Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Meeting Rule

New rule, all meetings in the afternoon are scheduled from 4-420 and if you don't know why then you know all you need to know.

Novelty Porn

So I was reading a thing a couple weeks ago where someone had made what is essentially the porn spoof on the Brady Bunch. I can't remember the title off the top of my head, but it got me thinking, what other TV shows and childhood memories would make good porn?

Top of my head:
Peanuts - Because you know that little red haired girl that Charlie Brown is after would be a total slut

Return of the Jedi - but only because of the Ewoks

The Smurfs - Because I have to imagine all that blue body paint would be damn sexy

The Snorks - Random protrusions and multiple orificies...orificices? orifices.

If you can think of any more, drop them in a comment.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Why nothing surprises me

I've been asked many times why I'm a pessimist, and it's not that I'm a pssimist, it's that I'm a realist and nothing really surprises me anymore.

The best example I think I can give is Wal-Mart. The largest Wal-Mart in the State of Hawaii is on Keeaumoku St. It's built over an ancient Hawaiian burial site. During construction the human bones they found were basically stored in a van on the construction site. The last time I check, which was a while after the store opened but not recently, the van was still parked there. Just sitting there with the bones, next to the Sam's Club. Now that the store has been open a while it's pretty much forgotten and there's a bunch of Hawaiians, myself included, who shop there. So yeah, Wal-Mart comes in, fucks with local businesses like Long's Drugs, disrupts a native burial site and leaves human remains parked in a van, and Hawaiians shop there. Seriously, nothing surprises me anymore.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

More TSA woes

So I had a flight pretty early this morning. Being that it's a major travel holiday I figured it better to go early and avoid the possibility of being late or getting stuck in lines. The only problem with zipping through all the lines early in the morning is thaht it gives me some time to think about shit again.

For example, as I was going through airport security, I realized there was a guy who had to go through background checks and training and all that horshit, who's collecting federal benefits and what I can only assume is a pretty decent wage and this guy's job consists of taking empty bins from one end of the scanner and putting them at the other end of the scanner so people can put in their shoes and shit. That's it. That's this guy's job, walk from point A to point B. Take empty bins from point B to point A. Leave them there. Rinse and repeat.

I cannot, for the life of me fathom what the job requirements were when he applied. I'm thinking it was basically "Have you ever worked at a supermarket, brining the shopping carts back from the parking lot into the store? Have you ever worked the food court at the mall, taking the trays back to the food vendors? Have we got a job for you!" Can you imagine the performance review for this job? "Gee, sorry Bob, You do very well at getting the empty bins from the end of the machine but you have to remember to bring them to the start of the machine Bob, it's the start of the machine. The guy watching the x-ray screen doesn't need the bins Bob. I'm sorry but we may have to let you go."

On the other side is his compatriot who's sole job seems to be making sure that when I walk through the metal detector I have a piece of paper. Ideally this would be a boarding pass, but really, it must be pretty easy to fake. I mean she doesn't have a list of the flights, the boarding pass is just a piece of paper. So for all she knows I could be on flight 218 sitting in seat 24D. It's not like she's checking a manifest. If I just make shit up, she can't prove me wrong. What's she going to say? "I'm sorry, but I don't believe, you. I don't think there's a flight 15, and why does your boarding pass asy 'public transit buss transfer' on it?"

I really hope for the sake of security that these people rotate jobs once in a while because if I was the guy who had to move bins back and forth all day I think I'd have to fucking taser someone just for the amusement. Just so I didn't go fucking insane and start playing little tricks like seeing what kind of explosives I could sneak past the other checkpoints.


I'm an animal lover. I love them roasted, fried, broiled, steamed sometimes. Anyway, I love animals, they're tasty.

Now see, I know some of you thought I was going to go the whole sex route with the "I love animals, I love them looong time." But no, I have some class.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Car Salesman Years

How can it be that each week I see a different ad on TV that exclaim that this week only is the sale of the year? That only this weekend can I get in on the car event of the decade? That simply cannot be possible. There's no way that I can have the best sale of the year every single week. That just isn't possible and nobody calls them on it. Nobody walks into the Dodge dealership and demands to see the manager and goes "Hey, look, I bought a truck in here last week and I was told that was the sale of the year but here I am this week and it's a different sale but lo and behold this week's sale is just as fucking good. I think someone here owe's me an explanation because quite frankly, I'm feeling very disappointed with all the broken promises."

The only way this works is if car salesmen are kinda like dogs, they operate on a different time scale. There's normal people years, then seven dog years to a normal people year and like 60 car salesmen years to a normal people year. That's the only way that makes sense. Then the sale of the decade for a car salesman really lasts like two months.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Star Trek Communicators vs. Cell phones

So as cell phones more and more get to be like Star Trek communicators I've become more and more impressed with Star Trek. Now I've already come to appreciate the fact that the communicators could flip open, but my cell phone does that too. I've come to appreciate the fact that they didn't have ring tones so that some retard walking down the street isn't jingling the latest Kelly Clarkson when he gets a call, but what impresses me most is that you never saw someone interrupt a meeting with a cell phone.

You never saw them all sitting on the bridge, Kirk giving instructions, and all of a sudden Sulu's belt starts chirping. They're never in the middle of a fight with the Klingon's and all of a sudden Chekov goes "Excuse me, keptin, I have to take this."

But even more than that, you never got a drunk dial on a Start Trek Communicator. That chick from Altair VI never calls up Kirk after drinking too much Romulan ale and starts screeching at him. I don't know how they managed these particular feats. I mean I guess in the 60's and 70's mobile communication would have been pretty damn impressive and it's still great today but seriously. I need to find out how they managed to pull this off because quite frankly I want that "no drunk dial" service way more than I want SMS text messages.

Business vs Guinness

Have you ever noticed how Business and Guinness have a really similar spelling? Especially after you've had a business meeting where you drank a lot of Guinness or after you were having a pint of Guinness near your Business or if you're in the Guinness business.


So I think the next time I go hunting for a new job I'm going to put really impressive skills on my resume. Like "one-handed bra removal." Because let's face it. A lot of people can work with Cisco routers or have Microsoft certifications but how many of them can literally snap their fingers and remove a bra?

Taxes are fucking complicated

I realize it's not Apr. 15'th yet, but seriously, taxes are goddamn complicated and it's just stupid. I mean my taxes aren't that complicate but to get them right you have to pay someone to do them which basically means shelling out a couple hundred bucks on top of whatever I have to pay anyway. So I'm spending money so that I can have someone else take away more of my money. That's just fucking wrong. I mean in a battle a soldier doesn't come up to an enemy soldier and go
"Look, I'd like to shoot you but it says that on line 3c I have to take the differnece of our force reserves and multiply that by the coefficient of friction and divide that number by the average air speed velocity of an unladen swallow to figure out how many times to shoot you. Or you can take the alternative minimum ass kicking and I'll throw a grenade at you."
It's like bouncing a check at the bank. There's returned check fee where you charge me more of something you already know I don't have because I bounced the check in the first place. And when we get to taxes you know even better that I don't have any fucking money because every April 15'th I feel like I got cleaned out more than if I had a high colonic.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Independantly Wealthy

A friend of mine teaches grade school and had given out an assignment to her students for a page long essay about "what you want to be when you grow up." One of the responses she got was awesome enough thtat I felt like sharing. So one of the kids wrote a page on how he wanted to be "independantly wealthy" when he grew up.

I have to admit, I wish I was that smart when I was kid. Hell I wish I was that smart now.

Friday, November 09, 2007

College Major

I'm thinking about going back to grad school. But as I ws going through the application I was thinking, it would be really neat to see a gay guy majoring in women's studies.

Sunday, November 04, 2007


So Halloween is over, a couple days ago now, and I was thinking. Why should kida have all the fun? Why shouldn't adults be able to trick or treat? Granted, I probably don't need any more sugar or high fructose corn syrup but I can imagine trick or treating for say a blowjob. Plus the costumes make it that much sexier. I mean hell if some writer can come up with a kid trick or treating for earts on Grey's Anatomy, I should be able to trick or treat for sex right? I'm not yet sure about all the logistics, but I imagine it would go something like this.
Knock Knock.
Trick or Treat.
Get a handjob or something.