Wednesday, January 31, 2018

The Future

Sometimes I wonder if sentient robots will kill us all before interplanetary conquers with faster-than-light starships invade our planet and enslave us all. Then I remember that Trump is still President and I don't to worry because we’ll never get that far.

Monday, January 22, 2018

First Commandment

I keep getting these fucking Amazon ads for relationship advice for Christian couples. All this shit about how "big data" knows everything about me. Goddamit Amazon 1) I'm not in a relationship, 2) My tolerance for churches and organized religions is pretty slim already and most importantly 3) I don't believe a book can tell you how to run a relationship. Ruin maybe, but not run. Handbooks for relationships are a dumb idea unless the title is "fucking communicate already", but that's sort of beside the point here because I thought the basic idea behind Christian couples is that they already have a relationship handbook. I mean, it's kind of an 'everything' handbook isn't it? Some of those old school guys had like a dozen wives, there must have been some advice in there with all that begatting that had begotten. You need a different book now? Seems like that might violate the First Commandment or something.
Aw fuck, you know what, I should have said "Old Testament" instead of "old school" that's what I meant to say.


I heard this story once from a lady who found out the guy she was dating had been cheating on her. So she went into his closet, filled with expensive suits, and cut off just the left leg from each of his suits. I think this helps me understand women's fashion more. I mean for a while, I thought it was a pa equity thing. Like a "we only make 78% so we can't afford shoulders on my top." But this seems like a more realistic explanation.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Civic Responsibility

I'm pretty sure Gary wants to steal my boyfriend now.

Maybe I should explain, see I came back from a trip recently and had to change the ceiling light bulb in my bathroom for the first time in....ever, I think. Anyway, it got me started on replacing some old stuff in there so I was headed into the store to get a new bathmat this morning (okay, actually this was yesterday, but the story works better if it was today, so just, you know, go with me on this, okay?); so I I'm headed into the store to get a new bathmat when I see that there's some guy with a clipboard stopping the odd passerby. Now I’m not sure exactly what his criteria are for who to stop, but I don’t really care and I’ve got Meet the Press playing in my earbuds so I’m hoping the “don’t bother me” vibe is enough to exempt me from his survey or petition or save-the-whatever signup sheet. Apparently not.

As I head towards the door, he stops me, says something and for whatever reason, lack of proper morning caffeine intake is my excuse, I half lean in and he repeats his line, “do you have a minute for gay rights?” To be fair, I do have a minute. I’ve got several. I have no job, nobody’s alerting me to an imaginary ballistic missile and if I step into a church on the Sabbath there’s a good chance I would catch on fire, so do I have a minute? Sure, but let’s be honest, the Supreme Court already handed down their verdict in Obergefell, I have no further sense of responsibility here. You’re not asking me for a wedding cake so I have about as many minutes for Gary as I do for saving the endangered Chinese river dolphins or searching out the “ghost orchid” (interesting fact, the ghost orchid doesn’t have any chlorophyll, it’s a parasite that feeds off of fungus but it is an orchid and it looks pretty cool. Google that shit).

I realize that my isn’t the fault of this kid and I really shouldn’t be taking it out on him, but anything before my first cup of coffee is too early for me to be dealing with this, so I’ve got to come up with some easy way out of this. In what I can only explain and divine inspiration or the prodct of way too many hours watching British comedy, it took me half a second to respond with “I’m sorry man, my boyfriend has a nine inch cock and I barely have time to go in here for provisions” as I did a quarter turn and walked right past him through the automatic doors. But it worked, Gary didn’t say a word, though the look he gave me suggests he very badly wants to steal my imaginary boyfriend now.

Resale Value

It costs something in the ballpark of $200,000 to raise a kid to the age of 18 these days and mine is going to be missing basically an entire week of school which is basically his only job. That means I can sell him and get my money back, right? I mean he's kind of out of warranty at this point so it's not like I can get a refund, but I'm sure I can get a decent price on Craigslist. I'm a great negotiator. Better than the President even.

Friday, January 12, 2018


Have I heard the song Despacito? Sure.
Do I know who sings it? Nope.
Do I understand what they're saying? Maybe like three words that I think I recogize from the Spanish I picked up from TV and movies and a few more I can guess from the Latin roots. 
Do I like it? Sure, it may not say much, but it's better than Coldplay. 
Why do I like it? See, now that's the tricky one because anything I say at this point is going to sound racist. 

Thursday, January 11, 2018


Through the annals of time history has recorded great events. Cave paintings were used as storytelling aids to describe the great hunts. Stone tables recorded great battles won (and in once instance these fifteen...sorry, ten, these ten commandments) and great monuments were built to honor the passage of kings and queens. And so it is that from these modern times historians will look back with great reverence and see how delicious that salad was or how great your ass looked on Instagram.

Saturday, January 06, 2018


Ugh. I should have known better. I do know better. And I have nobody to blame but myself. I mean, its Reddit. This is already a bad start. It’s like citing Urban Dictionary in a formal court filing: it’s done but should incite deep feelings of shame an embarrassment. Whatever, mea culpa, I was on a deep dive into some seafood recipes and I should have known better, but I ended up there and started clicking links and suddenly I’m looking at like a dozen pop-up windows of hentai tentacle porn. And you know what? None of them are practicing safe sex. I mean if J was a possible risk for contracting HPV I can’t imagine what kind of fucked up octopus chlamydia these people are being exposed to. This creature goes sticking tentacles in random orifices and I’m pretty sure it’s not taking a shower, let alone antibiotics. The general infections alone would be horrible. A cuttlefish UTI is not a laughing matter. All I’m saying is, if you’re going to go fuck a squid do it safely. No glove, no tentacle love. You don’t know where there suckers have been. 

Also, I’m done eating sushi for a little while now, but I’ve got a decent recipe for fish head soup if anyone is interested. 

Service animals

Outside the grocery store is a sign that says no pets or animals allowed, with an exception below for service animals in which it specifies in parenthesis dogs or miniature horses. Dogs, okay that's pretty obvious. But specifically miniature horses kind of throws me. I mean a helper monkey at least has hands. And a regular horse you could ride up and down the aisles like you're in Braveheart giving a rousing speech to some Scottish warrior poets, but a miniature horse? How is that animal of any service? What are you servicing besides the bin full of apples and loose carrots? Thing is, now I really want a miniature service horse just so I can bring it into the store.