random reactions to SDCC 2014

SDCC 2014 just finished and though I didn’t go, reading and watching coverage has made me realize a few things.

1. In retrospect, what I dislike most about Star Trek isn’t the fact that the galaxy still appears to be run by a bunch of white guys, it’s that the communicators didn’t have call waiting but they did have some magic ability to know exactly who you wanted to talk to. What if there were two guys named McCoy on that ship? You call up because there was a medical emergency and some red shirt is dying and instead you get some jackass in the mess asking if you want fries with that. And there’s no way in shit you can tell me that in the middle of some stand-off with a Klingon that there wasn’t a pregnant Orion girl calling Kirk for child support. There’s no way they have call screening that good.

2. I have this recurring idea for a video to the tune of Lady Gaga’s Just Dance called Hulk Dance. Where instead of “Hulk Smash”…you know what, that one is pretty self-explanatory.

3. I also have this notion that I want to reboot the Knight Rider TV show (again) but instead of just a car you have different vehicles and instead of the teacher from Boy Meets World, you get, say, Chris Walken to voice over the car, Patrick Stewart or maybe Ian McKellan to voice a bicycle, yeah you read that right; Queen Latifah as like an Airwolf style helicopter and Ellen DeGeneres as that semi they transported the car in because she seems like the caring mother-ship type and I think the ad-libs would be amusing. But all of this would be played totally straight. It would last like three episodes before it got pulled but it would be AMAZING.

4. And this has nothing to do with SDCC specifically, but even though I realize you want to make shit all Web 2.0-y or whatever, you can just post shit without a whole string of hashtags. It’s like twitter is running a train on your ideas. #fuckhashtags #hashtagscansuckit

The Pen Is Mightier

The invention of the ball point pen is way more important and impressive than sliced bread. Imagine having to write with a fucking quill. You don't have to, because of the ball point pen. Imagine having to eat bread in slices. You can fucking do that anyway because someone invented the knife. So the next time someone uses the phrase "best thing since sliced bread", take a loaf of bread and cram it down their throat.
Plus, when they start to choke, you can offer to perform an emergency tracheotomy on them if you're allowed to write "cliched idiot" on their forehead, and you can do both of those things with your ball point pen.

Racist Food

I don't know if this is racist or not, but I find it disconcerting that beans are refried and rice is just fried.

More flavorful cooking

You can take some fish wrap it up with rice and cover that with salmon roe and that’s called Sushi. You can take a chicken, roll it around in crumbs and dip it in egg, that’s called delicious. But you can’t really do that with other foods. I mean, yeah, you can wrap pretty much anything in bacon and it tastes better, but that’s pretty much the extent. There’s something impressive about being able to dip an animal in itself just to make it taste better. Like going through two generations of a species simultaneously improves the flavor. Though to be fair I would very much like to try to make a veal sandwich using a pair of New York strips like a pair of bread slices.