thought of the day 2009 11 22 - cat food

So I'm in the supermarket today and I don't own a cat but I walked past the pet food and there's beef flavored cat food. That just seems wrong. It's unnatural. Fish I can understand, chicken I can understand. In theory those are two types of animals that cat could, in theory, kill and eat. But when was the last time you saw Garfield exsanguinate (vocab word bitches!) a cow?

Your goldfish would certainly get devoured but there isn't a fucking house cat in the would be able to eat a cow. No, beef flavored cat food just seems like the makers of Friskies are trying to be charitable to old people. It's their PR and marketing team going, "Look granny, we know you're going to eat it, so we'll at least flavor it so that your Kal Kan Kasserole tastes remotely like you could have possibly made it with hamburger helper.

thought of the day 2009 11 21 - 80's music

I've been listening to 80's music all day and I've to the following three conclusions

1. I miss the synthesizer. I mean damn but Starship could rock the synth. I'm just saying.

2. David Paich (from Toto? Seriously, I'm not that old) just have been tripping acid the entire two decades from the 70's through the 80's. I mean shit, have you listened to the lyrics for Africa?

"I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way,
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say, Hurry boy, It's waiting there for you"

what the hell is that supposed to mean? It's like he took random phrases right out of his ass and just strung them together to a melody.

3. We need MORE COWBELL!!!

thought of the day 2009 11 20 - Cheetos

I had my first Cheetos for the first time in a very long time today. The puffy ones. I prefer the crunchy ones but whatever, they're Cheetos. They're unhealthy, uber tasty and inspiring to boot.

I now have a new goal in life. Next time I have to take a physical, I'm going to eat a whole bag of Cheetos, rub one out then go visit the doctor and freak him the hell out. I think it'll be a nice change of pace, I mean really when was the last time your GP or Internal med guy saw a neon orange cock?

thought of the day 2009 11 19 - God's creatures are tasty

How come biblical creatures associated with God are all tasty but biblical creatures associated with the devil are things you'd only eat if you were really really hungry in a third world country?

Lambs. Damn tasty. Snakes, not so tasty and quite often poisonous. Easter bunnies = rabbit stew = damn tasty. Goats....I'd watch an Afghani fuck one before I ate one.

Does this not seem strange? Like why would God want you to eat his animal representations? If I was a supreme deity I'd make my animal symbols off limits or just damn hard hard to eat, or at the very least, not very tasty. The Indians did it and they have awesome curry. Cows? Sacred. No steak for you! Hindus have elephants, have you ever tried to eat an elephant? I mean, not that I have I'm just saying...I tried to plan this thing once where I'd have a barbecue in the zoo and the logistics involved....mass craziness ensues. So what's with the Christian God and all the tasty symbols. Dammit, now I want lamb chops....

thought of the day 2009 11 18 - Obama

How exactly does "Obama's trying to do too much" make an effective criticism? He's the fucking President, shouldn't he be doing too much? Would you prefer he take a vacation? When he steps out of the oval office for a cigarette, I'm like "hey, you're the fucking President, get your ass back in the White House!" Bush set a new record for the number of vacation days taken by a President. How did that one go? Exactly motherfuckers. Obama's not trying to do to much, unless he's also going to cure cancer and bring us the flying car, he needs to be doing more, not less. Nation of fucking slackers.

thought of the day 2009 11 17 - conductors

You know what I'd like to see, a world famous conductor who accidentally trips. Like he was in a rush to get to the concert and he worse shoes one size too big and in the middle of Concerto Allegro in D minor he stumbles a little bit. Not a bunch; not to where the whole audience would notice, but just enough so that all the people in the orchestra screw up. They're all so fixated on the stupid wand and they're so well trained they're like robots so they see him trip and they all play the wrong note or something. I would love to see that.

Well maybe not all of them because you know there's the one guy who's like the "maverick" in the orchestra and everybody else keeps telling him, "dammit Sebastian, you need to learn to play the game, you need to watch the wand, you're a fine musician but you can't just follow the music as it was written. this is why you're still third chair cello." So there's everybody else who fucks up a note when the maestro trips and then there's Sebastian who was the only one in the entire concert who played it correctly.

Either that or I'd like to see what an orchestra conductor would do at an air guitar contest.

thought of the day 2009 11 16 - Willy Wonka

Doesn't Willy Wonka seem kind of like a guy you'd see on a Dateline "to catch a predator" episode, trying to lure kids with candy? It's creepy right?

thought of the day 2009 11 15 - Sequels never written

1. Suicide
2. Crack Dens for Dummies.
3. If I Did It. Part 2 - getting back your stolen property by OJ Simpson.

thought of the day 2009 11 14 - rocket science

Do you ever wonder, when a bunch of NASA rocket scientists get together to launch for some difficult project, like getting a probe to Mars, they're all sitting around a table working on some impossible problem, there's got to be one asshole in the group who says "c'mon guys, this can't be that hard, it's not goddamn rocket science!!!!" I bet there is. Of course maybe if he's less of an asshole he'll say something like "this isn't brain surgery!" and then he has an aneurysm and has to get brain surgery and he goes in for a visit the doctor and the doctor's like "oh yeah, we do this all the time. I mean, it' not rocket science."

thought of the day 2009 11 13 - History as it was meant to be

How come when we tell stories about notable people it's always like they had some great destiny? Like the first women to get university degrees or the first black man to vote. At the time it wasn't like it was destiny, I'm sure. There may have been a bunch of women sitting around talking about how it's "clear that" the universities should let them take exams and graduate with degrees but it obviously wasn't that clear and it's not like it was preordained. Like, I'm sure there's some guy out there right now who's scheming on a way to punch a dolphin or legalize yak fucking, and that's not destiny, that's just a guy who doesn't like how things are now. If legalized yak fucking is somehow destiny, I think I'll need a lot more scotch.

thought of the day 2009 11 12 - Battle for hearts and minds

Still fighting in Afghanistan and no really decision from Obama on what the short or long term plan is. We're still apparently still deep in the "battle for hearts and minds." Which is fine I guess but it just seems like bad marketing. Doesn't the "Battle for Hearts and Minds" sound like something that happens when Dracula and Frankenstein's monster start fighting over victims?

thought of the day 2009 11 11 - Stonehenge

Discover Channel was running this thing on Stonehenge. Kinda neat, nobody really has an idea of why or how it was built. That's cool. Personally, I like to think that somewhere, back in time, there was this really smart family of architect pigs, and this evil wolf. And the first pig built a strawhenge but the wold blew it down, and the second pig built a woodhenge but the wold blew it down, and then the third pig built a stonehenge and damn if that didn't just do the trick. I have to say, as far as henges go, Stonehenge is pretty fucking neat.

thought of the day 2009 11 10 - African Debt

Had a chance to go through some back issues of the Economist while I sat in the doctor's office and there was this bunch of articles about African debt. How come Africa doesn't just tell the rest of the world to go fuck itself? I mean really, what's the world bank going to do? Repossess Africa? Is there a debt collection agency around that's going to call a tow truck to take a fucking continent? So I think the next time the IMF or World Bank comes calling, they should have a James Bond style villain sitting behind a desk going "Really Mr. Bond? You expect me to pay back this loan. Fuck you." And then push a button that opens a trap door to a tank full of rabid hyenas.

thought of the day 2009 11 09 - best dinner party EVER

Somebody asked me the other day who I would invite to a party. I didn't have a really good answer at the time, but after thinking about it, I would invite the following: Oprah Winfrey, Yoko Ono, Isla Fisher, Uma Thurman and Al Gore. Purely for the introductions. I would love to sit around a table and introduce everyone.

"Oprah, Yoko. Yoko, Oprah."
"Yoko, Isla. Isla, Yoko"
"Emma, Oprah. Oprah, Emma".
"And everybody, this is Al."

And then probably Bill Clinton too, because Bill Clinton is a pimp.

thought of the day 2009 11 08 - right of way

I was walking down the street yesterday and had to move out of the way on the narrow sidewalk because there was a lady pushing a stroller coming up the street. I had to do it again when I passed a guy in a wheelchair. Now I'm kind of wondering, if there's a guy in a wheelchair and a lady pushing a stroller who happen to cross on a narrow sidewalk, who has the right of way? Does the guy in the wheelchair have to scoot off to the side? Or does the lady with the stroller have to turn around and go the other way?

thought of the day 2009 11 07 - Engineers

I'm an engineer, I even have an engineering degree. It was pointed out to me recently that there aren't many women in engineering. This is true. In fact, I can recall when I was at university, there the male to female ratio in engineering classes was pretty dismal. I'm pretty damn sure that for some of the people in there though, the goal for engineering was to figure out a way to make a robot girlfriend. After all, somebody has to be the guy who invents the Austin Powers Fembot. That is the dream....

thought of the day 2009 11 06 - East Africa

Back in July of this year (2009) East Africa got it's first undersea fiber optic cable landed. I only caught this recently but being that I'm in the telecom industry it kind of surprised me. Anyway, what I realize now is that this means the next time I get an email from some Nigerian telling me about how he's got $18 M in a bank and trying to scam me, that email might be from an actual Nigerian. That, to me, is a very nice thought.

thought of the day 2009 11 05 - animal shelters

Okay so there's this stray cat that's been hanging around near my apartment lately picking fights with other cats and now it's gone and woken me up so I'm kind of considering calling animal control and taking it to the shelter.

But it sort of begs the question, how come there's animal control and animal shelters and animal adoption programs but no homeless adoption programs? We kind of have homeless shelters, but they fill up pretty fast. Where's the ad on the bus that says "do you like taking long walks, playing Frisbee and drinking heavily? Perhaps you could adopt Jeremy.