thought of the day 2009 11 14 - rocket science

Do you ever wonder, when a bunch of NASA rocket scientists get together to launch for some difficult project, like getting a probe to Mars, they're all sitting around a table working on some impossible problem, there's got to be one asshole in the group who says "c'mon guys, this can't be that hard, it's not goddamn rocket science!!!!" I bet there is. Of course maybe if he's less of an asshole he'll say something like "this isn't brain surgery!" and then he has an aneurysm and has to get brain surgery and he goes in for a visit the doctor and the doctor's like "oh yeah, we do this all the time. I mean, it' not rocket science."

thought of the day 2009 11 13 - History as it was meant to be

How come when we tell stories about notable people it's always like they had some great destiny? Like the first women to get university degrees or the first black man to vote. At the time it wasn't like it was destiny, I'm sure. There may have been a bunch of women sitting around talking about how it's "clear that" the universities should let them take exams and graduate with degrees but it obviously wasn't that clear and it's not like it was preordained. Like, I'm sure there's some guy out there right now who's scheming on a way to punch a dolphin or legalize yak fucking, and that's not destiny, that's just a guy who doesn't like how things are now. If legalized yak fucking is somehow destiny, I think I'll need a lot more scotch.

thought of the day 2009 11 12 - Battle for hearts and minds

Still fighting in Afghanistan and no really decision from Obama on what the short or long term plan is. We're still apparently still deep in the "battle for hearts and minds." Which is fine I guess but it just seems like bad marketing. Doesn't the "Battle for Hearts and Minds" sound like something that happens when Dracula and Frankenstein's monster start fighting over victims?

thought of the day 2009 11 11 - Stonehenge

Discover Channel was running this thing on Stonehenge. Kinda neat, nobody really has an idea of why or how it was built. That's cool. Personally, I like to think that somewhere, back in time, there was this really smart family of architect pigs, and this evil wolf. And the first pig built a strawhenge but the wold blew it down, and the second pig built a woodhenge but the wold blew it down, and then the third pig built a stonehenge and damn if that didn't just do the trick. I have to say, as far as henges go, Stonehenge is pretty fucking neat.

thought of the day 2009 11 10 - African Debt

Had a chance to go through some back issues of the Economist while I sat in the doctor's office and there was this bunch of articles about African debt. How come Africa doesn't just tell the rest of the world to go fuck itself? I mean really, what's the world bank going to do? Repossess Africa? Is there a debt collection agency around that's going to call a tow truck to take a fucking continent? So I think the next time the IMF or World Bank comes calling, they should have a James Bond style villain sitting behind a desk going "Really Mr. Bond? You expect me to pay back this loan. Fuck you." And then push a button that opens a trap door to a tank full of rabid hyenas.

thought of the day 2009 11 09 - best dinner party EVER

Somebody asked me the other day who I would invite to a party. I didn't have a really good answer at the time, but after thinking about it, I would invite the following: Oprah Winfrey, Yoko Ono, Isla Fisher, Uma Thurman and Al Gore. Purely for the introductions. I would love to sit around a table and introduce everyone.

"Oprah, Yoko. Yoko, Oprah."
"Yoko, Isla. Isla, Yoko"
"Emma, Oprah. Oprah, Emma".
"And everybody, this is Al."

And then probably Bill Clinton too, because Bill Clinton is a pimp.

thought of the day 2009 11 08 - right of way

I was walking down the street yesterday and had to move out of the way on the narrow sidewalk because there was a lady pushing a stroller coming up the street. I had to do it again when I passed a guy in a wheelchair. Now I'm kind of wondering, if there's a guy in a wheelchair and a lady pushing a stroller who happen to cross on a narrow sidewalk, who has the right of way? Does the guy in the wheelchair have to scoot off to the side? Or does the lady with the stroller have to turn around and go the other way?

thought of the day 2009 11 07 - Engineers

I'm an engineer, I even have an engineering degree. It was pointed out to me recently that there aren't many women in engineering. This is true. In fact, I can recall when I was at university, there the male to female ratio in engineering classes was pretty dismal. I'm pretty damn sure that for some of the people in there though, the goal for engineering was to figure out a way to make a robot girlfriend. After all, somebody has to be the guy who invents the Austin Powers Fembot. That is the dream....

thought of the day 2009 11 06 - East Africa

Back in July of this year (2009) East Africa got it's first undersea fiber optic cable landed. I only caught this recently but being that I'm in the telecom industry it kind of surprised me. Anyway, what I realize now is that this means the next time I get an email from some Nigerian telling me about how he's got $18 M in a bank and trying to scam me, that email might be from an actual Nigerian. That, to me, is a very nice thought.

thought of the day 2009 11 05 - animal shelters

Okay so there's this stray cat that's been hanging around near my apartment lately picking fights with other cats and now it's gone and woken me up so I'm kind of considering calling animal control and taking it to the shelter.

But it sort of begs the question, how come there's animal control and animal shelters and animal adoption programs but no homeless adoption programs? We kind of have homeless shelters, but they fill up pretty fast. Where's the ad on the bus that says "do you like taking long walks, playing Frisbee and drinking heavily? Perhaps you could adopt Jeremy.

thought of the day 2009 11 04 - sports leagues

I don't think it's fair to criticize professional athletes for doping. They're paid to kick ass so they do what they need to do to kick ass. I'd like to see us split professional sports into two leagues. One for the normal athletes and one for the chemically enhanced athletes. That way we steal get to see sports in their full honor and then we get to see a pro boxer punch entirely through someone's torso or see a pinch hitter with 'roid rage go fucking berserk and snap an umpire in half. It's a good balance.

thought of the day 2009 11 03 - give a man a fish

The adage goes "If you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish he'll eat for a lifetime." But that's pretty much horseshit. I mean even if you teach a guy to fish, you still have to give him line, bait, lures, hooks, a rod and reel, a knife, a stove. You can't just teach him to fish and walk away. If he didn't have enough money for a goddamn fish, he certainly doesn't have the money for a rod and reel. And look, I know how to fish, it's not something you can just pick up in the morning and master by lunch. So even if you taught the guy how to fish AND gave him a rod and reel, and bait, and hooks, and line, and a knife and a stove, halfway through learning how to fish he'd be so fucking hungry he'd just sell the gear or he'd trade it for a goddamn fish.

thought of the day 2009 11 02 - cats vs. dogs

Messed up my shoulder again and in the doctor's office I had this discussion with a lady in for some allergy medication. She's got a cat but she's allergic to cats. And I asked why she didn't just get a dog. Her argument was that cats are better than dogs, but I disagree. In fact it should be pretty obvious. Think for a second about a seeing-eye CAT for the blind. Running under parked cars, stalking mice. Doesn't fucking work for the blind does it?

"Alright Mr. Whiskers, let's go." And the fucking cat just lies there sleeping. Fuck cats.

thought of the day 2009 11 02 - Destruction of childhood

Two things come to mind this evening, first off, does anybody else think Willy Wonka was a pedophile trying to lure kids with candy? Isn't that kind of creepy? And he gets two movies, one even starring Gene Wilder.

Second thing, I have to assume that Smurfs swim. Now if a Smurf was to drown, what color would it turn?

Finally, how come on the Thundercats you never saw them marking their territory by pissing all over stuff? Or the times they're all in heat?

thought of the day 2009 11 01 - fucking up the curve

One of my really good friends just celebrated her 9'th wedding anniversary and for some reason (and not just because I'm cheap) I think they should get a slogan for their anniversary, something nice that they can show off to the rest of the world. Like "fucking up the curve in successful relationships for nearly a decade"

thought of the day 2009 10 31 - the flying car

Okay, so here's the thing. I hate traffic and I really want the flying car so that we don't have just one two dimensional road, we can start putting all the traffic into 3D, stack lanes on top of each other.

But that whole idea fails miserably because I also like the idea of the drive through fast food window, fruit stands on the side of the road and hookers. So if we finally go the flying car, we'd need to give all the hookers jet packs. I'm just saying.