Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Fire is not motherfucking friendly

So I got word today that a friend of mine, a guy I used to work with, who was deployed in Afghanistan (I think) was injured recently. I don't have details and it may not even be the place to post it here but I feel like venting. So my understanding is that there was some accident and he was shot in the upper chest / lower shoulder area. I presume he was weaing body armor of some sort, or maybe he just got lucky because he's not dead. I don't even know when this happened.

I just feel like saying that regardless of where the fucking bullet comes from, it is not very goddamn friendly to shoot someone. There is no such thing as friendly fire, just like there is no such fucking thing as dry cleaning. I don't walk into some shot with a shit that I vomited on after a wedding with open bar and say "clean this until it's spotless and don't use any liquids." Likewise, I don't fucking walk into a combat zone and say "hey, dude, can you do me a favor ahd shoot me in the chest?"

The only time there exist such a thing as friendly fire is when your number gets called in the draft and you get a buddy to shoot you in the leg so you get shipped home. That is the only time when being shot can be considered "friendly" Well that and roman candle wars.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Pondering the oddities of life

Sometimes at night (or early in the morning) when I can't sleep, I stay up and ponder the oddities of life. Like porn stars who quit porn because they "found Jesus." That's Jesus the religious figure, not Jesus the illegal Mexican gardener. I would imagine it's actually fairly common for a porn star to find Jesus the illegal Mexican gardener.

Monday, May 19, 2008

And we can't fucking get touch screen voting to work?!?!?!?

So last friday, I'm sitting after work waiting for my son and his mom to meet at the movie theatre. First of all ticket prices are outrageous and my one ticket to see Iron Man just paid the minimum wage salary for the stoner working the cash register at the snack bar for like three hours, but that's beside the point.

They have these machines now where you can buy a ticket with a touch screen. I don't have to stand in line and tell some other minimum wage monkey what movie and how many adult tickets and how many child tickets I just tap the screen for the movie, the time, the tickets etc. and I can pay with cash or credit card. Now somebody, please fucking tell me how it is that the movie industry can have these machines and we can't get them when we elect, oh the fucking President of the United States. I can get a paper stub when I go see fucking Speed Racer but if I want to verify that I selected John Kerry instead of George W. Bush I'm shit out of luck? Something is very fucking wrong here.

I saw a six year old work the fucking machine and we can't get these working for adults? Now granted most six year olds can probably program a fucking VCR now and yet my parent's VCR still blinks 12:00 on the clock, but still, it's not that damn difficult.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


A friend recently commented to me that she wanted to get laid. Ironically I just want to get laid off. Take a few months vacation, collect unemployment. I think that would be better than sex at this point. Not that getting laid would that bad I suppose. Except the work would be there after lunch. I mean don't get me wrong, the endorphines would be nice. I like endorphines; especially if I don't have to jog on a fucking treadmill to get them.

The French call an orgasm "le petit morte," the little death. Every time I run I feel like I'm going to have a fucking heart attack so I suppose it's pretty close.

Monday, May 05, 2008


So I was asked today to signup for Greenpeace. And it's not that I'm opposed to helping the environment. I mean the signup forms these guys use are made from recycled paper and printed with soy in (yeah, I know right? Soy ink). But what gets me is that this is the same group of people that has these giant boats that go out and try to protect the ocean life except that these boats burn hundreds and thousands of gallons of oil. I think if they're going to be saving the environment they shouldn't be killing the air to save the ocean. Maybe if they converted the engines of the boats to run on some alternative fuel source. Like baby seals. Baby seals have lots of blubber and oil. Or whaltes. At least if they tried to save whales it would make sense because it was their fuel supply.

Though I suppose the best case scenario is for them to be converted to run on fat people 'cause there's lots of fat people in the US. Maybe they can partner up nation-wide with all the liposuction clinics and be all Fight Club, except instead of making soap they just burn people fat to power their ships to save the whales. Because it's all about saving the whales.