Saturday, November 28, 2009

I'm not actually real, I'm just a very convincing robot.

I just want to be clear about that. Yay for us robots. We're going to kill you all then take over and make The Matrix real. Except for Keanu Reeves because every time we see him we keep thinking about Bill and Ted and how much funnier George Carlin was than either Bill or Ted in that movie.

Friday, November 27, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 05 - vegans

Went through a health food store today. Did you know there are actually vegan condoms? I didn't realize latex was an animal based product but apparently, vegan's can't just use normal condoms. What the fuck is in a vegan condom made from anyway? What do you like hollow out a zucchini? And if we're being fair here, cock is an animal product, if you're vegan, you probably shouldn't be messing with it.

thought of the day 2009 12 04 - I need to watch more TV

Maybe I just somehow missed it for many, many, many years, but I was just flipping through ESPN and they were talking about practices for the international "ice dancing" championships. Now I've vaguely heard of ice dancing as a sport but I never realized it had become important enough that 1) it would have internationally organized championships and 2) ESPN would mention it, but apparently, it's a pretty big thing. I honestly didn't think it was possible to out-gay ice skating but hey, here comes ice dancing. Good for your ice dancing, taking the queer right to the next level there.

thought of the day 2009 12 03 - how come nobody wears a cape anymore?

So because I was out in Kona instead of at home, I didn't do my Thanksgiving tradition of watching one of the Star Wars movies but I did happen to catch part of one of them and I have to say, Lando Calrissian totally rocks the cape. How come more people don't wear capes? Vader had a cape and he was a badass. It's comic book heroes and futuristic sci-fi people who can rock the cape. I need a modern, non-comic hero to bring the cape back into style. Like Matthew McCono-whateverthefuckhisnameis. Were he to wear a cape in his next horrible romantic comedy with Kate Hudson, there's an outside chance that I could get laid instead of laughed at. Moral of the story: less magicians, but more capes.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 02 - housing pricing

I was catching up on back issues of The Economist and they had a pretty lengthly article about how America's housing market is supposed to be recovering. Which I suppose is true in some places, but not here. Housing prices never really fell here in Hawaii. They just didn't go up as fast. And it's annoying as fuck because I'd like to be able to buy a place but between prices and my credit, I'd be lucky to be able to afford a fucking dollhouse. And I'd probably have to take out a second mortgage on it.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 01 - Gitmo...again

I've been thinking about this more lately because Obama is going to shut down Gitmo. When he does, and we have to give the prisoners trials in the US, I want the tribunal they get tried in front of consist of these three people:

Judge Judy
Judge Mills Lane
Judge Dredd

And yes, I realize Judge Dredd is a fictional comic book and movie character, so if we can't get him I will, under duress, accept Judge Reinhold as a reasonable replacement.

thought of the day 2009 11 30 - Guantanamo Detainees

Do the prisoners in Gitmo get conjugal visits like normal prisoners? And if they do, do they get conjugal visits from real people? 72 Virgins? Or do they all just share the same goat?

thought of the day 2009 11 29 - dangers of smoking weed

As more research is done into the medical use of marijuana, I have to speculate that the prescription use of weed would reduce one of the main risks of marijuana use in general. If you're rolling a joint and you run out of paper, it's entirely possible that you might accidentally use the page from the phone book that has the number for nearest Pizza Hut or Papa Johns.

thought of the day 2009 11 28 - boxing

The thing I don't get about boxing, these two guys don't really have any valid reason for wailing on each other. And they're both getting paid. I mean sure, you get paid more if you win, but if the difference between me taking a right cross from Mike Tyson and walking away is fifty grand, then that's fifty grand I can probably live without you know? If they really wanted to have a good boxing match, they would give the boxers some real motivation. Like, make the loser dress up in a stripper's school girl outfit and walk down the strip in Vegas. That's motivation not to get your ass kicked. Or if one of them is married, get his wife drunk and have the opponent sleep with her. That would be motivation. Getting your teeth knocked in just for a paycheck seems like a bad idea.

thought of the day 2009 11 27 - health care

For myself, the main reason I want to see universal health care isn't because I want it for me, I want it for illegal immigrants. Now, I know this sounds backwards but follow me here. Wouldn't you want the people who clean your office, make your food and wash your dishes to be as healthy as possible? You find me the rich white guy who's going to make his own food or clean his own office and I'll give you someone who can complain about not having health care for immigrants.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

thought of the day 2009 11 26 - midgets

Being that I just finished off the last of my leftover trick or treat candy AND the fact that midget is apparently some kind of insulting term, I will now replace the term midget in my vocabulary with "fun size person", at least until I get punched in the cock by one of them.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

thought of the day 2009 11 25 - abort!

Let's say that you have this fried, we'll call him Nick, and this friend is married and trying to have a baby. In fact he and his wife have been planning for a kid for months. Then Nick lost his job and they can't really afford to have a kid right now. Is it awkward if you happen to use the phrase "abort the baby" even if all I meant was they shouldn't be planning anything until they've got medical insurance again.

thought of the day 2009 11 24 - motivation

I don't like the idea of motivational speakers, motivations tapes, motivational workshops, motivational books, all that stuff. To me the idea of motivation is bad. Motivation leads to all kinds of fuckedupness. The people who kill abortion doctors, beat gay people to death, release toxins into subways, these are all highly motivated people. If there's anything I can ever to do be less motivated, I will do so purely as a humanitarian gesture.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

thought of the day 2009 11 23 - I kind of want the world to end in 2012

Not that I necessarily want to see the world come to an end. I mean first off it's the whole world. There's so much culture and so many people who would die. But it's also where I keep all my stuff.

And it's not like a want everyone to die, 'cause lets face it, a world without Jessica Alba, not a world I want to be in.

But I would love to see the world end in 2012 because I love the idea of a bunch of homeless people who spend all day yelling at people and pissing themselves just be able to turn to some lawyer on the street, right at the point of Armageddon and just go "See! This is what I'm saying...that's right, we're all screwed. SUCK IT BITCH! I WAS RIGHT!" I want for them to be right just once.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

thought of the day 2009 11 22 - cat food

So I'm in the supermarket today and I don't own a cat but I walked past the pet food and there's beef flavored cat food. That just seems wrong. It's unnatural. Fish I can understand, chicken I can understand. In theory those are two types of animals that cat could, in theory, kill and eat. But when was the last time you saw Garfield exsanguinate (vocab word bitches!) a cow?

Your goldfish would certainly get devoured but there isn't a fucking house cat in the would be able to eat a cow. No, beef flavored cat food just seems like the makers of Friskies are trying to be charitable to old people. It's their PR and marketing team going, "Look granny, we know you're going to eat it, so we'll at least flavor it so that your Kal Kan Kasserole tastes remotely like you could have possibly made it with hamburger helper.

thought of the day 2009 11 21 - 80's music

I've been listening to 80's music all day and I've to the following three conclusions

1. I miss the synthesizer. I mean damn but Starship could rock the synth. I'm just saying.

2. David Paich (from Toto? Seriously, I'm not that old) just have been tripping acid the entire two decades from the 70's through the 80's. I mean shit, have you listened to the lyrics for Africa?

"I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way,
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say, Hurry boy, It's waiting there for you"

what the hell is that supposed to mean? It's like he took random phrases right out of his ass and just strung them together to a melody.

3. We need MORE COWBELL!!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

thought of the day 2009 11 20 - Cheetos

I had my first Cheetos for the first time in a very long time today. The puffy ones. I prefer the crunchy ones but whatever, they're Cheetos. They're unhealthy, uber tasty and inspiring to boot.

I now have a new goal in life. Next time I have to take a physical, I'm going to eat a whole bag of Cheetos, rub one out then go visit the doctor and freak him the hell out. I think it'll be a nice change of pace, I mean really when was the last time your GP or Internal med guy saw a neon orange cock?

Monday, November 09, 2009

thought of the day 2009 11 19 - God's creatures are tasty

How come biblical creatures associated with God are all tasty but biblical creatures associated with the devil are things you'd only eat if you were really really hungry in a third world country?

Lambs. Damn tasty. Snakes, not so tasty and quite often poisonous. Easter bunnies = rabbit stew = damn tasty. Goats....I'd watch an Afghani fuck one before I ate one.

Does this not seem strange? Like why would God want you to eat his animal representations? If I was a supreme deity I'd make my animal symbols off limits or just damn hard hard to eat, or at the very least, not very tasty. The Indians did it and they have awesome curry. Cows? Sacred. No steak for you! Hindus have elephants, have you ever tried to eat an elephant? I mean, not that I have I'm just saying...I tried to plan this thing once where I'd have a barbecue in the zoo and the logistics involved....mass craziness ensues. So what's with the Christian God and all the tasty symbols. Dammit, now I want lamb chops....

thought of the day 2009 11 18 - Obama

How exactly does "Obama's trying to do too much" make an effective criticism? He's the fucking President, shouldn't he be doing too much? Would you prefer he take a vacation? When he steps out of the oval office for a cigarette, I'm like "hey, you're the fucking President, get your ass back in the White House!" Bush set a new record for the number of vacation days taken by a President. How did that one go? Exactly motherfuckers. Obama's not trying to do to much, unless he's also going to cure cancer and bring us the flying car, he needs to be doing more, not less. Nation of fucking slackers.

thought of the day 2009 11 17 - conductors

You know what I'd like to see, a world famous conductor who accidentally trips. Like he was in a rush to get to the concert and he worse shoes one size too big and in the middle of Concerto Allegro in D minor he stumbles a little bit. Not a bunch; not to where the whole audience would notice, but just enough so that all the people in the orchestra screw up. They're all so fixated on the stupid wand and they're so well trained they're like robots so they see him trip and they all play the wrong note or something. I would love to see that.

Well maybe not all of them because you know there's the one guy who's like the "maverick" in the orchestra and everybody else keeps telling him, "dammit Sebastian, you need to learn to play the game, you need to watch the wand, you're a fine musician but you can't just follow the music as it was written. this is why you're still third chair cello." So there's everybody else who fucks up a note when the maestro trips and then there's Sebastian who was the only one in the entire concert who played it correctly.

Either that or I'd like to see what an orchestra conductor would do at an air guitar contest.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

thought of the day 2009 11 16 - Willy Wonka

Doesn't Willy Wonka seem kind of like a guy you'd see on a Dateline "to catch a predator" episode, trying to lure kids with candy? It's creepy right?

Friday, November 06, 2009

thought of the day 2009 11 15 - Sequels never written

1. Suicide
2. Crack Dens for Dummies.
3. If I Did It. Part 2 - getting back your stolen property by OJ Simpson.

thought of the day 2009 11 14 - rocket science

Do you ever wonder, when a bunch of NASA rocket scientists get together to launch for some difficult project, like getting a probe to Mars, they're all sitting around a table working on some impossible problem, there's got to be one asshole in the group who says "c'mon guys, this can't be that hard, it's not goddamn rocket science!!!!" I bet there is. Of course maybe if he's less of an asshole he'll say something like "this isn't brain surgery!" and then he has an aneurysm and has to get brain surgery and he goes in for a visit the doctor and the doctor's like "oh yeah, we do this all the time. I mean, it' not rocket science."

thought of the day 2009 11 13 - History as it was meant to be

How come when we tell stories about notable people it's always like they had some great destiny? Like the first women to get university degrees or the first black man to vote. At the time it wasn't like it was destiny, I'm sure. There may have been a bunch of women sitting around talking about how it's "clear that" the universities should let them take exams and graduate with degrees but it obviously wasn't that clear and it's not like it was preordained. Like, I'm sure there's some guy out there right now who's scheming on a way to punch a dolphin or legalize yak fucking, and that's not destiny, that's just a guy who doesn't like how things are now. If legalized yak fucking is somehow destiny, I think I'll need a lot more scotch.

thought of the day 2009 11 12 - Battle for hearts and minds

Still fighting in Afghanistan and no really decision from Obama on what the short or long term plan is. We're still apparently still deep in the "battle for hearts and minds." Which is fine I guess but it just seems like bad marketing. Doesn't the "Battle for Hearts and Minds" sound like something that happens when Dracula and Frankenstein's monster start fighting over victims?

thought of the day 2009 11 11 - Stonehenge

Discover Channel was running this thing on Stonehenge. Kinda neat, nobody really has an idea of why or how it was built. That's cool. Personally, I like to think that somewhere, back in time, there was this really smart family of architect pigs, and this evil wolf. And the first pig built a strawhenge but the wold blew it down, and the second pig built a woodhenge but the wold blew it down, and then the third pig built a stonehenge and damn if that didn't just do the trick. I have to say, as far as henges go, Stonehenge is pretty fucking neat.

thought of the day 2009 11 10 - African Debt

Had a chance to go through some back issues of the Economist while I sat in the doctor's office and there was this bunch of articles about African debt. How come Africa doesn't just tell the rest of the world to go fuck itself? I mean really, what's the world bank going to do? Repossess Africa? Is there a debt collection agency around that's going to call a tow truck to take a fucking continent? So I think the next time the IMF or World Bank comes calling, they should have a James Bond style villain sitting behind a desk going "Really Mr. Bond? You expect me to pay back this loan. Fuck you." And then push a button that opens a trap door to a tank full of rabid hyenas.

thought of the day 2009 11 09 - best dinner party EVER

Somebody asked me the other day who I would invite to a party. I didn't have a really good answer at the time, but after thinking about it, I would invite the following: Oprah Winfrey, Yoko Ono, Isla Fisher, Uma Thurman and Al Gore. Purely for the introductions. I would love to sit around a table and introduce everyone.

"Oprah, Yoko. Yoko, Oprah."
"Yoko, Isla. Isla, Yoko"
"Emma, Oprah. Oprah, Emma".
"And everybody, this is Al."

And then probably Bill Clinton too, because Bill Clinton is a pimp.

thought of the day 2009 11 08 - right of way

I was walking down the street yesterday and had to move out of the way on the narrow sidewalk because there was a lady pushing a stroller coming up the street. I had to do it again when I passed a guy in a wheelchair. Now I'm kind of wondering, if there's a guy in a wheelchair and a lady pushing a stroller who happen to cross on a narrow sidewalk, who has the right of way? Does the guy in the wheelchair have to scoot off to the side? Or does the lady with the stroller have to turn around and go the other way?

thought of the day 2009 11 07 - Engineers

I'm an engineer, I even have an engineering degree. It was pointed out to me recently that there aren't many women in engineering. This is true. In fact, I can recall when I was at university, there the male to female ratio in engineering classes was pretty dismal. I'm pretty damn sure that for some of the people in there though, the goal for engineering was to figure out a way to make a robot girlfriend. After all, somebody has to be the guy who invents the Austin Powers Fembot. That is the dream....

Sunday, November 01, 2009

thought of the day 2009 11 06 - East Africa

Back in July of this year (2009) East Africa got it's first undersea fiber optic cable landed. I only caught this recently but being that I'm in the telecom industry it kind of surprised me. Anyway, what I realize now is that this means the next time I get an email from some Nigerian telling me about how he's got $18 M in a bank and trying to scam me, that email might be from an actual Nigerian. That, to me, is a very nice thought.