Monday, January 30, 2006


I went out for lunch yesterday. Walking back from the place, I passed a guy with a fresh buzz cut and some girl I presume to be his girlfriend coming out of Supercuts. The only part of the conversation they were having that I caught was her complaining about his haircut, apparently it was too short. His response was priceless: "Haircuts are like women, they should be cheap and easy." At which point she started hitting him. Fucking awesome.

Does Steven Segal Need Glasses?

How come in every movie, when he gets angry, Steven Segal suddenly has to squint? It's like when he gets pissed off he suddenly develops nearsightedness because he's pissed off. He should carry around some emergency glasses for his bad eyesight. Then he could go around kicking ass with glasses.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Sam Alito vs. Judge Judy

I was asked today what I thought about the Alito nomnation for US Supreme Court. I say fuck that, we should have Judge Judy on the court. She'd be way more effect. Plus, even if she is a little nutty, she's honest. And she doesn't take shit from anybody. I can just see her slapping around Clarence Thomas for hitting on her.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

North Korean Roller Coasters?

I like Korean food. It's very tasty. But Korean people, they're very tiny. I'm not sure if they have any roller coaster rides in North Korea, probably not, because if they did, nobody would be tall enough to ride it.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Of Mice and Men and America

I don't know how many people have read (or more likely given the education system in the US, watched the movie version of) Of Mice and Men. But I've come to realize that America is almost exactly like Lenny. We're not necessarily malicious, we're just kind of stupid and incredibly dangerous. Plus random chicks want to sleep with us (but this is mostly just for citizenship or to spread VD). We wander around dumb to the world and would be perfectly happy sit and pet a dead bunny but could just as easily crush your fucking skull because we don't know any better. The problem is that we don't have a smart friend named George to keep us in check. Our George is a fucking idiot.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Osama Should Make a Sex Tape

Osama bin Laden and the rest of Al Qaeda are always releasing new tapes. Only thing is that we never get to see the tapes. They only get released to Al Jazeera and they all seem like they follow the same script. "Blah blah blah, Death to America." Now this signals two things. First that Osama needs a new publicist. Because honestly, an office temp should be able to score better distribution than Al Jazeera, I mean really, get your fucking product out there. And second, it says that Osama should do a sex video. Not that I would watch it mind you but, Paris Hilton did a sex video and look how well her career is going. I bet that if Osama bin Laden did a homemade porno flick of him fucking a goat or something, that would get some fucking press. I mean it would be like those Tijuana horse fucking shows, kind of repulsive but the sort of thing that curiosity would drive you to see. At the very least it would show that his writers have evolved over time. The same lines over and over get stale, nobody listens anymore. If he could scream out a "DEATH TO AMERICA!" while delivering a money shot onto the backside of a goat, that would get some attention.

Thursday, January 19, 2006


How come people run their hands across their chins when they're thinking? We run our tummies when eating, why not rub your head when thinking? No, not that head, you sick fucks. Although hey, I suppose that's a possibility too.

Monday, January 16, 2006

God's Child Support

God never paid child support. In fact if you think about it Jesus, the son of God, was really the victim of parental abuse. He had to die because of his father. Zero child support, yet I have to pay child support. How fucked up is that? Worse yet, consider that people in churches all over the planet give money to God and Jesus through tithing and other forms of giving. So, we, who are not omnipotent and/or supernaturally capable of walking on water and curing the sick, are paying child support to God's kid in lieu of child support paid by God. Something here is bass ackwards.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Bird Flu

Does anyone else find it ironic that people in Turkey are dying of the bird flu?

Global conspiracy

I would love for there, one day, to be a worldwide conspiracy of some sort. I just don't think people like each other enough or communicate well enough to organize one. But if it could happen I think that would be awesome. Say you get all the world's manufacturers of catsup together and sit them all down and go, "alright now ladies and gentlemen, it appears we have decided on a day. On Feb. 10, just to fuck with 'em we're going to replace all of the catsup with mustard and all the mustard with maple syrup. Now the only catch appears to be this: does anybody know where the fuck we can get that much maple syrup?" Then on the fateful day the global catsup conspiracy arises and throws the world into a panic.

Conversations With God

So let’s say you decide to talk to God. You put your hands together and start rambling on trying to have a nice conversation, but see God’s shitty at communication. Either that or he just doesn’t like you. Because really, you shouldn’t need to talk to God, he’s God, he should already know what you’re going to say, and if he was going to respond, why waste time? Why not just go “Okay, hold it right there Sam, you can get up, the knees thing was good for olden times, but now it just looks like you’re trying to suck yourself off and it kind of creeps me out. Look I know what Janet did and yeah it blows….literally and figuratively and yeah I already know you want her to contract gonorrhea but it’s just not going to happen today okay. You got preempted by her grandmother that wanted happiness. This is a first come first served deal here man so ain’t nothin’ I can do. So here’s the deal, give it a couple of months, she’ll find out that Puerto Rican guy she cheated on you with in the parking lot of the Pizza Hut gave her crabs and urinary tract infection, that’s the best I can do for you. God….out.”

I mean shit, he’s God, he already knows what you’re going to say before you say it. And it’s almost always requests for shit. Just once I’d like to see God materialize in front of a praying child and go “Sarah, I am the Lord, your God. Honestly now, a pony? Do I look like Santa Claus to you?!?! I mean really. Between Pat Robertson praying for me to slay with wicked liberals with fiery vengeance and the Blue States trying to get me to see how far up Pat Robertson’s ass I can shove a Douglas fir, not to mention the fact that somewhere along the way someone fucked up and somehow Islam get’s the 72 virgins instead of ME, and you’re going to ask me for a pony? C’mon Sarah, at least put some effort into it. I mean at least try here will you! Give it another shot, let’s see what you can come up with. How about “world peace,” that always sits well with the judges?”

I figure, instead of praying and trying to talk to God, which is useless because he would already know what you’re going to say, you should just sit back and wait for God to talk to you. And stop fucking bothering the rest of us that already found our God in the form of 1) Hash 2) Acid 3) Alcohol 4) Food 5) Sex 6) Sex with Alter Boys or 7) Jello (hey, there’s always room for Jello).

Friday, January 06, 2006

Blind Musicians

I have great respect for Ray Charles. Anyone who could seriously try to tell the IRS that he didn't have to pay taxes because he was blind has two huge brass ones hanging. And anyone who could drink a half a mug of gin and a half a mug of coffee has my respect. But I'm curious about other blind musicians. For example, if you've ever seen a Stevie Wonder video, you have to question whether he dresses like that for the effect of the show or because the people working for him don't think they get paid enough. Some of the costumes are just nutty. At least nutty enough for me to believe that Elton John is probably blind too.

Fire Marshal

I'd love to be a Fire Marshal. When you got into a movie theatre, there's the message that says "by order of the fire marshal, smoking is prohibited in this theatre." If I were a Fire Marshal, I'd go around ordering that shit all the time just to start power tripping on people. Every time I passed someone on the street, I'd whip out the badge and go "Hey! By order of the Fire Marshal, smoking is not prohibited on this sidewalk." But then, see I'm the type of person who believes in free speech. Like supposedly you can't yell "Fire!" in a crowded theatre. Fuck that, I say yell "Fire!", yell whatever you like. If you're lucky, when you yell "Fire" there'll be an execution going on nearby and someone will hear you.


I caught part of some Entertainment Tonight type show yesterday and it made me realize that I would hate to be a celebrity. Cameras follow you and you have to be all happy and shit all the time. It would drive me nuts. I think that if I ever got famous (or more like, infamous) I'd get a tattoo of an upraised middle finger on my forehead. That way every time a camera took my picture I'd be flipping off the photographer. Also, they'd have to blur my forehead out on every shot which would be goddamn hilarious. And, I could be making obscene gestures all day and still have two hands free!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Only You Can Prevent Fires

For New Year's I was surprised how many fires there were. Lots of people die each year in fires. Be a friend and pour a bucket of ice water over someone you love. If you're a good friend, she'll have a thin, white t-shirt on.