Friday, June 02, 2017

Tyopgraphical errorrs

https://twitter.com/GoogleTrends/status/869624196921303040/photo/1 Yesterday Google released an infographic showing the commonly misspelled words by state. I get that in the age of auto-correct on every device there really isn't an excuse to fuck up the word "people", but how would Google know that North Carolina isn't just filled with mathematicians and peeple who love trigonometry? Those for whom, the cosine requires no calculator. For whom the tangent is indeed, not tangential, but actually the acute focus of their attention. Those who supplement their daily diet not with vitamins but with radians. How, Google, how would you know? Even God cares about the beauty of mathematics and he who is omnipresent can see all the angles. And in that spirit, as much as I want to wax poetic on how someone could fuck up the word "liar" with DJT in the White House, I'm willing to give them a pass because it's just as likely peeple were asking about how to put out a pants fire in an evil lair. None of that excuses New Mexico though, are you serious? At least some of these other states had the decency to screw up a real work like pneumonia. Note to my kid: if you end up at Arizona State I will fucking disown you.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Aliens

Took my kid to see Alien Covenant last night. Why pick such a dark movie you ask? Donald Trump is President, nothing matters anymore because fiction couldn't be as bad as reality. But some questions arise: they're on a colony ship, so why he hell do they need high powered rifles with laser sights? No wonder they still needed the space marines from Aliens 2, they armed the colonists like they were going to be invading Mosul. And if you're going to have guns on a spaceship shouldn't you invest in some bulletproof glass? For "the Company" to run colonization missions to far flung planets like this, in such a disorganized manner, I bet this Wayland guy who founded the company was Trump's grandchild.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Jokes

WaPo is quoting the Majority Leader as saying “There’s two people I think Putin pays: [California Republican Dana] Rohrabacher and Trump,” and McCarthy has since said that it was a joke. Not that I've really done it professionally, but I don't get the joke. Honest question: what's the joke? I mean that literally, if that was the punchline, what was the joke? Or if that was the joke, what's the punchline? I really don't get it. Jokes are supposed to be funny. What's the funny? I'm not expecting like a ba-dum-bum-cha ! at the end but if this was a joke, someone needs to explain it to me. "why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side." I get that. It's a joke. Not a great one, but it's a joke. A YouTube channel with only Lou Reed videos called LouTube, that's a joke. Alec Baldwin at the small desk in the fake Oval Office, that's a joke. This isn't a joke. At best, it's a rare moment of honest from someone who has since misplaced his fucking backbone. I've been trying for an hour now to imagine how the joke would go and quite frankly there's no "so what's the deal with Russia paying our politicians..." that ends with "ha ha ha" from anybody except for Putin. So someone help me out here, explain the joke.

Autocorrect

Okay, I know typing on my phone sucks but there's a big ducking difference between Cold Stone Creamery and Cold Stone Crematorium. For one thing only one of those can be found in Syria.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Advertising

It's not that I have a very long commute, but I get a lot of my news from podcasts and you know what, they're right. Watching porn in only my underwear while sipping bourbon; everything I can do at the post office I can do at home with Stamps.com

Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Fraud

Turkey bacon is almost as big of a fraud as Donald Trump. Almost.

Hearing

What Trump says: “Everybody gets a pony.”

What I hear: “Please welcome the four horsemen of the apocalypse”

Karma

Let’s say that at the end of your life you did so much good, racked up so much good Karma that at the end of this life you would reach Nirvana. And then on your deathbed a higher power visits you to tell you that you will reach Nirvana. You smile, you flip everybody off and exclaim “ha ha bitches, I win!” and then you die. Do you still get to go to Nirvana or do you get reincarnated as like a banana slug or Eric Trump.

Saturday, May 06, 2017

America Fuck Yeah!

Turns out America proved Marx wrong yet again. It's Oxycontin, not religion, that's the opiate of the masses.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Planning

The first 100 days may not have been a huge success for the Trump White House, but he's got big plans coming. Next up on the agenda: he's going to put Baby in the corner.

Aging

Life expectancy for men is 68 ½ years for men compared to 73 years for women worldwide. In the US, it’s 76 years for men and 81 for women. All of which is to say that women should complain less about what men eat, because the longer we live, the longer you have to deal with us having a lot of free time after retirement and nobody wants to spend that much time talking to an old man.

Radicalism

You know what I would like to see? A radical sect of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I mean we have radical Quakers - they’re called Southern Baptist. But I just like to imagine what the preachings of a radical Jehovah’s Witness would entail. Or how they initiate a grand midwest insurgency and claim territory.

Climate Change

I would normally use the term “tip of the iceberg” except that this Administration doesn’t believe in climate change and seems pretty insistent on taking actions that will hasten global warming and making sure there aren’t any icebergs in the near future. So henceforth I will be using the term “tip of the douchebag”. There seem to be quite a few of those around the White House these days.

Credit

If ISIS takes credit every time some crazy fucker kills people, how come the Catholic Church doesn’t take credit when stupid people have unprotected sex resulting in an unwanted pregnancy?

Shoes

How come horses only get one kind of shoe? Would jumping over shit be more entertaining in some Air Jordans? And wouldn’t racing be better if the horse was wearing some sexy Jimmy Choos?

Liberal Opposition

It’s the disappointing irony of the anti-abortion movement that opposing their view means fewer babies born to liberal parents. So I would support abortion restrictions only with the concurrent acknowledgement that liberals need to do more fucking and outgrow the opposing population.

Performance Art

We’re sure Donald Trump is a real person right? Not just Gary Busey doing performance art?

Letters

The problem with letters “to whom it may concern” is that I’m not really concerned.

Construction

As something of a nerd, I really have to wonder why anyone would live in Metropolis or Gotham City. Every week some asshole blows up a whole city block just to rob a bank. Can you imagine what your insurance rates would be like? It’s just not really a place I can imagine people living in if they had any choice. Then again, I don’t understand why anyone would want to live in Florida or Detroit either. Comic book cities have got to be worse though. I mean if you had to rebuild half the city every couple of months, sure there’d be lots of construction jobs, but you’d stop making the buildings out of brick after a while wouldn’t you? Just start laying paper mache and styrofoam instead of concrete and asphalt. That way when some alien rips a building out by it’s foundation all he’s got is a 100 ft. pinata in the shape of a bank branch office.

Aging Gracefully

I’m lazy, and I don’t like going to the doctor, so if I want to look younger I just hang around old people. It’s also cheaper. Thanks Obamacare.

Gun Control

Guns should only be sold in ugly colors. It’s harder to keep thinking guns are cool if you have to shoot something that’s colored bubble-gum pink with neon orange polka dots. And your drug dealer is less menacing if he’s holding a rainbow shotgun. Unless he’s selling at a pride parade and the shells are filled with confetti...or lube.

Employment

Stealing jobs is not a real thing. Nobody has ever been held at gunpoint and told to just stand there while some other guy does their TPS reports for them. I have never heard of an HR manager being held hostage with a bomb vest over an entry level receptionist gig. At best, you get people who embellish a CV, or put down skills like “fluent in German” that they’re never actually going to be asked to use. That’s misdemeanor fraud of jobs at best, not grand theft occupation. Stealing is like if you’re out with your friends and you leave your job on the counter while you use the bathroom and suddenly that douche in the hoodie, in the corner is typing up your marketing slide deck that’s due on Tuesday. Has that EVER happened? Have you ever just been walking down the street and some guy pulls out a knife and says “give me your job!”? Fuck no. He’ll say “give me your money” but all you have to do is pull out a business card and go “that’s not a job, this is a job!” That’s how it works right?

Aging

The problem with dating as I get older is that 22 year olds seem to stay the same age.

Prayer

Do you think the Pope prays before he flies on an airplane? And if the plane were to crash, do you think it would be because he didn’t pray enough? Or that the global Catholic population didn’t pray enough for him?

Plans Within Plans

Maybe it only seems like it, but trying to get laid is like trying to defeat a villain in a Bond movie, in both there are overly complicated plans, and both involve martinis and henchmen.

Introductions

If I could have a meal with anyone, it would be Emma Stone, Emma Watson, Emma Thompson, George Michael, George Clinton and George Stephanopoulos. Just because I’d like to introduce them to each other… and Oprah, because I think she’d have interesting stories.

Writing

There’s two versions of basically the same sketch that I’ve been trying to write for the past hour. In the first, it’s DJT and Kim Jong Un on the phone like two teenagers but instead of saying “no you hang up first” they’re saying “no, you’re the worst” and it ends with Assad and Putin (in drag) as the parents yelling at them to shut up and hang up the phone. The other version is a rip off of the old Abbott and Costello “Who’s On First” routine but instead using DJT, Putin, Kim, Assad, Erdogan, Mugabe and Maduro, only I can’t find a good rhyme for “Erdogan” to end it.

Efficiency

I came across DVDs for the three Lord of the Ring movies for $1 recently and decided to watch them. It occurs to me after watching the last one that if Gandalf can just fly in on a giant eagle, what's with all the fucking horses and marching and fighting. Take the hobbit, fly over the volcano, drop the ring and be done with it. Orcs are not airborne. That's like nine hours of film that could have been shortened to twenty minute short film. No wonder the elves and whatnot are constantly on the verge of losing, they're horribly inefficient.