Hyperbole

 Hyperbole is stupid. Stop it. There are lots of times like the present. Yesterday was like the present. Tomorrow will be like the present. I'm willing to bet that next week will be very much like the present. Plus, the present keeps changing. It's a totally different present from when you started reading this and you didn't notice anything different, did you? Right now, totally different present and you're still an asshat. Nothing has changed. There are an infinite set of times that are very much like the present.

Behavior

 more people should shoplift from fancy kitchen supply stores. I think that not enough people have learned to take whisks.

Thankful

 As Thanksgiving week starts, it's sometimes nice to reflect on the things you're thankful for. As the a parent of one child for whom I cosigned a stupid amount of student debt, I'm thankful for condoms.

Confusion

Maybe you’re just confusing CRT with Black Friday.

Fiction

Showing me an ad for condoms on Facebook isn't marketing. It's fan fiction.

Self-Reliant

What kind of incompetent is daylight that it needs to be saved each year? At some point, you should learn to save yourself.

Tardiness

 oh, okay, fine. I'm one day late and now when I go up to your kid and ask "hey, want some candy?" it's fucking awkward?!?!?! Make up your damn mind.