Monday, February 19, 2018

Inappropriate Thoughts and Prayers

1. Alyssa Alhadeff, 14
2. Scott Beigel, 35
3. Martin Duque Anguiano, 14
4. Nicholas Dworet, 17
5. Aaron Feis, 37
6. Jaime Guttenberg, 14
7. Chris Hixon, 49
8. Luke Hoyer, 15
9. Cara Loughran, 14
10. Gina Montalto, 14
11. Joaquin Oliver, 17
12. Alaina Petty, 14
13. Meadow Pollack, 18
14. Helena Ramsay, 17
15. Alex Schachter, 14
16. Carmen Schentrup, 16
17. Peter Wang, 15

There’s a perverse happiness I feel in kids dying; in that the optimistic part of my brain likes to believe this would motivate sensible changes. Of course that part of my brain is atrophied from over a year with Trump in the White House, so instead, I’m just going to say inappropriate things. I like that the high school kids are getting a little activist. I don’t think it’ll move the needle much, it barely changes the conversation, but I like that the kids are engaging with something other than Snapchat and Instagram. I’d be happy to be proven wrong, I just don’t see this making much of a difference. Until it does, I’m just going to do my normal thing of making inappropriate remarks. Like, do you think Donald Trump actually prayed for those kids? I know he thought about it. It was on Fox News, so clearly he thought about it, but it’s supposed to be “thoughts and prayers” and I don’t think he actually prayed for them. I get half-assing diplomacy with North Korea when you can’t even get an Ambassador in South Korea. I get half-assing the Rob Porter thing, John Kelly has job security. He’s the only one keeping a modicum of professionalism there. He could whip is dick out during a press conference and the only comment back would be “well, I’d like to know who his replacement would be before I decide whether he needs to leave.” I get half-assing Afghanistan. We’ve been doing it for 16+ years now. At this point, fucking up in Afghanistan is like an American tradition and I’m all for tradition. But I don’t understand fucking up “thoughts and prayers” when it only takes a couple of minutes and costs you nothing. I’m willing to bet a monetary donation to the NRA that our President can’t provide reasonably convincing proof of actually praying for those kids, or their families. On a somewhat related note, this is one of the few times I’m happy to be racially underrepresented statistically but I did notice that CNN listed the Asian kid last. I know if it would be better to be at the top of the list, but I get the sense that being listed last on the list is somehow worse.

President's Day 2018....Oh goddammit it's only 2018? We've still got nearly three years left.

Please take this holiday to reflect on how improved our lives, our nation and our world would be if President Trump had followed the example set by the notable President William Henry Harrison.

Spellcheck and Insomia

It's 4 AM, our President is probably off somewhere in a Twitter storm about how kids shooting kids is because of Russia which is all Hillary and Obama's fault anyway, and I can't fall asleep. Instead, I am left to ponder, why, in the multitude of press coverage I remember seeing for the Disney movie Moana I don't recall anyone, anywhere, trying to get The Rock to sing along to Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's Maui (Hawaiian Supa Man). Is this because, like the 90's movie Shazaam starring Sinbad as a genie who takes care of kids, it didn't happen, or is this because my insomnia addled brain, lacks to necessary capacity to remember it; or to type correctly apparently. Thanks spellcheck. You've now done more for me than our President. Dammit lesbian porn, you were supposed to help me go back to sleep. What a failure. You're fired! Oh who am I kidding, I couldn't fire you lesbian porn.

Sunday, February 18, 2018


Justin Bieber has a "greatest hits" album. That it has more than one song surprises me. That I don't recognize any of the songs I find to be personally redeeming.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018


My kid's birthday was today. We ended up having a decent dinner, then I showed him the 1981 / 2015 movie Roar because I’m a horrible parent. Dinner was pretty good, steak needed a little more salt, and we ended up with a birthday pie, because I don’t believe in cake. I mean, I believe it’s a thing that exists, but I don’t think it’s necessarily the requirement of birthday desserts. I grant you, there are cupcakes but no cup-pies (though tarts come close) and there are Boston Cream Pies which are really cakes with cream filling because people from Boston are wicked retarded. But there’s also pot pie and no pot cake. Well, okay, there are pot cakes, but only in a few states like Colorado and California and he still needs to wait a little while on those, so we had a birthday apple pie with a small amount of candle wax because I’m slow in lighting candles. What was I saying, oh yeah, happy birthday kid, go screw yourself cake.

tangential to my believing that birthday pie is a superior dessert, we had a conversation about the Bill of Rights because he's in some PoliSci class that also gives you dual credit for college for watching the movie version of 1984, which somebody needs to explain to me how that's worth college credit. Anyway, he got like 4 1/2 out of the 10 (I count it as half because he flipped the fourth and fifth amendments (privacy vs self incrimination) and BTW he's taken like a semester of American Law so how the fuck do you mix those two up? I mean really? Also somehow he misconstrued the word "militia" in the 2nd Amendment to mean that you have the right to form a militia, which I am kind of in support of under this particular administration but is kind of beside the point. I swear to Dog, this fucking generation.... Donald Trump is our present, the children our our future, I need to invent time travel and go back to the mid 90's. At least government was reasonably competent, despite the rising partisanship. What was I saying? oh, yeah, so not even getting to the rest of the Constitution or anything, just the first 10A. I've changed my mind. We need voting restrictions and candidate minimum eligibility requirements. If you can't pass the test we give to immigrants you don't get to run for office. If you think the Bill of Rights is a guy named Bill with a bad turn signal, you don't get to vote. Okay, I'm done now, oh look, its Bushmills. Hello Bushmills. Goodnight Internet.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

The Future

Sometimes I wonder if sentient robots will kill us all before interplanetary conquers with faster-than-light starships invade our planet and enslave us all. Then I remember that Trump is still President and I don't to worry because we’ll never get that far.

Monday, January 22, 2018

First Commandment

I keep getting these fucking Amazon ads for relationship advice for Christian couples. All this shit about how "big data" knows everything about me. Goddamit Amazon 1) I'm not in a relationship, 2) My tolerance for churches and organized religions is pretty slim already and most importantly 3) I don't believe a book can tell you how to run a relationship. Ruin maybe, but not run. Handbooks for relationships are a dumb idea unless the title is "fucking communicate already", but that's sort of beside the point here because I thought the basic idea behind Christian couples is that they already have a relationship handbook. I mean, it's kind of an 'everything' handbook isn't it? Some of those old school guys had like a dozen wives, there must have been some advice in there with all that begatting that had begotten. You need a different book now? Seems like that might violate the First Commandment or something.
Aw fuck, you know what, I should have said "Old Testament" instead of "old school" that's what I meant to say.


I heard this story once from a lady who found out the guy she was dating had been cheating on her. So she went into his closet, filled with expensive suits, and cut off just the left leg from each of his suits. I think this helps me understand women's fashion more. I mean for a while, I thought it was a pa equity thing. Like a "we only make 78% so we can't afford shoulders on my top." But this seems like a more realistic explanation.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Civic Responsibility

I'm pretty sure Gary wants to steal my boyfriend now.

Maybe I should explain, see I came back from a trip recently and had to change the ceiling light bulb in my bathroom for the first time in....ever, I think. Anyway, it got me started on replacing some old stuff in there so I was headed into the store to get a new bathmat this morning (okay, actually this was yesterday, but the story works better if it was today, so just, you know, go with me on this, okay?); so I I'm headed into the store to get a new bathmat when I see that there's some guy with a clipboard stopping the odd passerby. Now I’m not sure exactly what his criteria are for who to stop, but I don’t really care and I’ve got Meet the Press playing in my earbuds so I’m hoping the “don’t bother me” vibe is enough to exempt me from his survey or petition or save-the-whatever signup sheet. Apparently not.

As I head towards the door, he stops me, says something and for whatever reason, lack of proper morning caffeine intake is my excuse, I half lean in and he repeats his line, “do you have a minute for gay rights?” To be fair, I do have a minute. I’ve got several. I have no job, nobody’s alerting me to an imaginary ballistic missile and if I step into a church on the Sabbath there’s a good chance I would catch on fire, so do I have a minute? Sure, but let’s be honest, the Supreme Court already handed down their verdict in Obergefell, I have no further sense of responsibility here. You’re not asking me for a wedding cake so I have about as many minutes for Gary as I do for saving the endangered Chinese river dolphins or searching out the “ghost orchid” (interesting fact, the ghost orchid doesn’t have any chlorophyll, it’s a parasite that feeds off of fungus but it is an orchid and it looks pretty cool. Google that shit).

I realize that my isn’t the fault of this kid and I really shouldn’t be taking it out on him, but anything before my first cup of coffee is too early for me to be dealing with this, so I’ve got to come up with some easy way out of this. In what I can only explain and divine inspiration or the prodct of way too many hours watching British comedy, it took me half a second to respond with “I’m sorry man, my boyfriend has a nine inch cock and I barely have time to go in here for provisions” as I did a quarter turn and walked right past him through the automatic doors. But it worked, Gary didn’t say a word, though the look he gave me suggests he very badly wants to steal my imaginary boyfriend now.

Resale Value

It costs something in the ballpark of $200,000 to raise a kid to the age of 18 these days and mine is going to be missing basically an entire week of school which is basically his only job. That means I can sell him and get my money back, right? I mean he's kind of out of warranty at this point so it's not like I can get a refund, but I'm sure I can get a decent price on Craigslist. I'm a great negotiator. Better than the President even.

Friday, January 12, 2018


Have I heard the song Despacito? Sure.
Do I know who sings it? Nope.
Do I understand what they're saying? Maybe like three words that I think I recogize from the Spanish I picked up from TV and movies and a few more I can guess from the Latin roots. 
Do I like it? Sure, it may not say much, but it's better than Coldplay. 
Why do I like it? See, now that's the tricky one because anything I say at this point is going to sound racist.