Wednesday, July 29, 2009

thought of the day 2009 08 16 - sesame street

I think I remember Patton Oswalt, or maybe somebody else, making a comment about this but I had some time to think about it today on the way in to work and it astounds me how very easily Sesame Street translates to porn. I mean it's really astounding.

Feel free to add your own.

1. Sesame Street Walkers.
oh yes I did, and yes, it's all downhill from there.

2. The Count is a pimp. Seriously, who else besides a pimp would wear a cape? And tell me you can't totally picture him sitting in a strip club going "one, one set of boobies. ha ha ha ha ha ha. Two, two sets of boobies."

3. Tickle This Elmo

4. Big Bird...oh come on that's just too easy.

5. Snuffleupa...snuffelupegus....You know I watched a lot of Sesame Street. I know how to say it but I seriously have no fucking clue now to spell it. Whatever, Total crack whore. The nose thing with the 'allergies' that's not allergies, that's a breakdown in nasal tissue from snorting coke.

6. Cookie Monster -> Booty Monster. B is for booty, that's good enough for me. B is for booty, that's good enough for me oh booty booty booty starts with B.

7. Ernie and Bert, two guys living together, no source of income. One's always worried about tidiness the other is taking baths with squeaking ducks. If this is not an outright advertisement for gay porn I don't know what is. I can't think of any lesbians on Sesame Street though. Too bad.

8. Grover was a pedophile. I'm not even going to explain this. I don't want to think about it. Watch an episode. He is way too interested in those kids. Much more than a fuzzy blue monster should be.

Monday, July 27, 2009

thought of the day 2009 08 15 - Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Went to see a chick flick, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

1) What the fuck is the appeal of Matthew McConaughey? First off in every movie he sounds like a drunk guy from Mississippi. Second, I'm not sure he can spell Mississippi. But most importantly, I just don't get it. Younger Sean Connery, like James Bond years. I get that. Michael Douglas, I get that. But I just don't get the appeal. It baffles me.

2) Casual sex went out of style at the end of the 60's. It's called an STD douche. 50% of sexually active people will be exposed to HPV which can lead to cervical cancer and cause genital warts. Wear a condom you disease spreading dipshit.

3) Weddings are SUPPOSED to be the place where your douchy older brother hooks up with jealous, slutty bridesmaids who think they'll never find love. THAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF A WEDDING. There is no other purpose...unless there's an open bar.

4) Are we really this far gone from new story lines? You have to turn A Christmas Carol into a chick flick? Seriously!?! SERIOUSLY?!? You take a great story about a guy getting scared shitless and learning to appreciate life and turn it into a craptacular way to make a quick $85M because you can't think of something original to say? Hollywood you fucking bastards you have now OFFICIALLY ruined it for me. I liked the Bill Murray remake, I could tolerate the Muppets, but FUCKING SERIOUSLY! You unoriginal fucks need to be taken up into the cargo hold of a C141 Starlifter and dropped out over the Southern Atlantic without a parachute. You can swim ashore in South Africa and get anally raped by a gang of HIV positive bushmen, you fucks.

thought of the day 2009 08 14 - Fox News

is it just me or does Fox News only hire anchors who's backup career plan involved whatever is on Cinemax at 1 in the morning?

Honestly now, can you tell me that "Jenna Lee" doesn't sound like a porn star name?

thought of the day 2009 08 13 - Weather in Chicago

I think what I'll miss most about Chicago is the weather. While I was there it was always comfortable in the low 70's. I got home and fine minutes in my apartment I was like, fuck this, took a cool shower and went to sleep.

But I'll miss the weather because in the mornings as I got my coffee and sat at the park reading the paper, lots of inappropriately dressed joggers would come by and if you were lucky, you'd get a cool breeze coming in off the lake. It's probably the least I've actually read the paper in some time. And so I will miss the weather...and the cute brunette whose nipples I saw two days in a row.

thought of the day 2009 08 12 - kids

Have you ever noticed how little kids get really really excited by really simple things like toys. When my kid was younger, he was really, really into trains. Like Thomas the Tank Engine. And when he got some new train, he would get so excited he would shake. it's crazy but really, really neat. I mean, hell, at this point the only thing that gets me that excited is sex or maybe 21 year old single malt scotch. Which I suppose is somehow appropriate since scotch is about the only thing that could get a 21 year old to sleep with me, and there would probably be a few seconds of shaking like an epileptic seizure filled with long periods of fiddling with small things.

thought of the day 2009 08 11 - Georges

I've come to realize that most of the significant influences in my life have been Georges. Carlin, Wurzbach, Clinton, even Bush (HW, not W). I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not but it's disconcerting either way.

thought of the day 2009 08 10 - Willis Tower

First off, it's no longer the Sears Tower???? Well, FUCK THAT! Secondly, you have 104 elevators, but only two go up to he observation deck and two go down? What kind of bullshit is that? What genius fucking designer figured that would be a good idea? Oh and I didn't see any fire escape stairs either. Not that I would want to use them. I'm just saying...

thought of the day 2009 08 09 - hand eye coordination

I'm standing in this line in Chicago and a couple of girls are standing in line in front of me. And they start playing those weird hand games where they slap their hands together to some rhyme. Look I can fucking type like a thousand words a minute without looking at the keys. I can program routers and switches by memory. I learned 10-key by touch when I was like 9, but this is fucking ridiculous. These eight year old girls are coordinated enough to learn weird secret cult handshakes. Like the kind the Mormons have.

thought of the day 2009 08 08 - genetics

So I get this call from the ex while I'm in Chicago. We talk, we're on decent terms. Had she not moved, we'd probably still be together, but long distance never works. So we talk and she says something to effect of, she knows I'm not into marriage but she really wanted to have a kid before she hit 30. And the only thing I could think to reply was, OM Fucking G, woman, have you seen me? In the genetic lottery, I'm the "sorry, please try again" ticket. I'm the reason genetic screening is a good idea. If we had kids, they'd be the embryonic equivalent of the chicken mcnugget, round, bland and previously frozen.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

thought of the day 2009 08 07 - endangered food

I'd like to eat an endangered eagle. I think they'd be awesome. The first buffalo wings where you can actually get some meat from a single wing.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

thought of the day 2009 08 06 - Chicago and Africa

I recently went to Chicago for a vacation/conference. Had a wonderful time but I realize that upon reflection of what the hell I actually did in Chicago, my caloric intake for the week is higher than the annual calories of some African nations. That's right third world nations. Plural. SUCK IT! Oh wait :( you can't I already wrapped in bacon, deep fried it and ate it myself, bitches!

thought of the day 2009 08 05 - let this be a lesson to you

There was a kid on a flight I took today from Chicago to Dallas who was reading some illustrated book of the Tortoise and the Hare. You know the fable where the rabbit acts all fucking awesome but in the end the turtle that's just too fucking good to swim ends up beating him because "slow and steady wins the race." That's such bullshit, the moral of the story isn't from the tortoise, it's from the hare. When you act like you know what you're fucking doing, don't get overconfident then pussy out at the last minute. You don't fall asleep on the job.

Nascar drivers. Do you think Nascar drivers go "hm, I'm four laps ahead, I think I'll just pull over here and piss on the side of the racetrack here. NO!!!! The lesson in the story of the tortoise and hare isn't about being patient or consistent. The lesson is STOP BEING FUCKING LAZY .

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

thought of the day 2009 08 04 - Chicago newspapers

The day I got in to Chicago, I bought a paper, just so I had something to read during downtime. But it was depressing. The front page was about somebody admitting to a shooting. The second page had people getting killed. The third page had two stories, one about a lady admitting she shot four people and another about a man getting convicted for murder. After that was Afghanistan and people dying in IED explosions. The killing of a captured soldier from Idaho. The whole fucking thing was just depressing. I was almost afraid to look at the weather page and find out that some cloud went all fucking postal and started shooting the fucking moon or something, or that the humidity went berserk and started drowning all it's kids in a fit of postpartum depression. I wouldn't be surprised if one day even the weather page starts getting violent.

thought of the day 2009 08 03 - aloha shirts

I went walking this morning around Milton Lee Olive Park (next to the Navy Pier) in Chicago, but I was walking around in what is quite possibly the loudest Aloha shirt I own. It's a mix of bright blue and pink, yellow and white flowers. It's quite possible that it could be used as an emergency signal if the aircraft I'm flying in were to crash. Regardless, it also made this cute blond jogger talk to me, so, you know, yay.

I had to explain though that in nature, bugs are usually bright colored for one of two reasons, The first would be to ward of predators. It's a natural evolutionary response to the threat of being eaten by some bird. Second is to attract potential mates, something that's known as "peacocking." Since I don't work for NBC, Usually I war this for the former reason rather than the latter but I'm quite happy that it managed to attract a blond. Sort of like moths to light bulbs.

ooh. Shiny object. It's a nature thing.

thought of the day 2009 08 02 - New Saints

I think the Catholics need another Saint for Travel. Not St. Christopher, but a new one. Specifically one for air travel. This entire area of life needs much more divine attention. Between lost luggage, overbooked connecting flights, crying babies, airport food prices that I think are best described as fucking ridiculous.

The way I figure, there's lots of dead people. Saint one of them. Instead of genuflecting we just return our tray tables and seatbacks to the upright and locked position.

thought of the day 2009 08 01 - Banks

So I was in Chicago for a few days and I keep walking past these ATMs for Fifth Third bank. This has me deeply disturbed. I know bank's can't count, but I figured at least they could be grammatically correct. I could understand Fifth & Third, perhaps if the bank was first established at the intersection of Fifth Ave. and 3'rd St. But to have the FIFTH Third bank means that there were four Third banks before this one and that would just be confusing. I'm almost tempted to open an account just to be able to ask a branch manager if they have better interest rates than the Third Third bank or the Fourth Second Bank.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 31 - I could live in the the summer.

There are a few things about the Midwest that I could get used to. It's a simple place. The four basic food groups are bread, beer, sausage and "fried." There's really only one condiment they have: mayo. And it's one of the few places where ketchup really is "fancy."

But I don't think I could live here in the winter. It's nice now. When I got up this morning and went to get a paper and coffee, I passed by like half a dozen, minimally dressed joggers. It was a wonderful morning. But in winter the joggers would have to wear coats and the fried would get cold too fast...On the other hand, ice cold beer without the ice.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 30 - banking

was talking with the cute teller at the bank the other day and she was complaining a little bit about how boring her job was. I have to admit that I hadn't really thought of it before but I would agree that it probably is pretty boring. Therefore to alleviate the boredom I'm going to start writing in the comments field on all my checks. Something simple like "for sexual services."

Plus it'll let me keep better track of my expenses.

thought of the day 2009 07 29 - modern conveniences

Does it seem to anyone else that modern society just makes more stuff for us to clean up after that makes more work for us to do? When people lived in nature and ran around naked, nobody was waiting for the washing machine to finish. We had more time for things like hunting and gathering and making more tail-less, slightly less hairy monkeys.

When we had dirt floors do you think people had to sweep the floor? When we had stone floors, do you think that people had to vacum the carpet? All we do is make more work for themselves. That's why I plan to sleep in a hammock, in my hut on a small tropical island where I can fish and eat lobsters the size of small children. And wander around naked.

thought of the day 2009 07 28 - Visiting Rome

You know how sometimes you go to a fancy restaurant or a club and they have a coat check? Do you think the Vatican has the equivalent for robes or the fancy hats? I only ask because it seems somewhat inappropriate. What about when they have some kind of conference? Like when the College of Cardinals has to elect a new Pope. When they all meet the night before the Conclave and decide to go to dinner how does the coat check girl tell the difference between all the robes and pointy hats?

I mean if I walk into a Catholic church with my hat on, people think it's rude but some guy walks in with an absurdly large funny hat and that's okay? That doesn't seem fair to me.

thought of the day 2009 07 27 - life lessons

There are certain lessons that a father needs to teach to his son. How to tie a tie. How to ride a bike. How to drive stick. How to perfectly cook a steak. These are necessary life lessons passed from father to son.

Now you may ask, in this modern day and age, why someone would need to learn to drive a manual transmission. Zombies. When the zombies take over you think you're going to be able to get by on automatic? No way. All the mechanics are going to be zombies. They're not going to help you. They're going to try to eat your brain. And when you need to drive that oil tanker into the building full of the undead like something out of a Michael Bay flick, you think that's going to have an automatic transmission in it? Hell no, you need to learn to drive stick and you need to pass that skill onto your children because if you don't, the zombies win.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 26 - Zodiac

Over the past few weeks I've watched all four seasons of the new Battlestar Galactica. One thing I like was the tie in to all the pseudo-Greek mythology, like how Capricorn becomes Caprica and they use the constellations as astral navigation points, etc.

Thing is though, I think the zodiac needs an update. I mean who the fuck has the job "water carrier" these days? No, we need an updated zodiac, something more modern, more appropriate. I suggest a couple of changes:

Gemini, we can keep them as twins but they should be up to date. Like the Barbi twins.

Virgo, I mean a virgin? Really? In this day and age? Even if you're hardcore Republican that probably just means an abstinence pledge and butt sex. This just needs to go. I suggest the condom. It's not a virgin but at least it's safe.

Sagittarius, who fires an arrow these days? How about the Marine sniper? or if you want to keep to more historical roots, go Italian and you can have the Carabinieri. Or perhaps the insurgent with the IED

Cancer I think we can keep as a crab but in homage to what is possibly the most addictive and unexpectedly entertaining reality TV shows, Deadliest Catch, it should be an Alaskan King Crab.

Aquarius, like I said, water carrier = lame. I suggest bartender. Doesn't that sound nice? I mean the guy who brings you beer is way better than the guy who brings you water.

thought of the day 2009 07 25 - history

I think I'd like to go back in time and try to change things around a little. Woodward and Bernstein for example. What if it was Leonard Bernstein instead of Carl? How would the Watergate Papers have been if it was a musical. I'm not sure who would be the Jets, but I can be pretty sure that Nixon's bunch would be the Sharks in the West Side Story version of Watergate. These are things I'd like to see. I think I had too much coffee today.

thought of the day 2009 07 24 - a philosophical question

philosophical question: if one were to party "like" a rock star, would that REQUIRE groupies? I mean I know my physical tolerance couldn't support rock star amounts of cocaine and whiskey but are groupies optional?

See my friends might say that groupies are required. That you need an entourage ready to drop panties on a seconds notice. The best that might be able to do is slightly skewed yoga pants. Doesn't that sort of count? Or is that more along the lines of partying like a bad Yanni cover band?

Monday, July 13, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 23 - tomorrow

I fucking hate liars. Optimists are basically liars. They say things as if they were facts but they aren't facts, which basically makes them liars. For example, "tomorrow is another day." That's bullshit, you don't know that tomorrow is another day. Today, is another day when you compare it to yesterday but you don't know what the hell tomorrow could be. You might wind up in a 15 hour coma so tomorrow isn't another day, it's actually another night. Or aliens might come by this evening and implode the sun. You don't know that tomorrow is another day. Don't fucking lie to me.

thought of the day 2009 07 22 - trampolines

The offspring wanted a trampoline for Christmas last year. I said he already had one but he looked at me confused and I just couldn't bring myself to explain that his mom fit the definition pretty well: kinda slutty and a bunch of people get to bounce up an down on it.

thought of the day 2009 07 21 - tattoos

Friend of mine just got a new tattoo. I don't understand the fascination. I can kind of understand the idea of some tribal patterns if you belong to some Polynesian or other indigenous tribe, but a heart on your ankle? What the fuck for? The way I figure, tattoos are basically just way to pay money to someone to give you pain that you'll regret 40 years later when your skin sags and in the mean time only provides a method positive ID for any witnesses when the cops round up the usual suspects.

thought of the day 2009 07 20 - public restrooms

Was having lunch with the offspring a couple of days ago ad he noticed a sign that says "no public restrooms" and he was complaining that it wasn't true. They have a restroom. So I explained the difference between having a restroom and having a public restroom. Do you think churches could do that? Walk into St. Bob's of The Immaculate Urinal and they have a big sign that says no public restrooms. But then they have really bad noise proofing so you can hear the clergy taking a crap from the pews.

thought of the day 2009 07 19 - ventriloquists

You know you have the one weird uncle or awkward friend who's a ventriloquist and his dummy is always making inappropriate sex jokes? If that puppet was so awesome at sex how come it always has a hand up it's ass and never seems to have a hard on? It seems inappropriate for a miniature wooden man to talk about sex while being anally fisted.

thought of the day 2009 07 18 - the line I really want to use at Starbucks

Somewhere in the back of my mind, every time I walk into a Starbucks I want to say the following:

"Look, brew monkey, I need caffeine. I want a cup of coffee that doesn't suck, so you're going to find me a cup of drip that doesn't taste like Satan's urine, you're going to put two shots of espresso in it, and you're going to hand it to me. And if you even try to explain the difference between large and venti to me again, I swear to fuck, I will drag my exhausted carcass over this counter and throttle you with a sock full of French Roast until you have a fucking concussion. Coffee, now."

Friday, July 10, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 17 - Wookies

Watched Star Wars last night, you know the part where they have Chewie in handcuffs? I was thinking about what you might do to torture a Wookie prisoner. I mean, I imagine that aside from the heat, they could handle Gitmo and some fucking waterboarding no problem. I came up with this as Wookie torture tactic: bikini wax.

thought of the day 2009 07 16 - not gay

Got asked by the Starbucks girl the other day if I was gay. To be clear, I'm not gay. I just make poor choices in women, which just makes me a really horrible at being straight, but still, not gay. I can however, find crazy all over the place so I think I'd make a pretty good lesbian.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 15 - glasses

I wear glasses, which is generally okay except I have to take them off when I swim. What I wonder though is whether I would need to take them off when I become famous and do a stage dive into a crowd of people and just people surf for a while? Do I have to take them off? And if I do, what would I do with them? Could I get a roadie who would just stand there and hold my glasses while I people surf?

thought of the day 2009 07 14 - history

I wonder if the heroes throughout history have thought about the ramifications of their actions. Like the guy who killed the last couple of dragons, did he realize that he was exterminating an endangered species? Can you imagine what would happen if PETA was around when someone killed the last Gryphon? I mean sure it wouldn't be killing people and cows and whatever but PETA would have gone apeshit over the horrible pain it must have suffered when it died.

thought of the day 2009 07 13 - heaven is crowded

If heaven has all the souls of every good person through the history of humanity, I have to imagine it's either completely fucking empty or really really crowded. I suppose you can rule out all the lawyers but if God really does forgive sins then that's a lot of people in one place. Billions, trillions even through the course of history. Even if you're just counting the post-B.C. years, that's a lot of souls to all be hanging around in the same place. Aside from the air pollution, walking around in heaven has got to be like taking a stroll in downtown Beijing with all the crowds milling about.

thought of the day 2009 07 12 - Terrorists

Have you ever noticed how terrorists have no fashion sense? All the crusty robes with a frayed military jacket and an AK over the shoulder. Most of it isn't even camouflage. It's not like it serves a tactical purpose in making it harder for enemies to see you.

If I were a terrorist I'd wear things that would freak out my enemies. Really loud aloha shirts perhaps. Or walk out into the battle with just a speedo just for the tactical advantage of surprise. I figure I could get an extra 15-20 seconds while my enemies did a double take when they see someone coming at them with an automatic rifle and a bananna hammock

thought of the day 2009 07 11 - things not to ask at a wedding

Got a wedding invite recently and I'm kind of interested to know the story behind how they met. It's one of the things I don't know, or at least can't recall. But I feel kind of embarrassed going to the wedding of a good friend and not knowing how he met the bride to be. Almost too embarrassed to ask. But then I figure there's a lot of questions you really shouldn't ask at a wedding?

1. So I have four months in the pool, what spot did you get?
2. white? Is white really the most appropriate color for this chick?
3. Are those the parents or the grandparents?
4. How much did you spend on the wedding present? I made mine. I mean really, what newlywed couple doesn't appreciate a pair of handmade, his/her's ashtrays? They smoke right?
5. Couldn't they just be a normal couple and just elope in Vegas so I didn't have to get dressed up?
6. Considering that these two aren't even going to leave the room, why bother spending the money for a honeymoon on Maui?
7. I know Mark doesn't know how to tie a tie. You think that's a clip-on?
8. Alright, alright, I have to come, I'll come. It's open bar right?

Monday, July 06, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 10 - new boots

What is it about breaking in a new pair of steel toed workboots that makes me want to kick every fucking hippie I see?

thought of the day 2009 07 09 - midwest

Here's the thing about the Midwest. It's full of liars and self important douches. Let me explain. With a name like Midwest, I would expect it to be in the middle of the western part of the country. It isn't. Granted it is West of the Mississippi but if you want the middle of the western part of the country, it's you can't really go east of Colorado.

Though I suppose it's possible that the Midwest gets its name from the idea that it was in the middle of the path people took when going west. But then, an entire section of the country is defined not by its location but by the people moving past it towards somewhere else. And that's what we should all do, pass right on through it to somewhere else.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 08 - water

humans are 2/3 water right? So my entire life I'm like 33% away from drwoning. This is a scary thought to me, but the way I figure, I know how to swim so my chances are a little better.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 07 - science

People don't look to the future enough. 401K's are good and all but they're not guaranteed. Leaving your body to medical research is a nice gesture but really, how is that going to help people way into the future. When I die, I want to leave my body to science fiction. That's really forwarding thinking.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 06 - Utah

Utah just passed a law that makes it legal for bars to allow people who aren't members. Yep, if you're not familiar, Utah required people to fill out an application and become a fee-paying member of a 'club' if they wanted to drink at said 'club' which anywhere else you would call a bar. The idea, which is right upon on par with what I expect most the quality of most ideas from Utah to be, is to increase tourism. You know, slow economy, you want to make sure all the summer beaches and surf in Utah are kept well populated.

So congrats Utah, you suck slightly less now. I can actually go to a bar in your state. Not that it's enough to make me EVER want to visit and even if I did visit the only bar I would EVER go to is the airport bar for the layover I couldn't avoid without paying an extra $666 for my plane ticket. Let's be clear Utah, you suck, but still it's an improvement from the "state we wish we could disown" to "at least we're not Montana" so again, congrats

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 05 - Wal Mart

Does anybody else think that immigration should open branch offices in all Wal-Marts? Just take over the part of the store that's the in-store optometrist and sign up all the illegal employees. Who in their right mind would trust a Wal-Mart optometrist anyway? I don't go to Wal-Mart for dental work, I'm sure as fuck not going for my prescription glasses that prevent me from accidentally running into a parked car.

But I digress. If that had INS...wait it's not INS anymore it's ICE right? If ICE agents have a quota all they have to do is spend one week under cover with the girl scouts selling cookies and bam! They meet quota for like six months.