Thursday, March 27, 2014


I like your perfume, I'm simply saying that I'd like it just as much if you covered yourself in scratch and sniff stickers of chocolate chip cookies and maybe even more if you smelled like pastrami.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Breaking News

I would pay much greater attention to breaking news if it was more like Breaking Bad.


My problem with karaoke is that about half of you should be singing in a different key and the other half of you should be singing in a different city, far, far away from me.


You can keep your goddamn "air quotes" to yourself. I don't like implied subtext or imaginary punctuation. Plus if you're going to have air quotes you damn well better have an air exclamation point or at least some smog parentheses or a fog question mark for when it's not entirely clear how big of an idiot you are when you just make up atmospheric punctuation.

Internet outage

Apologies to my customers for today's outage. One of our employee's tried to Google for Google and the Internet implded.

Sunday, March 02, 2014


I have this great new idea. An advice line where you can call in 24x7 with a question and get advice from a Kardashian...

There were a bunch of different ways I was going to finish that thought but I'm not sure which one is the least appropriate seriously, a Kardashian
...and then you do the exact opposite
...because I believe in natural selection and I think the planet is overpopulated
...because a Lohan would be too expensive
...and we use the list of callers to determine who is no longer allowed to vote. Ever.
...and then I realized it wouldn't make any money because the people with disposable income don't call anymore. So it would have to be an iPhone App.