Thursday, September 29, 2011


It's not that I want you to want me. I'm just apathetic enough so that I don't want you to not want me.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The popular beverage at work lately seems to be kool-aid and unfortunately, I'm not drinking it.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Wolf Blitzer

Wolf Blitzer sounds like some kind of sex position whee you agressively do it doggy style, but do it really really quickly.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Optimistic About Time Travel

Ok, here's some mind bending philosophy for you:
I can take as proof that time travel will never exist, this fact: Hitler was still Hitler. That's it, that one little thing tells me that time travel cannot, and will not ever happen. Because the fact is, if time travel was remotely possible, someone would have come back and killed Hitler, one of history's biggest douchebags.

If Hitler is still Hitler, and Stalin is still Stalin, there can be no such thing as time travel. And if there is time travel, it means that someone came back and killed Dan. "Who's Dan?" you ask? Well you'll never know it, but he was a bigger asshole than Hitler and Stalin combined. He tortured puppies for fun, raped a panda bear every day just because he could, etc., etc. If time travel does in fact, or will ever in fact exist in the future, then someone had to come back in time to kill that asshole Dan and let Hitler live.

Now all of that means, if you're an optimist, the type of person who would like to believe that anything at all is possible and time travel might exist, then you are ALSO of the belief that, relatively speaking, Hitler wasn't all that bad; that Stalin, having sent millions to freezing cold deaths, is, again, relatively speaking, was kind of an okay guy and that Dan is the biggest asshat of all time. That's right: optimists support Hitler.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Racists puppy

My neighbor's puppy seems to just wag it's tail at everyone. No distinction whatsoever. I kind of think that dog thinks we all look alike. Fucking racist.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Voice mail

oh for god's sake, don't we all already know to "leave a message" after the beep?' Amazonian tribesmen with no electricity have phones with voice mail at this point. Let it go. I kind of feel like not leaving my name or number just to spite you. Just leave a message from a blocked number like "yo, it's me, it's important, call me back now. "


I was reminded today of a conversation I had a while ago with an ex.

Di: "ugh, I have to shave my legs again, they're getting gross."
Me: "I think you look great and I like you even if you don't shave"
Di: "Yeah, well you're a slacker and when you don't have for a few days it reminds me of fucking a wookiee."
Me: "Reminds you? At what point previously in your life were you kissing a wookiee?"
Di: "Shut up, you know what I mean."
Me: "No, I'm curious, at what point long, long ago were you transported to a galaxy far, far away and found yourself pub crawling on Kashyyyk?"
Di: "What?"
Me: "That's where wookiees are from."
Di: "Nerd. I'm using your shaving gel."
Me: "Only, if I can watch. I like your legs."
Di: "Seriously, who knows the planet wookiees are from?"
Me: "I'm just saying, you're like what, 5' 6"? The top of your head would barely come up to a wookiee's nipple."
Di: "I'm getting naked in the shower and you're still hung up on wookiees."

This is why I'm still single. God damn George Lucas