Monday, November 28, 2016

Superpowers and Holidays

It turns out that I spent a good portion of this past weekend trying to figure out if there was a best holiday to have superpowers. I had a lot of free time. Obviously if you’re Superman, the heat vision, cold breath and super speed make the meal prep for Thanksgiving easier, and the flying means you get to bypass airport security, which is always a plus. I bet that guy doesn’t even own a microwave oven. But pretty much anybody else, it’s basically a wash. Sure if you’re Spiderman, you get the strength and stickiness that makes it easy to carry a metric shit ton of Christmas presents in one go, but if you’re traveling to visit people who aren’t in a city, the swinging on webs doesn’t do you anything and really that costume isn’t antibacterial so you’re much more likely to catch a cold being out in shitty weather. Captain Planet on Earth Day maybe? But it's not like he would get credit for anything. It'd be more about complaining that he's not doing enough the rest of the year. Best I could come up with is being Captain America on Veteran’s Day, but only when he’s got Tinder on his phone.

Sunday, November 20, 2016


New screenplay idea: science fiction where Hillary got elected and in a chaos-theory laden sequence it leads to the zombie apocalypse so the last survivors have to travel back in time to make sure Trump gets elected.
It's sort of like the first Terminator movie, if the robot wins it ends human civilization, but it's also sort of like the last Terminator movie in that there's no good ending. It just makes you think about wanting to see Arnold run for President.


A couple of weeks ago I was trying to explain the movie Armageddon to my kid. "It's got the guy from Die Hard trying to blow up a meteor with the new Batman. But with an Aerosmith soundtrack and the girl from the Crazy video. Not Alicia Silverstone, the other one, his daughter." It's very difficult to convey the 90's to kids. I feel old.

Oil is Expensive

Apparently a Donald Trump butt plug is $125 on the Internet. That's less than a barrel of oil. And you should probably buy the barrel of oil and set on fire the person who would create a Donald Trump butt plug.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

...or maybe President Grabber?

My job’s not great. I mean it’s tolerable, whatever. But the job I really want is to be the guy at the Secret Service who comes up with the codenames. Like Bill Clinton was Eagle. I recall seeing that Mike Pence is Hoosier, which is wholly uninspired. Imagine you’re the President and they guy jogging beside your car has to call you “Pumpkin” or you’re a senior counselor and the guy standing in front of the door whispers into his wrist “Noodle to see POTUS.” And it's not like you really have a say in what you get assigned. You might have heavily armed guards calling you "Sparky", nothing you could do about it. Although now i kind of want pasta for breakfast.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Dog Name

My kid's friend just got a new dog. Named it Jupiter 'because Pluto was taken.' I apologize in advance, but this is going to be a thing now; I think that dog should have been named Uranus. That's a much better name for a dog if you're going with planets.
...yes, I am twelve years old.
Tell Uranus to get off the couch
Uranus keeps itching, must have fleas
Aw, Uranus is so cute
Man Uranus is really thirsty, when was the last time you gave him water?
If you're going for a walk, don't forget to put Uranus on a leash
Does Uranus get scared of fireworks?
Stop feeding Uranus people food!
Uranus keeps eating the flowers!
Don't let Uranus get the cat
When was the last time you gave Uranus a bath?
Uranus smells weird
Uranus really likes those avocados.
The next time he does that, you smack Uranus with a rolled up newspaper
It's not my fault, blame Uranus
I'm sorry, he's just too old. We're going to have to put Uranus down.
Uranus has worms
Is Uranus housebroken yet?
Did Uranus get into the garbage again?
So, how old is Uranus?
Uranus chewed up all my slippers
Uranus ate my homework
Does Uranus do any tricks? Sit, speak, beg?
Uranus is making weird noises
I like how you keep putting pictures of Uranus on Facebook
Chocolate is bad for Uranus
Let's use a picture of Uranus for our Christmas card this year
 That other dog keeps sniffing around Uranus.
No, I’m telling you, take a hit from that bong, blow it right up in there and you can get Uranus high as fuck.

Saturday, November 05, 2016

Urban warfare

Do I need to be taking a nap? No. And if I’m honest, there’s a bunch of stuff I should probably be doing this afternoon, but as I sit here half asleep while three fucking neighbor kids yell at the top of their balls-yet-to-drop soprano voices for no particular fucking reason other than, it appears, to make goddamn noise, all I want to do is blast hardcore porn out extremely large speakers at their apartment at three AM while they’re trying to goddamn sleep. 

Jewey AF

As much as it’s standard reading, if Anne Frank knew you were reading her diary, I bet she’d be pretty annoyed. What teenager wouldn’t be pissed if everyone not only read their diary, but was assigned that reading as homework? But it has reinforced my belief that this generation fails in creativity. There’s a lot of noise, and little of substance on the Intagram of “Jewey AF” (that’s for Anne Frank, not “As Fuck”, you racist). Maybe if we had a nice holocaust in the midwest, in fifty years, our grandchildren could learn history from the Facebook of Britney or we could make all middle schoolers read (and translate from the original Emoji) the Twitter of Flo-Dizzle.