Monday, November 05, 2018


What I really want is some damn consistency. All year long you tell your kids not to take candy from strangers. Then for no reason other than the date you encourage it. Where's the adherence to standards and norms?

Baby Arugula

Last week I bought a giant thing of salad because it was $5 at Safeway and its more salad that I’ll eat in a week. Incidentally, it’s organic salad in a giant plastic bin, which seems kind of counterproductive because a giant plastic bin is not only non-organic, I’m not even sure it’s recyclable. So while you’re busy eating organic greens you toss more non-biodegradable plastic onto the planet and take up space that can no longer be used to grow organic greens. On the plus side, some of that plastic will end up in the ocean and kill a turtle or something. Why are you going to try and sell me on some hippie organic shit and then put it in a giant plastic tub? These people make no sense.
I’m getting off track here.
Okay, so I bought a salad, only they didn’t have the one I normally get, that's like an actual salad mix, so I just grabbed one without really looking at it and it turns out I bought a giant plastic tub of only organic baby arugula. Which I’m pretty sure is actually one of the alien species from Star Wars and not actually a vegetable. It’s not that I dislike arugula per se, but it’s not something I’d like to eat 15 handfuls of. I mean even cocaine dealers cut their product a little. You can’t toss in some baby spinach or lettuce or something? Whoever is marketing this is trying to get all Pablo Escobar on my salad and I don’t particularly appreciate it.
Okay wait, I’m getting off track again.
So I bought a giant tub of baby arugula and as it turns out, the day before, someone had sent me the link to that stupid “Baby Shark” song that makes no sense because 1 – Sharks don’t have the same family structures as people, B – you don’t ‘run' away from a shark unless you’re in a Sharknado or you’re a fucking idiot; you swim away and then get eaten. Learn your fucking verbs. And, 3 – If I have to hear that song again Imma cut a bitch. But that song made me think about the “Baby Beluga” song. Subsequently, since I bought a giant tub of baby arugula, I have had “baby arugula” stuck in my head to the tune of “baby beluga” but with intermittent “doo doo doo doo doo doo doo” from the stupid baby shark song. This was like 3-4 days ago and it’s still in my head. Suicide is very much an option at the moment.
All of which is to say I learned that I’m not nearly as clever as I thought I was and I’m like, twice as old as I feel.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018


I want a Halloween candy that's made with peanuts, gluten and pollen and has no allergen warnings.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Personal Views

I don't dislike Ed Sheeran as much as I probably should.

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Infinite loop

I need help. I'm stuck in an infinite loop. I bought a bag of tortilla chips a while back because they were on sale. And then part of the way through that bag, I thought "hey, this would be better with salsa." So I bought salsa. Then I finished the chips but still had some salsa. So I bought more chips, but then I ran out of salsa and still had chips, so I bought more salsa. So I bought more chips, and more salsa, and more chips and more salsa. And so on it goes. I'm pretty sure this is the sixth level of hell. Trump is still President right? Yep. Sixth level of hell. The infinite salsa loop.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018


The annoying thing about Halloween is that all the stuff on TV is horror movies. I don't need a fucking horror movie, Trump is President and I have CNN.


Some fanfare was made last week after Kanye's visit to the White House. Upon reflection, I still don't give half a shit about Kanye.

But please tell me that when he said that a hat made him feel like Superman, that somebody reminded him that technically, Superman was an undocumented alien, here illegally, who didn't ask for refugee status in accordance with international law and stole a lawful American reporter's job. A job in print media that the President can't read and doesn't like. One which pays a decent wage and probably has healthcare benefits which Superman wouldn't need. Unless he came across Kryptonite, which would be considered a pre-existing condition and wouldn't be covered by any of the GOP plans to repeal the ACA.

If his ship arrived today, Trump Administration policies would have separated him from the Kents, made him sign away legal rights despite not being of legal age and probably would have tried to have him deported.

In any event, Superman operates without any legal warrants, doesn't appear to show up to testify in any criminal or civil trials and has caused significant damage to public infrastructure without any taking of personal responsibility or facing any real consequence. I guess technically Clark Kent pays taxes, which is more than we can say for Jared Kushner. Aside from having taxes withheld, he's actually kind of the perfect example for this White House - do what I say or I'll punch you; you need to follow the law, but I'll do what the fuck I want; blow a bunch of shit up and take zero personal responsibility for it. That's pretty Trump.

Somebody pointed all of this out to Kanye, right?

Monday, October 15, 2018


Just woke up from a weird dream about finding some random person's wallet, so if you've just lost your wallet in a dream, I may imaginary have it.

Sunday, October 14, 2018


We need new words. The coverage of the storm aftermath in Florida over the past couple days I've heard at least four people describe the damage as "unimaginable." One of those was Gov. Rick Scott.

IT'S A FUCKING HURRICANE. You can't imagine the damage of 14 ft. storm surge and 150+ mph wind?

Plus, it's Florida. In the past couple of weeks a woman tried to bring an 'emotional support squirrel' onto a flight in Orlando, a guy stole $1M in cable service from Time Warner (which, I had Time Warner, their service was shit, so I CAN'T IMAGINE what $1M of shit service looks like), another guy used a pinterest template to print counterfeit money on a library computer and then posted an ad to sell it on Facebook, and a gas station microwave required a sign reminding customers not to use the appliance to warm urine. But damage from a storm is "unimaginable"?!?!?!

We need new words. Or maybe just people with better imaginations than Rick Scott.