Monday, April 26, 2010

Scary thought of the day

Scary thought of the day: your future President and Secretary of State in all likelihood have a facebook account. You will, in a few years get to see that he did not inhale and she has been practicing international relations since spring break sophmore year when she flashed that camera in Cabo

Friday, April 23, 2010

Who can make the tough calls?

Can I treat Foot Locker employees like real referees? Like say I'm in the mall arguing about how it's stupid to spend $250 on a meal or $800 on a purse. Is it okay to just duck into a Foot Locker and have any employee in the stripes make the call? What if I let them blow the whistle too? Oh and Andrea you still get 2 min. in the penalty box  

101 Things

101 Things
Because nice even numbers are stupid, the list below is 101 things to do before I die. And guess which of these I've actually done. 

1. Drink scotch that's older than I am

2. Actually get a book published, not just articles
3. Go to Vegas and blow $10,000 in a day

4. Base jump off of a national landmark, the CN tower would also count

5. Learn to fly. With or without a jetpack. I'm good either way

6. Learn to cook pastries

7. Grow, dry and, roast my own coffee (to go with the pastries)

8. Catch the roadrunner just so I know I'm smarter than the coyote 

9. Pay off the US national debt. Then go visit the Peesident and say " you owe me one"   

10. Visit the Gulf Coast side of Costa Rica stay a week then go to Cuba and stay two weeks

11. Learn to speak Hawaiian

12. Noodle for catfish, catch something huge then smack a redneck the face with it to remind him that noodling is the stupidest form of fishing ever and that catfish taste like a combination of mud and ass.

13. Get a building named after me

14. Use my cell phone's "theft deterrent" feature

15. Two hot redheads at the same time

16. See at least three of the Seven Wonders of the world

17. Drink an entire gallon of milk in under an hour

18. Pitch an idea to Bill Gates.

19. Live in Southern California for mire than a year. San Diwgo maybe, and not  have to experience "the big one"

20. Take a flight without having to go through airport security

21. Win an election for public office

22. Get appointed to a different public office

23. Teach my son to drive stick for when the zombies attack

24. Spend a New Years Eve in a foreign country

25. Hook up with someone in a foreign country, English speaking is optional but not preferred 

26. Solve a real murder ala Monk or NCIS

27. Perform stand up not on an open mic night

28. Learn an obscure martial arts form that barely anyone outside of the place it was created have ever heard of

29. Own an island

30. Eat a lobster the size of a small child

31. Get my lockpucking record down from 27 seconds to under 10.

32. Understand what the difference is between a key grip and a grip on a movie set

33. Slap someone in the face with a fish. Perhaps a salmon. Or maybe a catfish. Lake trout? Too many choices. Decide what kind of fish to slap a person in the face with

34. Understand why hot dogs come in packs of 8 but hot dog buns come in packs of 12. It is, I believe, the secret of life. 

35. Answer a telemarketing call like I had just called a suicide hotline

36. Live to see the flying car be a reality

37. Rubbernecking at the scene of a flying car accident

38. Appear on the Daily Show if Jon Stewart is still around or host it if he isn't

39. Learn how to perform a psychic cold reading

40. Alaskan crab fishing. To be clear, I do NOT mean getting a lapdance in Juneau. I'm talking that Deadliest Catch stuff

41. Maintain a saltwater aquarium with at least one shark. Laser beam optional. 

42. Learn to properly splice fiber optic cable

43. Launch a sattelite

44. Pull off a James Bond scale plan to take over the world

45. Slap a priest

46. Meet the Pope

47. Give another keynote or presentation and actually get to use the phrase "Google is my bitch!" in public

48. Raise some weird exotic animal like alpacas or emus

49. Drink the water in a third world country

50. Get good at reading Braille

51. When my service in a restaurant is for shit, punch my waiter in the throat. When they try to kick me out, argue that there's a "No Smoking" sign and I'm not smoking, but the "No Punching Your Shitty Waiter in the Throat" sign isn't there so......

52. Get one of those visor things the Reading Rainbow guy had in Star Trek TNG

53. Spend the entire day in bed with a beautiful woman

54. Play slack key guitar (well)

55. Play ukulele in a metal band

56. Stabilize the HPBX product. By stabilize, I mean you all need to stop bothering me about it. 

57. Order Chinese food entirely in Chinese

58. Be respectful of Apple products without falling victim to the cult of Steve Jobs

59. Own a good Swiss watch

60. Wear an aloha shirt with a tuxedo jacket to a black tie event

61. I want to put "survive cancer" on here, but IT'S CANCER! So maybe just a bad case of the runs? 

62. Kalua a pig. 

63. Uncover the Colonel's secret recipe for KFC. Original recipe

64. Actually make it to the bottom of the stack of books in my "to read" pile

65. Go diving in the Maldives

66. Find the Hidden Valley where they make all that ranch dressing and them politely to just stop already 

67. Write a jingle that gets stuck in your head. Like the Jeopardy! song.

68. Im not a violent person, but should I ever find myself in an armed insurgency, I'd want to be leading a group of militant Hawaiians reclaiming their land and kicking out the US

69. Convince Jessica Alba that she made a horrible mistake not marrying me

70. Judge final round extemp at a national tournament

71. Bring back my thought of the day posting and keep it up for at least two years without interruption

72. Complete a law degree

73. Punch a dolphin

74. Live to see my son be more sucessful than me 

75. Speak at the TED conference. Topic: awesomeness.

76. Invent/create a new word

77. See the turn of another century and get more excited about it this time

78. Visit outer space

79. Bring about virtual reality that's better than real reality

80. Create something useful and funny at the same time. Like a dating website for people who like cheese called Kraft Singles  

81. Break the sound barrier 
82. Bring a snowball to my office so that I finally have a real idea of what a snowball's chance in hell is

83. Actually finish my taxes early for once

84. Run a start-up

85. Mentor someone without completely messing up their life/career

86. Build a time machine, go back and invest in Google

87. Play the"spot the Fed" game at the Black Hat conference

88. Never be afraid to give my honest opinion or tell truth to authority

89. Write my own obituary or at the very least get an obit in The Economist

90. Retrace Douglas Adams' travels from Last Chance to See and see at least one animal that he didn't 

91. Get 50,000 rainbow bumper stickers and put them on every truck I can find in Texas with a gun rack

92. Meet Malcolm Gladwell. I owe that man a drink

93. Sail a ship around the world

94. Do something so awesome I can demand that I never have to pay taxes again. EVER. (and yes I'm stealing this from the movie Armageddon, there is nothing wrong with that)

95. Build a lightsaber. Use it to do household tasks like cut holes in drywall or carve a ham at Christmas

96. Tip someone (in the US) with foreign currency

97. Earn enough miles to fly around the world

98. Try to eat my weight in oysters. Actually doing it would be great, but at least make the attempt

99. Visit at least three of the following: New York, Rome, Leningrad, Helsinki, Papaete, Amsterdam. By visit I mean spend more than just long layover time.
100. Work up the spine to ask out someone I'm actually interested in.              

101. Refer to a midget as a "fun-sized person" and not get my ass kicked                

Monday, April 19, 2010

Puerto Rico gets a quarter?

I make it a habit to look at all the quarters I get. I like to collect the bicentennial quarters with the drummer on the back. Today I got my first quarters for Guam and Puerto Rico. I'm sure they've been out for a while, and I just wasn't paying attention, but why does Puerto Rico get a quarter? It's not a state. I mean Guam, hell, they should get a nickel. Puerto Rico I can kind of understand because they started releasing these quarters while Bush was still in Office and Condaleeza Rice sounds like some kind of Puerto Rican food that comes with free guac, so maybe a dime, but ot a quarter. Such a travesty.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

job values

Plumbers. Electricians. Mechanics. You have to thank them and pay them a bunch of money because they do things that seem like magic. They all have little secrets on how to do the stuff they do. Or in the case of plumbers, the shit they do. But nobody thanks window washers for what they do. it's not a secret. You take a squeegee and it's not that fucking hard to figure out. Pilots were the same way. 20 or 30 years ago, you were a pilot it was like "Wow! you know how to fly a plane! That's amazing!" But then they invented auto-pilot and now nobody fucking cares. You're not that special, do your fucking job. I mean look, if you're a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon, you now only have some of that secret magic, but it's a secret that requires lots of study and skill as well. But some of the other stuff that I get asked to do regularly, like pull cable, that doesn't require anything other than a willingness to potentially electrocute yourself and a pat on the back.


i was watching the news in the hotel after my flight and one of the stories was that there are a number of cities, counties and states considering laws that are considering putting a tax on soda to combat obesity. While is total bullshit. It's a ploy to get money. If you were really interested in combatting obesity, you'd find something else to do. Put a scale in front of the soda machine and your weight determines how much the soda costs. Put a goddamn slingshot in the bottom of the soda machine and make them run after the soda. Or you could combine the two. Put a scale in front of the machine and your weight determines how fast and how far the soda will fly out of the machine and make your fat ass chase after it.

New Goal in Life!

I have a new goal in life. I'm going to get 50,000 rainbow bumper stickers and put them on every truck I can find in Texas with a gun rack. It'll be least until I get shot.

new deffinition of old

I had a kid come up to me a few days ago and he totally redefined "old" for me. Kid comes up to me, and he wasn't that young. I mean like college aged kid. Comes up to me, trying to bum money from me and calls me "uncle." Oh fuck no! I mean first, off you're trying to bum money from me, but calling me "uncle" makes it all the more reasonable for me to yell something like "get a job" and then kick him like he's a hippie and I'm wearing steel toed boots. I mean don't get me wrong. There are a few things that do indicate age. When you don't get carded buying beer, when you have to stop yourself from drinking jager. But calling me "uncle"?!?! Fucker. I WILL END YOU!!!!!!!!!


In a recent conversation I had with a female friend, the topic came up of sex. And how more women these days are open to "no strings attached" sex. Which, personally, I'm all for. 'Cause if I wanted to have sex with strings attached, I'd fuck a puppet.

new medical condition?

I know there's "early onset" diabetes. And in the legal world, there's temporary insanity, but is there such a thing as "temporary onset dyslexia" that would explain why in the hell for the past two days every time I try to spell the word "web" I need to use spell check? Seriously, this is just stupid. How can I forget how to spell "web"???


I'm in Huntsville, AL this week for work. And for what one would think is a pretty decent sized city, there's very little traffic. I guess it's possible that I'm just not catching it at rush hour, but I'm actually not looking forward to going home yet, just because I have to deal with the traffic. I do have a solution though, all you fuckers on the road, need to catch the swine flu. With all of you staying home sick, my commute to work would be awesome.

down economy

I finished my taxes just a couple of days ago. And of course, given the slow economy, my investment portfolio lost money. It wasn't surprising, just annoying. I need to find something else to invest in. Maybe I go back in time and invest in Google. Or maybe I just invest in weed. It's not like the price of weed ever goes down. And when the "big one" hits California, you know there'll be a HUGE weed shortage, so the price will just skyrocket. That's my investment plan: weed.

Lines in movies

I'm not a big fan of porn, but there's one line that I REALLY want to hear in a porn movie.

Man: "Get on your knees!"
Woman: "Why, do you need me to tie your shoes?"

I would be willing to sit through the rest of the stupid dialogue and overacted bad sex just to hear that line. Which I realize is kind of a twisted set of priorities when one is watching porn. I just think it would be way better than the sex.

lost and found

So I was digging around in my medicine cabinet before I had to pack for a trip to Huntsville. And in the back of the medicine cabinet, I found a pack of condoms I bought a while ago, after the last real girlfriend and I split. Judging by number of condoms in the box I was WAAAAY more optimistic about getting laid than I should have been.

size matters

The end of a rather disturbing conversation I had a couple of days ago:

"Of course size matters! Would you rather be raped by a horse or raped by a sumrf?!?!?!"

Friday, April 09, 2010

Exploring my options

I'm thinking about turning gay. Not because I like guys or because it's been a while since I've gotten laid and gay men stereotypically have an easy time finding sex, but because every day at work makes me feel like I'm taking it up the ass.

Sunday, April 04, 2010


How can the Catholics be against gays when the Pope dresses like Liberace? Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the church necessarily, I'm just saying, when you wear a dress like that and you're dangling more bling than Flava Flav, but you're railing about the evils of being gay, you're sending mixed messages.

oh, and one more thing. No more Republicans bashing Bill Clinton. At least the person blowing Clinton was a girl of legal age. Those are my only two requirements for a blowjob and as far as I'm concerned, that makes Bill Clinton better than a bunch of Catholic priests.