Thursday, March 30, 2006

One Day, I'll be Old

It just hit me right now that there are little kids, like five year old little kids, that know what the Internet is. They may not understand it completely, but they understand that just like the toy store or the arcade, it's a place you can go to for a bunch of cool shit.

and one day, when I'm old, my kids and their kids will be sitting around and I'll be going, "well when I was your age, we didn't even have the internet. Why, if you wanted porn you went out to the 7-11 and bought a Penthouse. Why by golly, I helped build that there Internet"

and they'll all laugh and say "aw grandpa, you're funny." Then they'll turn around to where I can't hear them or see their mouths to read their lips and they'll whisper to each other "all right, who the fuck was responsible for the old man's meds? He's gone off his fucking rocker again. Goddamn it Julia it was your turn to pick up the pills, now we have to listen to all these old stories about how he used to have to actually code the HTML in some old program called 'notepad'. Way to go Julia, I'm making sure he cuts you out of the will."

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Exercise in Thought

I had someone today ask me what they should major in at uni. They were trying to decide between philosophy or english/economics. From my perspective, I would say that philosophy is a fine exercise in thought. It's a good workout for the brain, but that if you really want to get your head going, study math. Because in the end, it's got it's own esoteric language and when you graduate, I need more engineers and less bullshit artists.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Why Monday Sucks

You know what sucks about monday? You look around and you go "well, damn. I can't get passed out drunk and wake up hung over for another four days."

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Old People Fucking

I was just reading a story about a 70-year old Italian lady and a guy 11 years younger got pulled over for police and cited for drunk driving. When they got caught, they were both naked and presumably getting it on. That's actually one cop I feel sorry for. Not only has he seen the future in all it's ugliness, that image of two old drunk people fucking in a car, that image burns itself onto your retinas for life. But more than that, I'm impressed. When a 70-year old lady has enough libido to get plastered and start fucking in a car that sure beats the early bird special in some Miami retirement community.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Why Japan is so Cool

Americans like Japan in no small part because they get all the cool shit before it comes out here. Want to get a Sony PS3 before your neighbors? Get to know someone in Japan that can ship one to you. Want to get the next generation cell phones like we won't see in the states for another 6 years? Go beat up a Japanese tourist. But essentially, Americans like Japan because the whole country is one giant Radio Shack only with better food and the people at the cash register don't need to know your zip code to sell you batteries.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Why only some kinds of terrorism?

How come you have all these religious terrorists, but you don’t have terrorism based on important things like food. Why isn’t anyone blowing up shitty vineyards for producing overpriced merlot? You don’t see Domino’s getting shot up for crappy pizza or Wang’s House of Lo Mein getting blown up by suicide bombers from the Silver Dragon Restaurant.....On a side note, can you tell I just came back from lunch?

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I hate TSA

I hate the TSA. they make you take your shoes off just to get from the ticket counter to the gate. It's like they're worried that you're going to scratch the jetway or that your feet are dirty or something. For fucks sake, if I had a bomb in my shoe the ten foot difference between the metal detector and the walkway to the gate isn't going to do anything. What if I hid a bomb up my ass to blow up a plane? Would they start doing cavity searches on everyone? Someone should try that. But that's beside the point. The point is that they're a fucing hassle. It's like I'm walking into a Japanese temple. Take off your shoes, walk in a nice line beneath the archway. Bow politely to the chunky girl sitting in front of the TV monitor. Christ people, if you want me to wipe my feet before entering, just ask me, you don't have to go through this whole fake security thing.

I swear to fuck, one of these days I'm going ot walk through the security screening naked. I'd do that now excpet the airport is fucking cold.

I Need to be Dumber...aka..."poke it with a stick"

I've come to the conclusion that I need to be dumber. I'm tired of getting the tech support questions from random former students. Not that I mind all of them. The challenging ones can be interesting but the ones that you can Google an answer for? Seriously, stop wasting my fucking time. If you're too dumb to Google for basic answers you shouldn't be fucking with computers. If you have a problem with a computer your answer should be "poke it with a stick." Because at this point, asking for my help with technical stuff given your mental capacity would probably have just about as much chance of sucess.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Poof, it's a bananna

If you're God and your son is getting nailed to a two big pieces of wood with rusty fucking nails, wouldn't you do something about it. Like when the Romans go to stick the nail through his wrist you just go "Poof! it's a bananna!"