Saturday, March 30, 2013

More TV

When I turn on the TV and all I see is stuff like the Kardashians, Jersey Shore,a dozen different people auctioning off storage lockers or singing badly and the Bachelor and I have to think that maybe we need another holocaust, just a small World War would be okay right?

Friday, March 29, 2013


Facebook just told me that 8 of my (admittedly few) friends "like" Wal-Mart. I shop at Wal-Mart, I even like it, but it's 50% for the prices and 50% for the ambiance of the other people who shop there.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

TV channels

I don't watch much TV, but flipping channels now I do find it odd. Like I'm in the anti-demographic. I'm 15 years too old for anything on CW and 15 years too young for anything on CBS. I'm not gay enough for Bravo, but a little too gay for AMC. Too much of a critical thinker for anything on Fox News and with too learned a vocabulary for anything on CNN. Too fat for E!, too skinny for the Food Network. Too white for BET, too Asian for NBC. At this point with 30 Rock off the air, I think all I'm left with is the last season of Louie on TiVo and Shark Week. Anybody got a good TV show recommendation that doesn't involve a reality show, some musical competition I don't care about or a sitcom wife that's way too hot for the schlub husband who's screw up or stupid comment rolls along to a 24-minute plot that could have been taken care of in a 5 minute SNL sketch?

While we're at it, can someone explain the Kardashian's to me? I'm confused.
Spent the past few hours remotely fixing virus issues. Not happy. But I am trying to become an optimist as I'm told positive people generally lead happier I guess...I'm happy that Norton only does Internet Security and not Homeland Security.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


There’s genius and then there’s lesser genius. For example, the guy who invented olive oil, culinary genius. The guy who invented grape soda, less so. Marie Curie discovering radiation, genius. Not wearing a lead-lined corset, less so. The inventors of the Internet, genius, the guys, and they were definitely guys, who invented Internet porn...PURE GENIUS. The Greeks who discovered mathematical concepts like Pi, genius. The inventors of Key Lime pie that combines mathematical concepts like circles with amazing taste. Awesome. I don’t know how to end this, so I’m going to get a snack.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


The receipt from the restaurant I just had dinner at had that little “thank you for patronizing our establishment” line at the bottom. And I have to say, I’m a little disappointed. I mean that’s pretty passive aggressive for a place that only made a moderately decent lasagna. And here I thought I acted pretty well with the waitress. I mean, really. I expected better.

Friday, March 22, 2013


who has opposable thumbs? I do. Beat that two smartphones that I now carry, either of which has more computing power than NASA did when they put a man on the moon. Both of which can give me turn by turn directions and account for traffic, both of which could allow me to update FB yet I do it from my laptop because that keyboard is so damn small only a child or an Elf could properly use it and, both of which constantly correct my spelling and yet don't seem to know the word "fuck" which makes spellcheck useless because that's like 20% of my daily vocabulary.

 so yeah, I carry two phones that are smarter than me. I also have opposable thumbs. So suck it Apple and BlackBerry. Just suck it.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Food Porn

I bet the Food Network seems like porn for starving people? Then again, even regular porn would seem in bad taste if you were starving. I mean the pizza guy gets there and then the pizza just goes to waste. It’s a shame really.

Monday, March 18, 2013


What does the Pope give up for Lent? Speaking Latin like some long-passed Roman Senator? Infallibility? Choir boys?


You choose to believe that unicorns don't exist. I choose to believe that Noah just forgot to leave them off the list for the Ark. Which is okay because they would have eaten all the other animals.


Does anybody else think the story of Sleeping Beauty is a little date-rapey?

So when my ex says I should have acted more like a prince does that mean I should have drugged her, dragged her into the woods and had my way with her? Harassed more midgets? Developed a women's shoe fetish? Rub a bunch of lamps and get a monkey to help me steal shit?

I mean really. If you wanted a solid relationship where you knew where your boyfriend was 24-7, date a guy in prison. The only time he'll cheat on you is when he drops the soap.


I guess I've come to realize recently that sometimes it's okay if the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. The right hand is probably doing something sketchy, possibly illegal, and the left hand likes the idea of plausible deniability.

I mean really, I'm a guy, my social life is so bad that I would make a suitable sacrifice to the volcano gods.

Hell, the cleanest thing in my apartment is my browser history and I still wouldn't want you to see it so deniability is a good thing.

Monday, March 11, 2013


I like a joke as much as the next person, but don't tell me laughter is the best medicine. If it was, Tina Fey would be curing AIDS.

Saturday, March 02, 2013


I NEED to know what's beyond bed and bath. Is it shotguns? Is it kayaks? Both of those are pretty far beyond Bed and Bath. I bet it's Kayaks ...and Russian nuclear material.