Friday, March 12, 2010


I don't understand the point of "no smoking" signs anymore. They used to make sense when you could smoke in some places, you needed labeling for clarity. You can't smoke anywhere now, so what's the point? If you're going to put up signs with laws just to remind people of what is & isn't legal, my office needs a "no bashing people over the head with lead pipes" sign. I might just get so enraged at some point that I forget that one. And some churches could use a sign that says "don't touch little kids." Personally, I tend to think that's a bigger deal than a cigarette.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Similarities Between Women and Fish

This is my way of getting through stage four, if it offends, too bad. Don't read it.

1. Both require bait to catch or, if you're out of bait...
2. both are attracted to shiny objects....
3. and yet somehow both are finicky eaters.
4. There are, at times, similarities in smell. 'nuff said.
5. Both tend to travel in schools.
6. Some of them are carnivorous and you have to be careful because those are the ones with teeth.
7. Fish are cold. Women's feet are cold. There is no biological explanation for either of these.
8. Neither is good when baked.
9. Both should be eaten on Friday. Especially for the Catholics.
10. Beer is regularly consumed when purauong both women and fish.
11. For rednecks, catching women or catching fish has no real technique and consists mostly of sticking random body parts into a dark wet hole and bringing back something big and ugly.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

House budgets

I was looking at my pay from last year and it seems pretty lame. I live in an apartment and even in a down economy with a buyer's market. I can't afford a house.

Or at least not a 'house' without the word "dog", "bird" or "out" prepended to it.

I'd put in something about a lighthouse or a cathouse here but I'm too sad about my W-2 to think of anything worth typing.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Sea Cucumbers

Is the sea cucumber a plant or an animal, and why can't I tell the difference?

Friday, March 05, 2010

Chicken Tea

The most wrong thing I have heard in a very long time: "you drink hot tea. That's all this is, it's not chicken broth, it's chicken tea."

No, no, I am afraid that is NOT the case. I don't drink "green soup" I drink green tea. You do not get to call that "chicken tea." No.

If what you were saying were true, it would mean that I also drink "bean broth" and not coffee. And I fucking drink COFFEE.

Minimum Sentencing Guidelines

The DOJ has minimum sentencing guidelines for various crimes. Like possession of Marijuana = minimum x years. Second degree murder = minimum y years.

Do Catholics have the same with Confession? Is there a minimum number of Hail Mary's and Our Fathers you have to do when you fuck up? And if so, how do they keep it up to date for new crimes? I mean I'm sure at some point in Church history there was a book somewhere that was like "using the lord's name in vain = 3 Our Fathers + 2 Hail Mary's" but what's the protocol for Nigerian email scams? Is it the same as other scams? Or is there an additional sentence for misuse of computers? And what happens if you're a gay Catholic who gets married? Is there a minimum Catholic sentence for that?

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

TV in heaven

Does Heaven get DirectTV? Or just basic cable? Did the FCC make them do the digital tv conversion there? What choir of angels is responsible for cable tv repair there? Are they unionized? Ihope they put the parental controls in place and block Fox News.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010


My ex moved to a different state a while back. With the understanding that whatever goes on in her personal life, I don't want to know. We effectively split on fairly amicable terms. Anyway, I come to find out that she's been seeing someone there and I happy for her, blah, blah, woof, woof, all that shit. But now I find myself going through the seven stages of grief. I have given myself five days to go through the stages of

1. Drinking too much
2. Smoking an overpriced cigar and swearing a lot.
3. Buying a bunch of condoms with the expectation that I'm going to get laid then never using them only to one day find them in the back of my medicine cabinet afer they've passed the expiration date by two years.
4. Weeping like a little bitch.
5. Overworking.