Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Stories and Statistics

A story is 22x more memorable than a statistic when trying to convey information or an idea to someone. Which I would tell you to remember for the next time you want to make an impression, except that I'd have to tell you 22x more often than if I just tell you that once upon a time, there a ninja who killed 22 statisticians, each in their own unique way. The first was beheaded, the second was poisoned, the third was strangled, the fourth was squashed with a piano. Number fifth was abandoned on a desert island, while the sixth was drowned. The seventh, and you might be surprised by this: sharks with laser beams, seriously. Number eight sat on an antipersonnel mine meticulously placed under a toilet seat, while the ninth was run over with a truck carrying tanks of helium - surprisingly heavy. The tenth was strapped to a rocket and sent into space, while the eleventh choked to death on a sea urchin. I'm not entirely sure how this was accomplished, but the twelfth was killed with type-2 diabetes and the thirteenth was shot with a bullet made from dry ice so that when the CSI team got there, nothing was left of the projectile. The fourteenth was pelted to death with cases of wine and the fifteenth, hooked up to wires connected to thousands of hamsters on wheels and electrocuted to death. The sixteenth was made to kneel behind an Emu and was kicked to death and the seventeenth was scarified at the mouth of an active volcano because the god that dwells there demands a virgin sacrifice and he was a statistician, which qualifies. The eighteen was held against my girlfriend's feet at night and instantly froze to death like he was a Game of Thrones character who ended up north of the wall. The nineteenth was repeatedly stabbed in the face with a cactus. The twentieth statistician was forced to listen to Coldplay for an hour and committed suicide and the twenty-first, in a nod apropos to the 21'st death, faced a firing squad of 21 Ricky Jay clones each armed with a four-deck shoe of cards taken from the blackjack table at Cesear's. The twenty-second and final statistician nearly escaped death by hiding in the middle of nowhere in the Yukon, but instead met a grizzly fate at the maw of a hungry bear who mistook her for a mermaid that was half-statistician and half-salmon. This unfortunate mistake brought the ninja's kills, directly and indirectly, to twenty-two, which you should remember because a story is 22x more memorable than a statistic when trying to make your point.

Saturday, December 09, 2017


You're looking at it all wrong, the RNC is a great organization. They help recovering child molesters rebuild their lives after getting fired twice from the same job by getting them new employment in the Senate. It's, like, all social justice and shit. You should give them money.


Christmas is that time of year I'd like to see everyone in the Salvation Army get dishonorably discharged.