Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The Conversation I Envision With the Cashier at Panera Bread

Cashier: That'll be $45.66

Me: I'm sorry, come again?

C: 45.66

M: Is that in Yen or Pesos?

C: um, dollars?

M: And is that American dollars or Monopoly dollars?  
All I ordered was a couple of bagels and a cookie.

C: Yeah, US cash sir.

M: For some bagels and a cookie?

C: Yes sir.

M: Does this cookie cure cancer? Is it like a $25 dollar ant-cancer cookie? Is that why my bill is so much?

C: No, sir this is Panera bread, these are our normal prices.

M: For some bagels and a cookie? You're shitting me right? I mean, look I only ate half the cookie, what if I give you back the other half, what does that take off my bill?

C: I'm sorry sir, I can't take back half a cookie.

M: Really? 'Cause I can't justify spending fifty bucks on some bagels and a cold chocolate chip cookie. Does "Panera" mean "magical"? Is this magical bread? Is that why it's so fucking expensive? Are these bagels going to give me superhuman powers? Do I get x-ray vision when I eat the cookie?

C: I'm sorry sir, I don't know what to tell you, these are our prices.

M: You can tell me you we're dropped on the head repeatedly as a child and you sometimes confuse the numbers four and one, is what you can tell me.

C: Look, I can put some of these bagels back if that'll help.

M: That depends, what kind of price can you get me for a black market spleen? I might be able to afford to eat here if you can sell my spleen to someone.

C: Funny sir, do you want me to put some of the bagels back?

M: No, just gimme the bagels, I hope you're prepared to get oiled though, 'cause for that price, I'd better get at least a lap dance.

C: Sir that's uncalled for and I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

M: Fine, but I'm keeping the cookie.

C: That'll be $5.38

M: And is that in Yen or Pesos?


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