The full list (updated when I feel like it)

• The greatest trick that Santa ever played was convincing the world he doesn’t exist #AdultSantaFacts
• Even the North Pole has universal health care. They mostly just treat diabetes and gout. #AdultSantaFacts
• Even Santa doesn’t care about pictures of your baby on Facebook. #AdultSantaFacts
• The #1 Christmas movie at the North Pole is Die Hard. #AdultSantaFacts
• Saint Nicholas was excommunicated from the Church because he claimed to have a better beard than Jesus. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s list is 4096-bit RSA encrypted. #AdultSantaFacts
• There used to be 15 flying reindeer until the invention of jet airplanes #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s sleigh has a car seat for a child. It has never been used #AdultSantaFacts
• Breaking Bad was loosely based on the true story of a couple of elves from Santa’s Workshop #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s Workshop is 100% carbon-neutral #AdultSantaFacts
• There’s a wall on the North Pole’s Southern border. Mexico paid for it. #AdultSantaFacts
• Stephen Hawking once tried to explain how Santa could fly around the entire world and visit all those homes in one night. It put him a wheelchair for life. #AdultSantaFacts
• When the polar ice caps melt, Santa will become Aquaman. #AdultSantaFacts
• There was a short-lived NCIS: North Pole TV show. It only lasted seven seasons. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus has a membership at Mar-a-Lago. #AdultSantaFacts
• Even Santa has to remember to clear his browser history. #AdultSantaFacts
• That’s actually an RC Cola, but it’s in a Coke bottle because they gave Santa a better promotional deal on Instagram #AdultSantaFacts
• If you don’t leave out milk and cookies, Santa is perfectly happy to eat your baby. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa is in a Fight Club with the Easter Bunny and Saint Patrick but they don’t talk about it #AdultSantaFacts
• When they get older, children think that they stop believing in Santa Claus. In reality, he stops believing in them. #AdultSantaFacts
• The music in Santa’s Workshop is Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing on an infinite loop. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa isn’t actually lactose-intolerant, but does, on occasion, enjoy a nice glass of soy milk. Just for the variety. #AdultSantaFacts
• North Pole Workshop, sponsored by Monster Energy Drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #AdultSantaFacts
• Mrs. Claus was a founding member of the 90’s group TLC, but left to join the Spice Girls. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa dresses up as himself for Halloween #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa somehow managed to be on both the TSA Precheck list and on the no-fly list at the same time because he failed to file a reindeer flight plan with the FAA. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus was in talks to become Donald Trump’s next White House Chief of Staff but decided it wasn’t in the best interest of his career long-term. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s favorite food is not milk and cookies. It is, in fact, children from the naughty list. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa doesn’t get the little blue ‘verified’ check mark next to his name on Twitter. He gets a candy cane #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s favorite holiday is Diwali, the Hindu festival of lights. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa is allowed to edit his own Wikipedia page #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa does, in fact, know the way to San Jose, but has never been there. #AdultSantaFacts
• After Christmas, Santa takes a short vacation in Santa Barbara and chuckles a lot at the innuendo of “vacation in Santa Barbara” #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s naughty/nice list has the only valid exemption from the European Union’s GDPR. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s sleigh does have rearview mirrors, but objects in them appear at the correct size and distance. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s website runs on Wordpress but has never been hacked. #AdultSantaFacts
• Contrary to popular belief, Rudolph’s red nose had nothing to do with alcohol consumption and everything to do with genetic manipulation by Chinese scientists. #AdultSantaFacts
• “The Night Before Christmas” was actually the story of a botched home invasion / robbery but Olivia Pope does her job well. #AdultSantaFacts
• It’s not called slave labor when they’re elves because elves are only 3/5’s as tall as a person. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa once made a mistake and put a child’s name on the wrong list. Nobody saw the Lindbergh baby alive ever again. #AdultSantaFacts
• It took Santa Claus only 37 minutes to catch all the Pokemon. All of them. He never played it again because he has better things to do. #AdultSantaFacts
• In the 1960’s Santa converted to Islam but didn’t tell anybody because what business is it of yours? #AdultSantaFacts
• You might think the North Pole is covered in snow, but it’s not. The workshop staff are fueled by cocaine. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa has the heart of a child. It’s kept in a place of honor on the mantle above his fireplace. #AdultSantaFacts
• Flying reindeer are pretty tasty. A little gamey but a lot more tender than you might expect. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa once took a vacation to Minnesota but left after one day because it was warmer at the North Pole. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus last took a bath in August of 1945 but that’s only because he was on vacation near Japan at the time. #AdultSantaFacts
• Each Christmas, Santa smuggles a few Guatemalan children across the border in his beard. #AdultSantaFacts
• The 1994 movie The Santa Claus starring Tim Allen has a Rotten Tomatoes rating of 74% fresh but is 100% fake news from Russia. #AdultSantaFacts
• Children in Atlantis don’t get Christmas presents because flying reindeer suck at swimming. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus has both a younger brother and an older sister. Nobody cares. #AdultSantaFacts
• Rudolph’s nose runs on three AA batteries and even Santa gets annoyed that they come in packs of four. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus is the only known being that can verifiably eat only one Lay’s potato chip. #AdultSantaFacts
• A couple of years ago Santa started watching Fox News. #AdultSantaFacts
• The only real magic in Santa Claus is that he hasn’t lost a foot to diabetes. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa knows you really wanted that bike as a child. Tough. What are you gonna do about it? #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa doesn’t actually have to check his list twice, but he does it anyway just in case he has to talk to the FBI #AdultSantaFacts
• Amelia Earhart met Santa once during a test flight of anew sleigh design. Whoops. #AdultSantaFacts
• The largest contributor to climate change is workshop elves farting. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s coat was originally a nice cornflower blue, but then the elves tried to unionize. #AdultSantaFacts
• The real Santa used to visit a different mall each day to meet the kids. But then Medicare stopped covering the cost of his Viagra. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s nice and naughty list are written in the blood of the infidels. #AdultSantaFacts
• Some older pictures of Santa show him smoking a pipe. Because even Santa knows that vaping makes you look like a douche. #AdultSantaFacts
• The GPS in Santa’s sleigh has the voice of the R2-D2 and he understands it just fine. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus still uses a landline. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa uses the only No. 1 pencil in the world to check names off his list. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s favorite pastime is arson. Hence the fascination with chimneys. #AdultSantaFact
• Santa was in a band in high school. He played the triangle and rocked it. Hard. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus makes snowmen from the tears of small children on the naughty list. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa saw Frozen. He remains unimpressed. #AdultSantaFacts
• The North Pole has never had to publicly disclose a data breach. #AdultSantaFacts
• Jesus follows Santa on Twitter and Instagram. #AdultSantaFacts
• Flying reindeer are responsible for 27.4% of all UFO sightings. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa was a founding member of The Roots but Christmas interfered with touring dates. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus was the runner up in last year’s Miss Universe competition based solely on the swimsuit portion. #AdultSantaFacts
• Contrary to some late-night comedians, Santa’s “Ho Ho Ho” is not in any way a reference to prostitution, which is legal at the North Pole anyway. He’s just the biggest fan of the song “Tiny Bubbles.” #AdultSantaFacts
• Babies cry because they know that Santa Claus is going to hold them accountable for their bad behavior. #AdultSantaFacts
• The original design for Santa’s sleigh didn’t fly. But then one time, he got caught in traffic on the 405. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus was responsible for McDonald’s Szechuan sauce because he felt guilty that children in China didn’t get Christmas presents. He’s also responsible for the return of the McRib. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s beard actually covers a tattoo that’s a secret map to buried pirate treasure. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s beard requires 43 elves to maintain and is styled with the tears or orphans. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus was originally just a regular guy named Nick until one day Jesus asked him what he would do for a Klondike bar. #AdultSantaFacts
• The elves in the workshop were the original inspiration behind Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus is the only person allowed to pity Mr. T #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus has firsthand knowledge of what Victoria’s Secret is and why it’s a secret and he’s never going to tell. #AdultSantaFacts
• All of Santa’s reindeer are born housebroken. #AdultSantaFacts
• Last year Santa only got socks for Christmas. And they weren’t from you. He didn’t get anything from you, did he? DID HE?!?!?!?!?!?!?! #AdultSantaFacts
• Grandma was not run over by a reindeer. Body cam footsage shows that she was shot after being stopped by a cop and the reindeer were framed for it. #AdultSantaFacts

motto

new personal motto: Give me liberty or give me cheesecake.

older

 Getting old(er) is starting to suck. I get up in the morning and my back is stiff, my neck is stiff, my knees are stiff, my arms and legs too. Pretty much the only thing that doesn't get stiff is my _____.

Feet. My feet don't get stiff. Mostly I walk a lot of places. My feet are in pretty decent shape. You thought I was going to say penis, right? The only thing that doesn't get stiff anymore is my penis. Come on, an erectile dysfunction joke was pretty hackney like, 15 years ago, when Bob Dole was peddling Viagra. To do that, now?!? I'm better than that. I mean, I may have to get up in the middle of the night to pee, but I'm still better than some hack dick joke.