did referring to him as Hebro. Everything hurts now.


My “fear” of commitment is perfectly justified. People “commit” murder and arson, they get “committed” to the psych ward. If it was so awesome there would be a better word to describe it.


According to the 20 spam emails I just got, a child predator has moved into my neighborhood. I think I’d like to meet him (or her, let’s not be sexist). I think it would make for an interesting conversation. Like at what point in the family tree did someone reproduce with a dingo? How does one get into that line or work, I wonder? That seems like a minor in college that you might not want to fess up to. Maybe not, maybe it’s got a really good 401K plan and attracts very detail oriented people.

carry on

It’s not a “carry-on” if you idiots feel it necessary to roll your luggage through the entire plane and can’t be bothered to just lift the damn thing the last 15 feet from the jetway door to your seat. It’s already a crowded and confined space, God forbid you should be inconvenienced by other, less incompetent people trying to get to their seats so we can goddamn leave on time.


Watching TV procedural crime shows one would think it’s pretty common practice to kick in doors. So I wonder what the annual police budget is to repair kicked in doors. And at the end of the year, if they have money left over, would someone just go around kicking in doors for fun or practice?


We have GPS technology that can locate anyone in the word, laser guided missiles that can destroy enemy targets with a minimum of collateral damage and you, a trained medical professional, still need to probe my ass? Someone’s investing in the wrong research areas.

family style

Shouldn’t a “family style” restaurant really come with a racist uncle and a grandma that’s way too into church?

on ice

Nothing even moderately good is better on ice. Smurfs, scotch, crazy tweaker neighbors. Nothing. The only thing slightly improved is beer and that’s not entirely because of the ice.


If I get Alzheimer’s and can’t remember my sins do I still have to go to church to be absolved of them?


I genuinely dislike at least one of my married friends now. Telling me crap like “I miss being single, dude, you’re lucky you can sleep with anyone you want” which is crap. You can’t sleep with anyone you want. You can sleep with anyone who is willing to sleep with you. And that distinction marks a much smaller percentage of the population which, much to my disappointment, does not include Jessica Alba.


I don’t like flying. I mean I do, but commercial air travel pisses me off. Lines and impractical security checks and $9 for a two-day old sandwich, it's all ridiculous. Why can’t I just use my Amazon Prime or Super Saver shipping instead of flying coach? I’d probably have more legroom that way too.


My plan for retirement is to buy a boat. Not for what you might think. Every year, I’m going to go out on that boat chum the water until sharks appear and then swim 100 m out and, maybe, 100 m back to the boat. That’ll determine how long my retirement lasts.


Normally I’d complain when Presidents spend too much time golfing, but in the Trump era, I’m all for it. I would argue that the golf course is where he can do the least damage to, let’s just call it, everything and everybody. So please let the man golf, better than than signing more bullshit Executive Orders. Even if he’s spending a ton of taxpayer money on travel and security, it’s better than whatever else Steve Bannon has written up for him to sign.