Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Last Meals

If I were sentenced to death and going to die, what would I want for a last meal?

1) unicorn. probably a nice steak. Do they have little baby veal unicorns?

2) dragon eggs. poached or benedict style with some canadian bacon...maybe unicorn canadian bacon. maybe just some bacon made from a real canadian.

2.5) along the same lines, I'd eat a fried phoenix. I think it would be awesome if you could take a bird made of fire and toss it in a a fryer. Probably tastes like chicken.

3) mango crepes. oh my fucking god, i had these once someplace and they were amazing. i don't remember where they were from but they were bad ass. but i'd get about a dozen of them and some vanilla ice cream.

4) a bottle of Blue Label or maybe Everclear. especially if i was getting the electric chair 'cause I have to imagine that much alcohol in my system + that many amps would seriously increase the possibility for spontaneous combustion

Pixie Stix

What the hell is the singular form of "pixie stix"? Say I eat only one pixie stick. is that stick? stik? stic? stix?

I mean obvious if it was used in some random sexual manner, or if you're a porn star there's "Pixie Stixxx" (which I'm totally trademarking by the way so if you're a stripper, you owe me some licensing fees for that one).

But I haven't ever seen a good singular form for Pixie Stix and it's very frustrating.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Yes I can

As much as I hate the "can you hear me now" Verizon wireless guy. I have to admit, I hate the motherfucker on the other end of the phone that keeps saying "yes" when he asks. If, every so often, he just says "what was that? can you repeat that again? sorry Mike, I can't hear you." the would just shut the fuck up.

Grand Theft Auto

When you get a game named "Grant Theft Auto" does that really need a parental warning to go with it? I mean, isn't the fact that the game is named for a felony enough of a warning in itself? If it was named "snuggle bunny's happy land of gumdrops" and you go around stealing cars and getting some "hot coffee' then yeah, probably need the warning. But when the title quite obviously poinits towards what the purpose of the game is, I think the warning should be "If you read this title and don't understand what you're getting yourself into, don't buy this game. Go home, watch Spongebob and be happy."

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Why does dinner need so much help?

I went grocery shopping this afternoon and was trying to figure out what to make for dinner. Sort of on a whim I started looking at Hamburger Helper. I rarely buy any of this kind of mix stuff. Usually I'll cook from scratch or just eat out somewhere. At worst, maybe a frozen pizza or spaghetti if I don't really feel like cooking. I mean boiling noodles and opening a thing of sauce doesn't really constitute cooking.

So anyway, Hambuger Helper, Chicken Helper. They even have Tuna Helper. But seriously, why do these things need help. Hambuger + garlic salt & pepper + bread crumbs + onion on a grill. How the shit does hambuger need any help. Are these foods so helpless that they can't fend for themselves anymore?

How pathethic have we become that all of our foods need help now.   
I had a really nice steak  and it didn't need any fucking help at all. 
All it needed was a baked potato and some worcheshire...worste.. that sauce.