Maybe he's just confused

Hey, just curious, has anybody considered the possibility that in all these speeches, President Trump is just confusing MS13 with UB40? I mean, if a wall can stop English reggae, I'd strongly consider it.

Ken Burns

I watched that Ken Burns film on Vietnam. It was good, but it took a while to get through. The one he makes for this fucking Presidency is going to be like three weeks long.

Brexit

At this point, I think the UK should just decide this whole Brexit thing via baking competition.

birthdays

Hm, my kid is going to be turning eighteen soon. What's the right way to say "I'm glad you didn't die, but if I made better life choices, you probably wouldn't exist" ? I think I'll just go with happy birthday.

Binks 4 Pres - 2020

Watching a Trump rally reminds me of a bad remake of the scene from Episode III where Palpatine declares to the full Galactic Senate the creation of the Empire and everybody cheers.

Jar Jar 2020

old

Hey, how old do I need to be before I'm allowed to be racist? Most of my cool birthdays are gone and I need something to look forward to.

patent pending

I’m a damn genius. I just invented this thing. It’s like a selfie, but instead of standing there like an idiot with your arm stuck out, you get someone else to take the picture for you. They can get a whole group a people in a shot. They can check to make sure the picture is in focus. It's the next big thing in tech. I'm going to sell it to Instagram for a boatload of money. Get in on this now ladies. I’m going to be a fucking billionaire once my patent comes through.

Multilingual

If you speak English, President Trump's tweets make just as much sense when you get them in Russian.

Imagine

When I'm done imagining dragons, what should I imagine next? How about functional government? That's also a mythical creature at this point. Or maybe salad. Yeah, I'll imagine salad.