Thursday, March 31, 2011

Forced into the life

If I ever get fired from my job for being an insolent dick....well let's be honest, WHEN I get fired, and get forced into a life of male prostitution to pay my bills, I think most of my ex's would agree, I'll be pretty bad at it.

But I'd still rather do that then work on one of those Deadliest Catch boats just so someone else can eat crab legs.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Not my cup of tea

No, it's not my cup of tea. Because I don't drink tea. I drink coffee. And I don't like shit in my coffee.

However, if you can figure out a way to turn the Starbucks on every fucking corer into one of the coffee shops from Amsterdam, that, would be my metaphorical cup of tea. Or coffee. Whatever

Take your kid to work day

What do prostitutes do on take your child to work day? Or strippers? I just don't really get the appeal of strippers. They're mostly large breasted pigeons following the breadcrumbs of $20's. And going to a strip club is the same as going to a restaurant when you're starving and paying to only look at food. But they still must have more fun than I do, and the job is probably more entertaining for a kid than mine, so maybe I should just shut the fuck up now.


So, congratulations to Jolene for having a baby. Being a baby is like being a rock star. Your main job is to make noise. You scream and see boobs. You can throw up anywhere you want, it's expected and somebody else cleans it up.


Rock stars have groupies. I can accept that, but what about air guitarists? Do they just have imaginary groupies who pretend to blow them in the dressing room?


What is the age at which it's no longer appropriate to be wearing your hat backwards, accept it and just spin that ducker around? Whatever that age is, I fear I'm rapidly approaching it.


If I don't have a handbasket, what do I go to hell in? laptop bag? Bathtub? Email attachment? No, that wouldn't work. Hell probably has a really good spam filter.

Unsupervised Time

I had a lot of unsupervised time as a kid, which is probably why I am the way I am. A lot of the time was because my dad's been married 4 times and I was there for three of them. Hell, I've been best man or signed witness at one them.

And I don't know if you know this, but I'm not married, no current girlfriend (yeah, that's a shocker) so it's kind of weird developmentally when you grow up and realize your dad is getting more play than you. You kind of have to just take a moment to do a little self reflection when you realize that your DAD has more game than you do. But it's fine, you know? He's happy so I'm okay with it. Just don't go having more kids. I don't think there's a big enough piece of paper in the world for when my kid has to draw out his family tree in school. He'll be saying "um what if I just try to draw this out with some chalk in the parking lot."

And sadly, these are the things I think about with my unsupervised time now.

Yes or No Questions

When women are screaming during sex it's always a positive or negative. Either "yes" or "no". Maybe a "God" or two in there, which is weird if you think about it because that's probably something that God would put right through to voicemail rather than answering that call.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fairly sure that if God exists and He did create us in His image, he's probably a little bit of a freak and maybe kind of pervy, so I'm sure he'd look at the caller ID see "Bonnie's at it again" and once in a while he'd answer that one, but He's God. He's got stuff to do and I'm sure he screes the sex calls. Plus, if Bonnie was going at it with a vibrator, screaming, that one is more from science than God, so He'd have to think of that one like a wrong number. After all, it would really be more appropriate for her to be screaming "oh development of plastics and alkaline batteries combined with efficient manufacturing, shipping and global distribution!".

But every so often, I wonder if there's a girl out there who screams "I don't know you decide!" At least that would be consistent with how the dinner leading up to the sex occurred.


It's taken me like three weeks, but I'm early done with the draft of my installation report for work. Which is nice and it's got a lot of useful recommendations, except that I know it's a futile exercise because people, or at least the people I work with, generally just treat reports like Playboy and only look at the pictures.


I want to ride in a plane with a pilots who are ex Air Force fighter jocks with some boredom issues.

Have the pilot just comes on the PA system and announces "we're cruising at 35,000 ft. and we're going to try a few things here. This first move is called a 'barrel roll'. and please note that the fasten set belt sign is lit."


If a Jew drives a truck, does he then refer to a yarmulke as a "skull hemi"?

Tiger Woods should be our energy policy model

All the craziness going on in the middle east, Obama not opening the oil reserve, we should use Tiger Woods' marriage as our model for a solid national energy policy. You break yourself of a single monopoly supplier, outsource services where you can, source locally whenever possible. It's a great foundational philosophy.

King Crab

You probably don't realize this about me, but I really like king crab legs. And I'm really good at eating this. That and being damn near blind is probably why I'm not gay. See my crab eating skills would probably make me appealing to gay men, but being blind, I'd probably miss and the cock would end up in my nose or something. Porn stars get facials, I'd probably end up with an earful.

My Next Business Venture

I think I want to start a greeting card company. But not some lame ass Hallmark knock off. I'd like to do fake holidays. Like a St. Patrick's Hangover Day for March 18'th. And of course I'd steal the Not a Father's Day idea from How I Met Your Mother. because it's important to be able to walk into a CVS and buy a "who's not your daddy" card when the test comes back negative. Plus, we'd have all the normal fake holidays like Chrismassacre (for when your mother in law visits) and Easter.

And then I'll sell out to Hallmark for like a bazillion dollars.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Japan Earthquake

So over the past week I've been looking at new pictures every day. All I can say is holy shit. It looks like Godzilla and Mothra had some crazy battle across the right half of the country. Add oddly enough, there's even radiation involved.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I was watching part of Jaws this morning and came to realize something. Sharks are carnivores right? So let's say that a shark is cruising the waters off of California and happens to bite a swimmer that is...let's say...mostly silicon. If you were that shark, how fucking pissed would you be? I mean, you don't have any hands, you'd be swimming around with plastic in your teeth and all the other fish would laugh at you like "hey man, you've got something stuck right there" and you couldn't really do anything about it other than maybe bite a pufferfish and try to use him like a toothpick. Plus, that's just one more industry for the EPA to crack down on for tossing more trash into the ocean and violating the Clean Water Act.

Love at First Sight

By show of hands, how many of you believe in love at first sight?

Here's why you're wrong: love at first sight is based on this premise that was told again today; basically, that when you meet your perfect match, you'll know immediately. So how come when you meet the wrong person, it takes years of emotional crap and mediocre sex to figure out?

Laughing now?

I wonder if when he was a kid, Alec Baldwin would hear people trying to be sarcastic saying "don't be a smart alec" and just kind of file it in the back of his head. Then when he got older, he did a few so-so movies and went ballistic on voicemail and was all like "what the hell, I thought you wanted me to be stupid?!?"

At that point, you just kind of have to say "fuck it. 30 Rock is great, my SNL skits are goddamn awesome and who else could play Jack Ryan and Mr. Conductor for Thomas the Tank Engine. In a fictional world, I get to bang Elizabeth Banks. That's right. you can all go fuck yourselves." And he'd be right. I mean sure, George Carlin played Mr Conductor too and he was funny as all hell, but it's still nice to think back on the sarcastic assholes of your youth and remember how much their lives suck now.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I think that if you're going to get the honor of being knighted it should be kind of a balanced deal. Like yeah, everybody in the UK calls you "sir" but then, anyone, at any time can challenge you to a joust and you must accept his or her challenge. 'Cause I think I could take Elton John. Paul McCartney, I'm not sure about and Judy Dench would fucking wallop me, but Elton John, I think I could take him in a joust.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Praise Science

I'm going to steal someone else's thought here for a bit....

I am currently sitting in my bedroom listening to Teena Marie on the radio awaiting news updates on the tsunami watch and ensuing evacuation.

My AT&T iPhone works better as a theft deterrent than as a fucking phone right ow.

Look, I know things are going to be fine. I'm not actually in the tsunami evacuation zone; but at the end of all this, I'm just letting you know, that if I hear you say "praise God" when this is all over, I will strangle you.

I have a friend in Honshu, don't know if she's okay. That was God. Science, on the other hand, gave us a tsunami warning system and Civil Defense. Science predicted wave heights and tsunami danger zones and let us print them nicely in phone books that everyone has, even if they usually only use them to smash roaches or as doorstops. God sat this one out. So at the end of all this, thank Science we all came out okay.

now go hug a nerd.


AT&T you are FUCKING USELESS. "Emergency" warning situation and I can get neither calls nor texts nor 3g coverage. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU HARD....No wait that would be a good thing. UNFUCK YOU. and your parents so that you were never born.

Sunday, March 06, 2011


The conversation I imagined but didn't actually have with the mother in front of me at the checkout this evening:

Me: Cute baby. Is it a boy or a girl?
Mom: He's all in blue, isn't it clear?
Me: I don't know, maybe your just raising a butch lesbian infant.

Friday, March 04, 2011


Every time I wear a medical bracelet, I feel like checked luggage that needs to be screened by TSA. As an odd coincidence, I do sometimes get x-rayed while wearing one

Who Knew?

Apparently, neurons being fired in your brain are different than morons being fired in your office.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

What do you do?

So I'm flipping channels the other night and come across the movie Speed, the one with Keanu Reeves, and while I like that movie, I think there are some ways to improve it.

Don't get me wrong, the one liners are awesome; "don't fuck with daddy", that's a classic. And perhaps I'm just a bit too much of a nerd, but I'd like to change up some of those hypothetical situations. "Shoot the hostage." That's way too easy. They should be pondering stuff like the following,

So you're Aquaman and yeah, you can swim real fast and talk to dolphins, but you're like the only king who can't visit Las Vegas, and there's this douche named Batman who doesn't have any special powers, just this Swiss Army Belt thing and he still scores chicks like Vicki Vale. You're a relatively fit fish dude, you can't help but want some occasional strange and yet it's hard to score when your cologne smells like kelp and David Blaine has more impressive tricks than you. You're cool, you've got skills, still no play. What do you do? What do you do?

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Not Current

Perhaps I'm just not current on the state of the sex toy industry or pornography, but I just saw a picture of a girl playing with male penis, and it was colored. Now I can sort of understand that. Flesh colored ones, black ones, pink ones even if they're supposed to be girly, but why blue? Are you supposed to imagine being fucked by a smurf? Sumrfs are small, this thing looked like someone cut off the arm of the Beast from the X-Men comics and just decided to insert it in a random orifice. I am slightly disturbed now. Not enough to walk away from dinner, because I skipped lunch and I'm hungry, but disturbed none the less.


Why do I work in a place where so much stuff happens in a backwards manner?
Because that's just how we dysfunction.

Modern world

The great thing about living in the modern world is that you can actually be free to ponder the deep moral implications of the question tof whether or not sex with Ariel from The Little Mermaid would be beastiality 


Is it bad if I regularly confuse 'barrister' and 'barista'? Both of them waste my time with overpriced bullshit