Sunday, May 27, 2018


First off, let me just say that the background music playing at Walmart, has a pretty good playlist. I even found myself humming and singing along. So I am officially old.

But more importantly, how fucking difficult is it for you to return your goddamn carts properly? If I left those carts in the entrance to the parking lot where you tried to exit, you’d have a goddamn fit, but I’m forced to deal with a phalanx of like eight goddamn shopping carts blocking the walkway because you’re too fucking lazy to spend thirty fucking seconds to return it properly? Fucking animals. You spent longer than that waiting in the checkout line without resorting to societal fucking anarchy didn’t you? Suddenly we’re outside and you devolve into a Cro-Magnon? “Me no need return cart. Me no believe in order or rules of polite society. Me piss on your shopping cart return.” There is a single justifiable reason I can think of for not returning your shopping cart: if you’re elderly and using a walker, you can do whatever the fuck you want. It can take a while to return a cart when you’re using a walker and when you’re an octogenarian buying a couple of graduation lei or whatever, you just don’t have that kind of time left. You get a pass. But there can’t possibly be that many old people with walkers shopping at a Walmart on a Sunday night. Everybody else, act like a normal fucking adult in normal fucking society and put that shit back correctly.

Lastly, and I say this as someone who has decades of experience working with computers and networks, who’s done network and endpoint security, IDS/IPS and even been party to identity fraud in the past: WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH SWIPING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Seriously, that goddamn card reader beeps more annoyingly than my neighbor’s cat fucking and I am in no demonstrable way ‘safer’. Chip and PIN might be safer, but we don’t have that, so if someone stole my card or I drop my wallet, the card is still just as usable as with the magnetic stripe. Online purchases don’t check the chip either so……what was so bad about swiping that necessitated that stupid little shoplift-alarm sounding goddamn chip reader? Even when I physically have to hand a cashier my card, like in a restaurant they rarely check my ID, even though I have “ASK FOR ID” written in the signature section on the back. Chip reader doesn’t solve that either, This isn’t a safety thing, this is a “my life is too quiet I needed more beeping things in my world” thing. I still have the magnetic stripe on my card, no reason it doesn’t still work, so someone please tell me, what was so goddamn bad about swiping that I needed to adjust the way I was already doing shit for years? Somebody? Anybody?

P.S. Get off my digital lawn.

Saturday, May 05, 2018

Add To Wish List

Amazon thinks I need a Frida Kahlo barbie doll. I think Amazon needs to lay off the weed for the rest of the day.

Tuesday, May 01, 2018

Partial Credit

I used to get partial credit on exams, how come when I buy a bunch of apples and leave them in the fridge I don't get partial credit for being healthy?

Monday, April 30, 2018

Pick Me Up

When I see a picture of a cute baby or two animal friends on social media, I report them for abuse so that I can brighten the day of the Facebook and Twitter content moderators. If you spent all day looking at kiddie porn and nazi handjobs, you'd want a little pick me up too.

Saturday, April 28, 2018


Do whales have nipples? They must right? They're mammals. The blue whale is born tail firt so that it doesn't drown and it gains something like 200 lbs. per day when it's young. But I've never seen a whale with a nursing bra.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Investment Strategies

A face to face meeting between Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump makes me think that perhaps Forever stamps aren't really a sound investment.

Monday, April 16, 2018


It's been said that merely the name "Black Death" could strike fear into the hearts of men, so deadly was that horrible disease. I cannot claim to wield such power. But I do like to think that with my physique I can quite readily strike fear into the hearts of sandwiches.