Monday, April 30, 2018

Pick Me Up

When I see a picture of a cute baby or two animal friends on social media, I report them for abuse so that I can brighten the day of the Facebook and Twitter content moderators. If you spent all day looking at kiddie porn and nazi handjobs, you'd want a little pick me up too.

Saturday, April 28, 2018

Nipples

Do whales have nipples? They must right? They're mammals. The blue whale is born tail firt so that it doesn't drown and it gains something like 200 lbs. per day when it's young. But I've never seen a whale with a nursing bra.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Investment Strategies

A face to face meeting between Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump makes me think that perhaps Forever stamps aren't really a sound investment.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Fear

It's been said that merely the name "Black Death" could strike fear into the hearts of men, so deadly was that horrible disease. I cannot claim to wield such power. But I do like to think that with my physique I can quite readily strike fear into the hearts of sandwiches.

Friday, April 06, 2018

Movie Magic

Look at it objectively. Some girl drops a house on a lady and steals her shoes. She then brainwashes three random citizens and indoctrinates them into a cult. Then she uses a severe allergic reaction to execute regime change in a foreign country and we’re supposed to consider her a hero? That’s the kind of egomaniacal shit you expect from a Trump. The real magic in that movie is that she wasn't extradited back to Oz on multiple felony counts.

Sunday, April 01, 2018

Storytelling

First cup of coffee of the morning. Now, I’m not, in principle, opposed to religion. It’s done some good, some bad, and some genocide, but in principle, whatever, it’s fine. In practice, however, it needs to learn how to tell a story better. The “greatest story ever told” has far too many pages written noncomteporaneously (is that a word? Spellcheck seems to think it isn’t but what the fuck does she know? Whatever the opposite of contemporaneously is, I need another cup of coffee) by some people of questionable training and trustworthiness. And even with more authors than a Bill and Ted’s reunion screenplay, it’s still a boring read. The kind of long winded diatribe of self-congratulatory reverence normally reserved for a Kardashian biography ghostwriter or a second year playwright.
The story matters, as does how you tell the story. And I can prove it:
 This cop on vacation from New York visits a new building during a Christmas party while it’s being taken by a bunch of terrorists. He kills them all. Oh, and there are Twinkies. That’s the story of Die Hard. But told like the church would tell it. Would you rather hear that story or make watching the movie a Christmas tradition? How you tell a story matters. And aside from molesting little kids and slaughtering an uncountable number of natives, if I had to pick one problem with the Christian church, that would be it. You don’t know how to tell a story well. Also you need to set ticket prices. Passing around a basket is fine and all but when I go to a concert I know what the door charge is. If your Messiah could weave a better narrative and pad the structure with a couple of decent one-liners every now and again maybe you wouldn’t have to flip my pockets inside out for the vig on whether I’m going up or down after death.
It’s not that hard. You don’t have to be Wallace Shawn or William Goldman, just make the journey compelling, put in some character development and hire a table of failed Harvard Lampoon nerds to do a couple of rounds of punch up before you subject a room full of the fearful to a Sunday morning of guilt and shame.

Happy Easter

Welcome to the one day a year people might actually apply some critical thinking to shit they hear on the Internet. That it simultaneously falls on a day celebrating resurrection with a rabbit that provides eggs doesn't escape me, but I'm up too early to belabor that amount of stupid just yet. Let me finish my coffee first.