Monday, January 31, 2011

Existential dreams

I don't do drugs but I think maybe I should start because I just woke up from a dream that started to get way too much like real life. I'm in a room with live music playing and talking to some girl and things are going well. And somehow I got asked what my favorite sexual position was and my response was "eh, I'll take whatever I can get" and then she went to talk to someone else. It does not bode well for me when my subconscious brain in a deep level of REM sleep rejects me.

And then there was a Cheetah that was chasing me, and I'm rather slow and kinda chubby so I'm glad I woke up. Except that I'm supposed to be in a weekly sales meeting in a few hours and I can't go back to sleep.

However, i'm glad that my subconscious brain had higher standards than my conscious one. That just means that when I'm on a date I should try to fall asleep more.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

French Canadia

Why do French Canadians even exist? Most of the Canadians I know are the nicest people ever, and many of the French I've met are the largest douchebags on the planet. No, scratch that, douchebag doesn't exactly cut it. "Bag" is too small a term. Douchepool. That's better.

It's just confusing. Does that make then the most assholish nice people I know, or the nicest dipshits I've had the misfortune of not being able to pee on? Or does it just make then such gigantic asshats that even the French can't fucking stand them and the only people tolerant enough not to shoot them in the head on sight just had to exist on the same continent that's home to the country who's citizenship I share, but who illegally overthrew the previous government of my native home.

Side note to Iraqi's, go for 51'st state. You can get your own quarter.

Dinosaur Porn.

i don't know why I'm up at three AM. More so, I don't know why I'm watching Animal Planet shows, because I'm watching a show on sex in evolution

Which basically means shark porn, elephant porn, honeybee porn. I just watched a coral spooge into the ocean that I swim in. I just watched a elephants fucking. This is not something that I will be able to unsee. And keep in mind, I can't see very well, so a lot of this shit I now keep in my imagination. You do NOT want the mental image of moose cock. Ever. Seriously.

Now the only thing running through my brain is whether the animals know they're being filmed understand what that means. And that makes me wonder who the giraffe version of Jenna Jameson is.

As a side note, Bonobo is way too appropriate a name for that animal. It would only have been more appropriate if they were instead called the noisyfuck. And Jesus do they fuck a lot.

I mean seriously, I know we evolved from primates. But I mentally don't understand how we could evolve from monkeys who spend that much time fucking. Our ancestors couldn't have learned how to use tools, they were too busy fucking. But I do see a striking resemblance in penis size between me and a chimpanzee, so there's that I suppose.

Monday, January 17, 2011


So congratulations to my friend Jesse who's having a kid. Though I do have to say, your constantly going on and on about the miracle of child birth is somewhat tedious.

I like kids and all that, but it's not really much of a miracle. Happens quite a bit in fact. Have you seen Chinese people? There's quite a few of them. Not much of a miracle. So unless you've been neutered or you're a plastic action figure come to life ala Toy Story, calling it a miracle is a little much. I mean lets face it, you had sex, it's not much of a surprise.

Hell, to be honest, I spend my time trying to prevent miracles. I mean not that i get much opportunity anyway, but when I do, I'd be praying for the result to go in the other direction and it's much more of a 'praise the Lord' moment when the test doesn't come back positive.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Dream analysis

I just got up from a very weird dream. It had Mormons and zombies (and yes, I can tell the difference) and a bunch of people I know including this girl I went to school with and had a thing for. It was was completely unsexual and actually kind of romantic. Something must be wrong with me.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Having recently realized that I have to fly a prop plane to go to an install, I think there should be an airline called Kanyewest. Where all the seats are first class and the only baggage handing fees are when you have to tip the flight attendant for giving you a happy ending at the end of the in-flight massage.

Saturday, January 08, 2011


I was told recently that sex has devolved from courting to dating to random hookups and "freinds with benefits" and now we're at the point where sex can be had for the low, low effort of a single text message with a single character "?"

I did, to be fair, see that once on a TV show...."How I Met Your Mother" I think... but c'mon, that's TV. No sane person would take that any more seriously than say, Fox News.

Bad enough it's done via text message and not via an actual conversation. But even worse, any questions I ask from now on have a sort of sexual implication. I mean really, if there's something's wrong, in your neighborhood you can call the Ghostbuster, but now that would require Egon to have the unlimited SMS plan with Verizon and they don't have good coverage. And when asked "who ya gonna call?" the implicatoin is that Bill Murray is getting some.

I simply find it difficult to believe that sex via text message (oh, side note, I will not use the term "sexting" here. I'm not a twelve year old girl) has devolved to a single character. The booty call was, to my taste, the limit. At least that required you to have some basic human fucking communications skills. You had to at drunkenly think up something lame to say when trying to get laid at two in the goddamn morning. Now all you have to do is send a "?" ?

And then in response if it's a yes, you get a "!". The exclamation point. Newspaper journalists used to call an exclamation point in a headline a "slammer" and computer programmers often refer to it as a "bang". Both of which are completely apropo for this purpose, but that doesn't make the single character response proper etiquette for inviting someone to come by and fill you full of cock.

Besides, that kind of thing completely ruins the question mark for me. How else are you supposed to write a question? If you don't put a question mark at the end, it's grammatically just a statement, isn't it? On the other hand, are you a chick and relatively hot? Yes? Then?


So when you're undressing to have sex with someone, when exactly is the appropriate time to remove your socks?

If you go shirt, then pants, then socks, that means there's a point there where you're just a naked dude in socks and that's just about the most likely time to get shut down.