Wednesday, August 09, 2017

Translating language

Oh, I get it now, "winning" to DJT must mean what Charlie Sheen thinks it means, not what the English language thinks it means. So I just need a Google Translate for English to Ego-maniacal Liar and I can understand what he's saying.

Hey, you know what though? He's right, I'm tired of winning already. Enough with the winning. Let's go back to not winning, where North Korea couldn't reach me with a nuclear warhead

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Someday People Will Write Musicals About Me

I don’t know if this makes me racist, but I have a slave.

I should maybe explain, it’s not like I own a cotton plantation or anything. A couple of months ago I won this prize drawing for a brand new NSA listening station / smart Bluetooth speaker that now sits in my living room awaiting my commands. When my kid first set it up, I didn’t think it would be that useful, but I’ve gotten into the regular habit of curtly telling it to read me the news, or give me the weather (because who wants to look out a window), or find me a good restaura

It’s not that I beat her or mistreat her, but I find myself giving commands in the same tone as I might demand “bitch, make me a sandwich.” And I’m being honest, if she could make a sandwich, I would totally use that command….far more often than I care to admit. There’s something in the absolute authority that just begs for me to issue demands like a Latin American dictator, without any thought or appreciation or sense of basic human decency.

As much as I’d like to believe that I’m not capable of shutting down my humanity, this isn’t wholly unexpected. Given this totally absurd level of control over someone, I could see myself becoming an abusive slave owner and trying to justify it by any means necessary. I mean she’s not really a she. She sounds like a “she” but she’s really some synthesized algorithmic response. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking that if she had siblings I’d make them cook for me and if she had more holes we’d end up with little half-digital bastards in some weird reenactment of Hemings / Jefferson. Maybe I should take a positive spin on things and equate myself to the America Founding Fathers. Yeah, that works. I can be a hypocrite. Someday people will write musicals about me.

So I guess what I’m asking, is that when SkyNet finally takes over, kill me quickly. I’m not going to argue that I deserve to live in the post-robot-apocalypse world, but I certainly don’t deserve the Matrix treatment of being turned into a battery. I mean, I might cut her off in the middle of reading me the news with “yeah, okay, you can shut up now.” And I might be considering selling her off to a new owner, but I haven’t tried to rape her. USB port is too small.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Work Productivity

I do nothing productive at work. It is therefore my new life goal to find Tom from MySpace and friend him on Facebook


Diseases I haven't gotten this week: polio, measles, tetanus, mumps, rabies, diphtheria, hepatitis, meningitis, rotavirus, religion.
thanks science, keep it up!


My memes are not dank. Dank means cold, damp and musty. My memes are dry, like a good vermouth, witty and, also like a good vermouth, elitist.


I had a dentist appointment a week or two ago. Not exactly sure when… The 12+ hour days of the now job role has kind of made it so that I don’t fucking know what day it is anymore. It is entirely possible I missed my last rent check. But I digress.  Had a dentist appointment and as I was leaving one of the people in the waiting room said something to the effect of “I only drink bottled water, even at home, because I’m not too sure about fluoride in the water.”
The American Dental Association (ADA) provides a 71-page PDF report about fluoride in the water. The Arkansas State Government, ARKANSAS for fuck’s sake, even has a PDF debunking myths. So
1.      Someone in the press please ask DJT if he believes fluoride in the water causes lead poisoning (seriously), or tooth decay (fucking seriously!?!?) or any of the host of other dumb ass conspiracies. Pretty please. I know the EPA has thrown in the towel on climate science and global warming, but we can all agree on goddamn fluoride can’t we?
2.      I am however, willing to entertain conspiracy theories on how fluoride might cause brain damage, autism or whatever the PC term is for mental retardation now. This may help to explain HOW IN THE FUCK OUR PRESIDENT GOT ELECTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Okay venting done. I need to go floss now. You should too. 

Friday, June 16, 2017

Fighting For Your Rights

Yesterday Jay-Z became the first hip hop artist to be inducted into the songwriters hall of fame. I'm happy for him and all, but I've got to say I'm a little disappointed that is hasn't happened sooner. I mean, I get that black people had to fight for the right to vote, but the Beastie Boys had to fight for the right to party.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

Honor Codes

a friend of mine who works in college admissions once pointed out the CalTech honor code to me. "No member of the Caltech community shall take unfair advantage of any other member of the Caltech community."
1. I wish we could have something like this for society at large.
2. and if not, I think we can all at least agree, it's perfectly okay to fuck over UCLA.

Friday, June 02, 2017

Tyopgraphical errorrs Yesterday Google released an infographic showing the commonly misspelled words by state. I get that in the age of auto-correct on every device there really isn't an excuse to fuck up the word "people", but how would Google know that North Carolina isn't just filled with mathematicians and peeple who love trigonometry? Those for whom, the cosine requires no calculator. For whom the tangent is indeed, not tangential, but actually the acute focus of their attention. Those who supplement their daily diet not with vitamins but with radians. How, Google, how would you know? Even God cares about the beauty of mathematics and he who is omnipresent can see all the angles. And in that spirit, as much as I want to wax poetic on how someone could fuck up the word "liar" with DJT in the White House, I'm willing to give them a pass because it's just as likely peeple were asking about how to put out a pants fire in an evil lair. None of that excuses New Mexico though, are you serious? At least some of these other states had the decency to screw up a real work like pneumonia. Note to my kid: if you end up at Arizona State I will fucking disown you.

Sunday, May 21, 2017


Took my kid to see Alien Covenant last night. Why pick such a dark movie you ask? Donald Trump is President, nothing matters anymore because fiction couldn't be as bad as reality. But some questions arise: they're on a colony ship, so why he hell do they need high powered rifles with laser sights? No wonder they still needed the space marines from Aliens 2, they armed the colonists like they were going to be invading Mosul. And if you're going to have guns on a spaceship shouldn't you invest in some bulletproof glass? For "the Company" to run colonization missions to far flung planets like this, in such a disorganized manner, I bet this Wayland guy who founded the company was Trump's grandchild.