Entrance and Exit

Look bitch, I'm not going to ride up and down in this elevator again which means it ain't going anywhere until I exit; so you might as well back the fuck up and let me leave before you try to get on.

Concessions.

On a morning like this I would totally turn gay for Mr. Coffee.

and guest

the kind of crap part about remaining single is the "and guest". I got a wedding invite in the mail recently with the nice "and guest" on it. Which is probably one of the worst invites for "and guest". For a funeral maybe I could invite an "and guest" but putting it on a wedding invite is just a underhanded reminder that "hey we're happy (for now) but we know you're lucky to put up with yourself, let alone con someone else to being with you, so just....don't bring an escort."

"And guest" is just an insulting reminder that if you were to choke on a piece of eggplant, nobody would know anything is wrong until the neighbors start smelling something weird.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the invite, especially if there's an open bar, but it's disconcerting that my friends have a more optimistic view of my social life than I do.

Monopoly

I found myself in a Toys R Us with the kid this afternoon and on a whim found myself looking for the board game Monopoly. They had a Cars version of Monopoly, a couple of other 'custom' versions of monopoly, even a Monopoly card game but they didn't have regular Monopoly. The had what I thought was Monopoly until I tried to read the box. I could find a goddamn Monopoly en Espanol, but no Monopoly. I kind of wonder if they even make it anymore. Makes me realize how old I am.

Status

Facebook has like 10 different relationship statuses, from "widowed" and "single" to "civil union", and "domestic partnership" and even the vague "it's complicated". Didn't this site start with college kids finding people to have sex with, why is there no status like "hooking up with" or "occasionally banging" or "randomly fucking" or even a simple "none of your fucking business"? If you're going to lay out that many options I'd think you'd go for the full list.

Show your work

So 2.0 calls me up and he's telling me about school and complaining about how his math teacher makes him do the problems the long way and show his work. I say "okay, give me an example" and he shoots out 18 x 12. And I go "okay, so what is 18 x 12?" and he comes back after about a minute with 192. It's not, it's 216, did that shit in my head.....And that's why we make you show your work kids. That's why we make you show your work.

Cell Phones

It seems somehow unfair that any cell phone you by can be set to vibrate, but you can't get a vibrator that takes calls. You can get a g-spot vibrator, but it doesn't get 4G download speeds.