Saturday, August 23, 2014

Waiting in linee to renew my ID

With a birthday coming up, I had to stand in line for way too long to renew my ID. While waiting, the obvious jokes came up. Things like “when I’m done here I should just go to the back of the line and wait again. Then I’ll be in good position the next time it expires.” Or the “shit, by the time I get to the counter I’ll have to change my hair color on their form from black to gray.”

Because everyone is equal in the eyes of the DMZ. For some reason now all I can picture is someone like Liv Tyler or Springsteen stuck line at the DMV and I’m kind of wondering why Mellencamp hasn’t written a song about it yet.

But here’s the thing. Standing around idle has gotten me thinking. I now have a couple of great new business ideas. First off, every couple of steps you setup some blackjack or poker tables. And don’t worry the house gets a cut too so when people stuck in line start losing money the DMV can hire more clerks. It’s a win-win.

My second idea, and I know that realistically I’d probably lose, at the very least to a couple of the Samoans in here, but I want DMV Thunderdome. Two men enter only one man drives away legally.

Then again, sometimes standing around idle brings out the violence in me, so let’s say we tone it down. What if I just go with my new business idea instead? We hire a bunch of idiots, prisoners, catatonic and comatose patients; basically people for whom standing idly could actually be a profession; and they hold your spot in line. You’re free to go off and do whatever, when you come back you wheel then out of the way, or just unplug the ventilator or whatever and thee you go. No day wasted in line like you’ve got nothing better to do than rub one out, even if, if we’re being honest, you really didn’t have anything better to do and your schedule today had you penciled in to rub, like, 4, out. It’s a win-win again. Gainful employment, social benefit and I can get some actual stuff done today. You find the right autistic kids, maybe you can even negotiate them down to a vitamin C drop and a can of creamed corn for standing there the better part of an afternoon. 

Thursday, August 21, 2014


I'm too lazy anyway, but the usually flimsy pages and small print mean I don't read the bible. I would probably go for the audiobook though, if it was red by te author.

The Talk

It hasn't happened yet, but I know that at some point in the near future I'm going to have to talk to my kid about dating. Other than telling him to date someone with a hot, single mom, I'm not really sure what to say.