Friday, March 16, 2018


A couple of weeks ago I was sorting through stuff to make a donation to Goodwill and came across an old DVD of the first Blade movie, which I finally got around to popping into a DVD player the other day. How come the vampire movies have so much blood and gore? Vampires drink blood right? That one scene in the warehouse, that's like me deciding to take a shower in clam chowder (insert your own Manhattan clam chowder joke here, you know, because it's the red one, ha...ha...ha...) This makes no sense. I thought vampires were supposed to be all romantic and shit. They're such messy eaters. Nobody watches a toddler throw strained carrots around a table and goes "whoa, that's hot!" unless they're a Catholic priest. You can't walk around in a white shirt with such bad table manners. And it's not like any of them do their own laundry. I simply cannot buy into the premise of a monster that has this little respect tor table manners or dry cleaning.

March Madness

[ ]  These are my brackets. Please stop asking.

Tuesday, March 06, 2018


The chief White House economic advisor resigns, Conway violated the law at least twice (No, I'm not going to start chanting "lock her up" even though I should) and our President is being sued by a porn star. Any other White House this would be a "WTF just happened?!?" day, but now, it's just Tuesday. Wait, it is Tuesday right? I've been losing track of time......

Thursday, March 01, 2018


I know DJT is busy brining back coal and steel and whatever but can he bring back VHS? I recently found this box of old tapes and I kind of want to watch them. There's a copy of Armageddon, the Bruce Willis asteroid flick from the 90's, in here somewhere and I haven't heard that goddamn song in a while. Plus there's a couple in here without labels and I think they might be porn.

Monday, February 19, 2018

Inappropriate Thoughts and Prayers

1. Alyssa Alhadeff, 14
2. Scott Beigel, 35
3. Martin Duque Anguiano, 14
4. Nicholas Dworet, 17
5. Aaron Feis, 37
6. Jaime Guttenberg, 14
7. Chris Hixon, 49
8. Luke Hoyer, 15
9. Cara Loughran, 14
10. Gina Montalto, 14
11. Joaquin Oliver, 17
12. Alaina Petty, 14
13. Meadow Pollack, 18
14. Helena Ramsay, 17
15. Alex Schachter, 14
16. Carmen Schentrup, 16
17. Peter Wang, 15

There’s a perverse happiness I feel in kids dying; in that the optimistic part of my brain likes to believe this would motivate sensible changes. Of course that part of my brain is atrophied from over a year with Trump in the White House, so instead, I’m just going to say inappropriate things. I like that the high school kids are getting a little activist. I don’t think it’ll move the needle much, it barely changes the conversation, but I like that the kids are engaging with something other than Snapchat and Instagram. I’d be happy to be proven wrong, I just don’t see this making much of a difference. Until it does, I’m just going to do my normal thing of making inappropriate remarks. Like, do you think Donald Trump actually prayed for those kids? I know he thought about it. It was on Fox News, so clearly he thought about it, but it’s supposed to be “thoughts and prayers” and I don’t think he actually prayed for them. I get half-assing diplomacy with North Korea when you can’t even get an Ambassador in South Korea. I get half-assing the Rob Porter thing, John Kelly has job security. He’s the only one keeping a modicum of professionalism there. He could whip is dick out during a press conference and the only comment back would be “well, I’d like to know who his replacement would be before I decide whether he needs to leave.” I get half-assing Afghanistan. We’ve been doing it for 16+ years now. At this point, fucking up in Afghanistan is like an American tradition and I’m all for tradition. But I don’t understand fucking up “thoughts and prayers” when it only takes a couple of minutes and costs you nothing. I’m willing to bet a monetary donation to the NRA that our President can’t provide reasonably convincing proof of actually praying for those kids, or their families. On a somewhat related note, this is one of the few times I’m happy to be racially underrepresented statistically but I did notice that CNN listed the Asian kid last. I know if it would be better to be at the top of the list, but I get the sense that being listed last on the list is somehow worse.

President's Day 2018....Oh goddammit it's only 2018? We've still got nearly three years left.

Please take this holiday to reflect on how improved our lives, our nation and our world would be if President Trump had followed the example set by the notable President William Henry Harrison.

Spellcheck and Insomia

It's 4 AM, our President is probably off somewhere in a Twitter storm about how kids shooting kids is because of Russia which is all Hillary and Obama's fault anyway, and I can't fall asleep. Instead, I am left to ponder, why, in the multitude of press coverage I remember seeing for the Disney movie Moana I don't recall anyone, anywhere, trying to get The Rock to sing along to Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's Maui (Hawaiian Supa Man). Is this because, like the 90's movie Shazaam starring Sinbad as a genie who takes care of kids, it didn't happen, or is this because my insomnia addled brain, lacks to necessary capacity to remember it; or to type correctly apparently. Thanks spellcheck. You've now done more for me than our President. Dammit lesbian porn, you were supposed to help me go back to sleep. What a failure. You're fired! Oh who am I kidding, I couldn't fire you lesbian porn.

Sunday, February 18, 2018


Justin Bieber has a "greatest hits" album. That it has more than one song surprises me. That I don't recognize any of the songs I find to be personally redeeming.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018


My kid's birthday was today. We ended up having a decent dinner, then I showed him the 1981 / 2015 movie Roar because I’m a horrible parent. Dinner was pretty good, steak needed a little more salt, and we ended up with a birthday pie, because I don’t believe in cake. I mean, I believe it’s a thing that exists, but I don’t think it’s necessarily the requirement of birthday desserts. I grant you, there are cupcakes but no cup-pies (though tarts come close) and there are Boston Cream Pies which are really cakes with cream filling because people from Boston are wicked retarded. But there’s also pot pie and no pot cake. Well, okay, there are pot cakes, but only in a few states like Colorado and California and he still needs to wait a little while on those, so we had a birthday apple pie with a small amount of candle wax because I’m slow in lighting candles. What was I saying, oh yeah, happy birthday kid, go screw yourself cake.

tangential to my believing that birthday pie is a superior dessert, we had a conversation about the Bill of Rights because he's in some PoliSci class that also gives you dual credit for college for watching the movie version of 1984, which somebody needs to explain to me how that's worth college credit. Anyway, he got like 4 1/2 out of the 10 (I count it as half because he flipped the fourth and fifth amendments (privacy vs self incrimination) and BTW he's taken like a semester of American Law so how the fuck do you mix those two up? I mean really? Also somehow he misconstrued the word "militia" in the 2nd Amendment to mean that you have the right to form a militia, which I am kind of in support of under this particular administration but is kind of beside the point. I swear to Dog, this fucking generation.... Donald Trump is our present, the children our our future, I need to invent time travel and go back to the mid 90's. At least government was reasonably competent, despite the rising partisanship. What was I saying? oh, yeah, so not even getting to the rest of the Constitution or anything, just the first 10A. I've changed my mind. We need voting restrictions and candidate minimum eligibility requirements. If you can't pass the test we give to immigrants you don't get to run for office. If you think the Bill of Rights is a guy named Bill with a bad turn signal, you don't get to vote. Okay, I'm done now, oh look, its Bushmills. Hello Bushmills. Goodnight Internet.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

The Future

Sometimes I wonder if sentient robots will kill us all before interplanetary conquers with faster-than-light starships invade our planet and enslave us all. Then I remember that Trump is still President and I don't to worry because we’ll never get that far.