Monday, September 28, 2009

thought of the day 2009 10 12 - leaving for work

Ah early morning. Off to work i go.

I wonder if people who own Chinese restaurants says "off to wok I go"?

And i wonder what was the deal with Doc. Seven mentally challenged miners and one of them has a medical degree? Are they escapee's of some sort? Is Doc running some like of Disney version of the Milgram experiment?

Friday, September 25, 2009

thought of the day 2009 10 11 - sitting ducks

Do ducks actually sit? I don't think I've ever seen a duck sitting. I mean I've seen ducks in water but that's not actually sitting, it's more like swimming on your ass. Ducks on water are moving all the time. They're kind of like Riverdance, they don't really look like their moving but from the ankles down they're all fucking madness.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

thought of the day 2009 10 10- The Great Gmail outage of 2009

So at the moment there are parts of Gmail which aren't working. Like I can't access my Contacts list, and apparently what Google does is to display this fact in a red banner at the top of the page. Apparently this fact seems to worry some people because I've already gotten a couple of emails about it.

Seriously people, excessive panic much? It's fucking email. And it's not even completely unavailable. Disconnect once in a while. Go watch porn the old fashioned way for once.

I can't fucking wait until I'm in my 60's and I get to tell my grandchildren about the great Gmail outage of ought-nine. And they won't believe me and they'll just think I'm getting senile.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

thought of the day 2009 10 09 - crickets

There's this cricket outside my window, it woke me up at 2 AM with the chirping, it's been going ever since and it won't shut the hell up. If this is some kind of mating call, I'm like one more sleep deprived hour away from blowing a cricket just to get some sleep.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

thought of the day 2009 10 08 - TV in foreign countries

I'm here in Germany for a week and I'm watching some TV. It's actually kind of funny because I'm watching Comedy Central but its all dubbed into German. So I'm watching South Park dubbed into German. Now if you've seen the South Park episode where Cartman dresses up like a Nazi, yeah, that, dubbed into German. Nice. Also, Hogan's Heroes dubbed into German. That in it's own right is something of a mind fuck.

But they've also got other normal sitcoms and stuff and the laughs happen at the same place so I wonder if they also have to dub the laugh tracks. Is there a difference between a German laugh and an American one?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

thought of the day 2009 10 07 - Secret Service code names

On the off chance that I should ever rannk high enough in the government to require a Secret Service code name, I call dibs on using "okole." I just think it would be hilarious to have a bunch of armed agents running around saying "asshole" and not knowing it.

thought of the day 2009 10 06 - I'm easily confused.

Used to be you'd see a homeless person talking to themselves and you'd know they were a nutter. Now could just be they're talking on a cell phone and goddamn if that isn't confusing.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

thought of the day 2009 10 05 - Saints

Catholics have Saints for everything. They need one more. The guy that invented the sandwich, fucking awesome. That right there was a miracle. Those toasted spicy Italian sandwiches at Subway are a goddamn religious experience when you skip dinner the night before and breakfast was like two and a half cups of coffee and a Werther's butterscotch.

thought of the day 2009 10 04 - Iraq

Time for a new solution to violence in Iraq and Afghanistan. If heaven has seventy-odd virgins, I say that Earth should have 24x7 free porn. Have one PFC in Las Vegas just picking up stripper ads and we fucking carpet bomb Mosul with those. Playboy TV becomes Iraq's national broadcast network. This will work.

thought of the day 2009 10 03 - Best Buy

The thing I hate and love about Best Buy is that in most stores, you stand in line and there's like gum or breath mints or cigarette lighters by the registered. At Best Buy your impluse buy choices are an $89 laptop carrying case or a fucking XBox 360

thought of the day 2009 10 02 - change

Considering the fact that the last time I got laid was before the ex moved back in April. I'm a little frustrated. And now I have a trip coming up so decisions here; threesome with two ridiculously cute German pixies who don't speak much English. That's change I can believe in.

It's either that or go skydiving with noting but a parachute and some hare krishna robes.

Monday, September 07, 2009

thought of the day 2009 10 01 - when I die

I used to have this morbid idea that when I die it would be horrible. Now I have a plan. I'm going to be in my 70's convert religions, well okay, so get a religion and be a Mormon, then have like half a dozen wives a quarter my age. I'll take a dozen Viagra, which will make for an awesome obit by the way.

And I'm having an open casket.

thought of the day 2009 09 30 - if I were a doctor

If I went to med school. I'd be a proctologist and I'd put myself through college taking jobs as a ventriloquist. Then after med school, I'd setup my practice in Vegas or Atlantic City. In part because there's a lot of old people so I'd probably do pretty well, but also because I could have an act on the weekends.

thought of the day 2009 09 29 - No I haven't found Jesus

I mention this only because I was slightly hung over yesterday morning when a pair of, what my still inebriated brain perceived as terrorists, came over and knocked on my door. And since I was on my couch I stupidly moved around enough for them to hear me. So I go to the door and they ask me if I've found Jesus.

Please keep in mind that I'm usually a nice person, just not on a Saturday morning when I can smell the scotch coming out of my pores.

So I responded that no I hadn't found Jesus, but I'm sad that they lost him and if they wanted they could put up a flyer on the sign at the end of the street. And then I closed my door and proceeded to stumble to the shower. But now I feel kind of bad and I hope he has one of those implants that the humane society can scan if someone turns him in.

I don't know if they were offering a reward for someone finding Jesus. I just hope that, for the sake of whoever finds him, he's housebroken.

That's the thing about drinking though. Alcohol changes your moods. Take a look at any bar during happy hour, look around and see how many happy people there are. These are the same people who bitch about their bosses and can't afford the beds they have to roll out of on Sunday mornings because God said so.


I was watching Jeopardy for the first time in a while. When the hell did Jeopardy! get all glam rocky? Did they fucking get the guy from Duran Duran to redo the Jeopardy! song? Also, Alex Trebec is an alien. Dude hasn't aged in years. He's got the same hair the same face. I mean it's kinda scary.

thought of the day 2009 09 28 - rules of court procedure

Let's say you go into the hospital to get your appendix removed. Now let's say someone makes a mistake and the OR surgeons confuse you with the guy scheduled right after you. Now let's say the guy in the OR after you has flesh eating bacteria and needs to get both arms amputated.

When it comes to the malpractice trial, how does the court swear you in on the witness stand? Do they have you put your nose on the bible? Do you still have to raise your right hand even if it's already amputated? Like hold it in your teeth or something? What if the court reporter is kind of hot and you just get a hard on instead? Can you raise a smaller third leg instead? And if that's the case, then more strippers should become court reporters or it's entirely possible the justice system will fail our society.

thought of the day 2009 09 27 - When God gets stoned

I'm not particularly religious, but let's assume there's a God. Let's further assume that he created everything. Even the Platypus. Now lets further assume that one of he things he created was cannabis. If I follow logic to this point, God occasionally gets stoned and we can use the Platypus as proof of this. Now I'm fine with that, but I have to ask, when God gets stoned, how does he call out to order a pizza? Who does he call? I don't really thing Papa John's delivers to Heaven and the long distance calls must be like $4 per minute. But if he's stoned he can't really trust himself to will a pizza into existence. He might fuck it up and conjure one with anchovies on it. So how does God deal with munchies?

thought of the day 2009 09 26 - Lassie

Is watching Lassie or Old Yeller like porn for dogs? I mean they're naked through the whole thing. And if it is, shouldn't we be putting content warnings on there for the people who treat their dogs like kids? Of course if that is the case, then Flipper must be like porn for dolphins...or mermaids.

on further reflection, since they kill Old Yeller at the end, it's not only porn, it's like some kinky snuff porn which means it should carry a warning AND it's probably kept in the back of the pet store behind the curtain, and they'll hand it to you in a plain brown paper bag.

That's the weird thing about movies though, I absolutely will not cry during any Lifetime movie but, Field of Dreams, Brian's Song, Old Yeller, you can be a guy and still cry during these three films...and maybe Empire Strikes Back.

Friday, September 04, 2009

thought of the day 2009 09 25 - Jesus' Middle Name

What does the H stand for in Jesus H. Christ? Is it like the J in Michael J. Fox? Just a made up middle initial? There's lots of Hispanics named Jesus, I can't think of too many who's name start with H. Unless my spelling is totally off. It's not Hose is it? No? Okay, so what does the H stand for? Herbert? Jesus Herbert Christ? That doesn't seem right. What about Himmler? I mean the Jews killed him right, would it be fitting if 1940 odd years later he gets some revenge? And Himmler's first name was Heinrich, so even more likely, right?

thought of the day 2009 09 24 - Jaws

It's summer here and you know, I just relized that all the tourists get toasted on the beaches here are white. Kind of makes me believe that if Chief Brody and Hooper had been black guys or if it had taken place in Southern California, Jaws would have been a much shorter movie. "Shark? Fuck it, I ain't going in the water anyway."

thought of the day 2009 09 23 - Oprah

Part of the reason I love Oprah so much is that she has those shows where she just gives people stuff. Like if some famous singer comes on she has the audience look under their seats and it's the singer's latest CD. Or when she gave away the cars.

What I want to see is the episode where she gives away something really oddball. I want to see Oprah jumping up and down pointing at everyone going "You get a STD! You get an STD! You get an STD!" That would be a great show.

thought of the day 2009 09 22 - I have changed my views on marriage

I now have a solid plan for my financial future. Since I'm probably going to spend most of my savings on hookers and booze, I figured it was a good idea to have a backup plan for retirement. Marry rich.

Don't really care if she's old, ugly, sleeps around (no pre-nup), don't fucking care. She can be a total slut as long as she's rich enough that when we fuck on the wedding night, I don't get crabs I get lobsters.

thought of the day 2009 09 21 - we're just fucking making up illnesses now

Seriously, fucking cancer, MS, Parkinson's, irritable bowels, I get it, these are bad. But what the fuck is "restless leg syndrome"? Since when did we decide it was okay to just make up new fucking diseases now? A new FORM of cancer, I can understand that, a new strain of flu, I get that. You get drug resistant strains of bugs developing all the time, but to just fucking make up new chronic illnesses just seems goddamn ludicrous.

Now I kind of want to go to med school, get my MD practice medicine for a couple of years and suddenly announce a new disease. It's going to be called YAFM. Stands for Your All Fucking Morons. See, I can pull that acronym shit too.

thought of the day 2009 09 20 - Rules of dress

Wore sneakers to the office yesterday, someone commented on it. To be clear, I have four rules of dress.

1. Belts. They're awesome for carrying all kinds of stuff. If it was marketable I would invent a belt with pockets, so I could walk around naked with just a bunch of crap in my pockets and all sorts of stuff on my belt.

2. Always wear a watch. In a pinch, wear a watch that can be used like brass knucles. Because you never know when you're going to be walking through Chinatown at 3:30 in the morning.

3. Comfortable shoes are required

4. No stretchy shirts. Stretchy shirts are for chicks. No guy should own a stretchy shirt unless he's a gay Puerto Rican or lives in San Francisco. Yes I realize there's some overlap there.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

thought of the day 2009 09 19 - nerd Klingons (I'm in Berlin for work so I'm putting up a weeks worth in one shot). Back from Germany on 9/19

How come in Star Trek, every time you see a Klingon, he's dark skinned, looks scary as fuck and might try to eat you alive? You can't tell me they kill all the nerds. No society with interstellar travel could have evolved if they killed off all the nerdy Steve Urkel type Klingons. At some point some, pasty skinned fucking dweeb Klingon must have been walking around with a pocket protector trying to calculate the precise proper angular curve of a bat'leth (and no, I did not have to Google that spelling). There must have been some Klingon nerd at some point who refused to get a tan, walked around in pants pulled up past whatever Klingon's have for belly buttons, had some stash of girl on girl porn that he had to hide from his parents because he lived in their basement. Why have I never seen this Klingon? Why have I never seen the Chinese Klingon?

I mean hell, you know the humans in Star Trek have expanded that Chinatown franchise into deep space. If planet Vulcan didn't have at least a couple of big Chinatown's by the time Kirk was around I would be fucking surprised. So why no equivalent Klingon's who are really short, talk in bad accents and try to sell you plastic junk and cookware or other stuff at very reasonable prices.

Why no Jewish Klingon? I think a Klingon in a yarmulke would look pretty damn interesting. I don't have a long rambling few sentences for that, I just want you to picture Khan with a yarmulke. That's right, you're stuck with a mental picture of Ricardo fucking Montalban with a skullcap.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

thought of the day 2009 09 18 - danger!

I'm watching this thing about throwing weapons. Knives, axes, even things like screwdrivers, scissors and other improvised weapons. And of course at the beginning of it is the obligatory, "do not try this at home" warning. Which of course, I'm probably going to ignore, but even if I don't ignore it, i'm still a bit annoyed. How come every time someone says "it goes without saying" they go ahead and say it anyway? I mean, damn, if it goes without saying, then you shouldn't have to fucking say it right?