Saturday, January 30, 2016


I want to watch two three-toed sloths in a kick-boxing match

Monday, January 25, 2016


A few years ago, I had all four wisdom teeth removed at the same time. While amusing at the time, it was somewhat more surprising a couple of years ago when what I’m pretty sure was a small remnant bit of tooth came out of my gum. Apparently this happens sometimes. So a few weeks ago when I started to get small pain where another wisdom tooth was I figured it was the same thing again, small bit of remaining tooth working its way out of my gum like a really, really, slow, enamel-covered Alien bursting through someone’s chest. After a couple of weeks, a dentist visit and a surgical referral it turns out it’s not a bit of tooth, it’s part of a rough edge of bone poking through the gum where my wisdom tooth was. Effectively this means I’m a grown ass man who’s teething. Which, given my maturity level is pretty much that of a two-year old, seems somewhat appropriate. 

Sunday, January 24, 2016


We have the expression “like a hot knife through butter” but in that equation isn’t the temperature of the butter just as, if not more important, than that of the knife? I mean say the butter is frozen. Hot knife, you’re still going to have to put in some effort. On the other hand, if you had melted butter, the temperature of the knife is kind of meaningless isn’t it? I’m not saying scrap the phrase, I’m just saying it deserves a little more specificity. 

Tuesday, January 19, 2016


Medical science tells us that dead people can’t tense muscles. That means no bladder control and, while I’m not one to hold it in until something bursts, you’re not always near an available toilet. So I’m a little disappointed that your various CSIs, SVUs and NCISs don’t accurately depict the normal occurrence of a dead body shitting itself. When a model in a slinky white gown gets shot by a revenge-seeking sniper who then tries to frame her photographer, she’s not just dead. She’s dead in a partially brown dress. And I think that for the sake of medical accuracy, this deserves more airtime.

Friday, January 08, 2016

Good morning

When I hear someone ask me "how are you doing?" I don't hear it as a greeting. I hear it as a threat. Like no matter how good I'm doing, you can find a way to ruin it for me in under five seconds.