Sunday, November 30, 2014


You know what would be fun? If you were the President and you were single, you could date people and then break up with them via Predator drone.

Monday, November 17, 2014


I lie to customers too often as it is. I kind of don't want to lie to people when it isn't necessary anymore. So henceforth if something you say or do isn't really "cool" I'm just going to respond with "adequate", "mediocre" or "mildly amusing". On a related side note most of your kids aren't really that cute. That's just something people say because it doesn't take time or effort. Unless they're some kind of jack wang, then it's just an abbreviated way of saying "I'm ambivalent about your child until they reach the age of consent."

...and on a mildly amusing note, as I write this I see that trending on the interwebs, Charles Manson, the notorious mass murderer, is marrying a 26-year old. Which begs the question, how many people does a guy have to kill around here to fuck a 26-year old?!?!?!

Sunday, November 16, 2014


About 42% of Americans believe the creationist view that Earth is less than 10,000 years old. About 46% don't have the literacy to read their own prescriptions. Okay science, time for natural selection to kick in and take care of two birds with one stone.


Kangaroos have three vaginas. Why is that relevant you ask? It’s not (unless you’re a kangaroo….or trying to f%ck one), but then again, neither are Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, yet you seem to be interested in those.

Sunday, November 09, 2014


I have this ongoing rage meme with my son when it comes to Pepsi marketing. Last night we came up with a new tag line they should consider using: "Pepsi, because who are you f*@cking kidding, you're not going to drink water." Feel free to use that if you want Pepsi, but if you do, you owe me royalties in the form of one bottle of Coke.

Sunday, November 02, 2014


Sometimes I wonder if giraffes didn't just evolve as the offshoot from some ancestor of the modern horse that was just really intent on being able to perform fellatio on itself.

Saturday, November 01, 2014


The word “teacherous” should be added to the dictionary. For those things that are dangerous but have teachable moments. Like, for example, if you fry fish, wear a shirt. Or if that fish has been sitting in your fridge for the better part of a week, even if it smells okay, don’t eat it unless you’re willing to spend the better part of three days in a fetal position in front of the toilet.