Monday, December 24, 2007

Santa = Dislexic Satan

If I was dislexic, Christmas would have been utterly horrible as a child. Think about it for a second, S-A-T-A-N, S-A-N-T-A it's like he's not evn trying that hard to hide his name. And come on..Claus as a last name? Isn't that more appropriate as Claws? I mean that's how it's pronounced, someone just forgot one of the curves. So whoever wrote it down is dislexic with poor handwriting, that's not so unbelievable.

And all that shit about "he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good," Every child on the planet has a stalker that's basically omnipotent. That sure sounds like a demonic stalker to me. So I'm not sure if I'm glad that I'm no longer a child or that I'm not dislexic, but either way, Satan is coming down a bunch of fucking chimney's and I've got a razor fucking sharp katana waiting for his fat red ass.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Face of Jesus

So if the face of Jesus or the Virgin Mary keep appearing in all these places I have to wonder why they pick those places and not some others. I mean really how much divine effort does it take to appear in a tree or a grilled cheese sandwich? It can't be that difficult.
What would be a real miracle is to see the face of Jesus appear in a shit stain on a diaper. That would be a miracle. Or if the virgin Mary appeared as a birthmark on a porn star, that would be a miracle. Especially now, around Christmas, you have to wonder why the holy family decides to pop up in things like nacho's. They could be way more miraculous if they just tried. And really isn't that what you want in a divine entity? A little bit of effort.

And if you think about it from the human point of view. I mean you could be eating a sandwich and just happen to look down and notice that you've got a picture of Mary there, but to find something like that in a poopy diaper? Man, you've really got to be looking for it.

Friday, December 07, 2007


I have been on hold with Sprint now for 40 minutes and I'm about 30 seconds from quitting their services altogether. They've been misrouting calls to me since yesterday. 

When I finally get someone on the line my first words will be the following:

"Look you monkey motherfuckers, I've been on hold for longer than it takes to birth a goddamn child. I will come to Bangalore and find the sweatshop you work in, track down your goddamn cubicle and beat you to death with my fucking cellphone you evil douche. Now fix my shit and I swear to all fuck that if you put me back on hold for another 20 seconds I will shove that phone right up your fuckinig ass and rip it the fuck back out through your lower intestine before I club you with it."

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Old Spice Girls

So if the Spice Girls are now in their thirties are they still really able to be called the spice 'girls'? I think at this point Spice Women is more appropriate. I mean yeah, there were the Golden Girls, but they were funny. But still, you're at a place now where I think the moniker 'girls' doesn't really apply unless it's the 'old spice' girls posing for billboard ads for men's shaving cream and deoderant.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The Conversation I Envision With the Cashier at Panera Bread

Cashier: That'll be $45.66

Me: I'm sorry, come again?

C: 45.66

M: Is that in Yen or Pesos?

C: um, dollars?

M: And is that American dollars or Monopoly dollars?  
All I ordered was a couple of bagels and a cookie.

C: Yeah, US cash sir.

M: For some bagels and a cookie?

C: Yes sir.

M: Does this cookie cure cancer? Is it like a $25 dollar ant-cancer cookie? Is that why my bill is so much?

C: No, sir this is Panera bread, these are our normal prices.

M: For some bagels and a cookie? You're shitting me right? I mean, look I only ate half the cookie, what if I give you back the other half, what does that take off my bill?

C: I'm sorry sir, I can't take back half a cookie.

M: Really? 'Cause I can't justify spending fifty bucks on some bagels and a cold chocolate chip cookie. Does "Panera" mean "magical"? Is this magical bread? Is that why it's so fucking expensive? Are these bagels going to give me superhuman powers? Do I get x-ray vision when I eat the cookie?

C: I'm sorry sir, I don't know what to tell you, these are our prices.

M: You can tell me you we're dropped on the head repeatedly as a child and you sometimes confuse the numbers four and one, is what you can tell me.

C: Look, I can put some of these bagels back if that'll help.

M: That depends, what kind of price can you get me for a black market spleen? I might be able to afford to eat here if you can sell my spleen to someone.

C: Funny sir, do you want me to put some of the bagels back?

M: No, just gimme the bagels, I hope you're prepared to get oiled though, 'cause for that price, I'd better get at least a lap dance.

C: Sir that's uncalled for and I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

M: Fine, but I'm keeping the cookie.

C: That'll be $5.38

M: And is that in Yen or Pesos?

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

New Person Smell

So either I'm not really a big "car person" or maybe I'm just generally confused. I get the new car small thing. I do, It's like smelling the leather from a new pair of shoes before you put your feet in them and they turn like sour milk. What I don't really understand is why people don't feel the same about babies. Babies have a very distinct smell. It's like a cross between talcum powder and wipes. It's basically new person smell. Which is much better than old person smell. It's basically new car smell but sometimes more poopy.

CSI Spin offs

All the different spin offs of CSI they have now. CSI New York, CSI Miami, NCIS, all of these shows avoid the south. Miami doesn't really count because it's not really the south, it's like an enclave of non-Rednecks in the middle of Hillbillyville. It's sort of like Austin, Texas. The one city in Texas that is smart enough to act like it isn't. That's Miami. So with Miami not really counting I have to admit, I was kind of surprised that there's hasn't benn another spin-off in the south. It's not like there isn't crime in the south. Cross burnings, methhead tweakers stealing shit, rednecks running themselves over with mud tires. You could write a whole season of stories in a couple of minutes. Then you have to stop and think about it. They'd never be able to solve a crime becuase everyone shares the same DNA. Plus half of them don't even have teeth let alone dental records. I'd be a pretty lame show. But highly amuisng to cast. "So Mr. Nguyen, can you play a Vietnamese shrimp boat captain who gets killed by a dozen skinheads?"

But I do love CSI Miami, David Caruso is a fucking genius. He's like the next Shatner or Hasselhoff. It's so much overdramatized, overacting, I'm a tough guy with a soft chewy center, that it's amazing. Plus he has all the greatest one liners. It's like one of the writers from the Golden Girls decides to switch gears and write parts for middle aged white guys instead of elderly white women. It is an act of pure genius which can only be surpassed by Baywatch era Hasselhoff and/or anything done by Steven Segal.