Friday, June 26, 2015


I think of marriage as a long-term bet between people. See if I was to get married, it’s because someday, I want someone to find my dead body someday before it’s just a desiccated corpse discovered by a Jehovah’s Witness. And I think that if I was to get married, my wife would be looking for the same. So it becomes a bet between two people about who’s going to die first. And the loser gets to spend the waning months of their life hoping not to be eaten by stray animals. That’s why I think people have kids. Hedging their bets. #lovewins

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Today is a holiday in Canada

Obligatory Happy Father's Day message aside, this has kind of got to suck for other holidays. Technically today was also International Yoga Day. I guess in theory, you could combine the two and take your dad to yoga class with you. If it's full of women in shorts, that would probably go over as well as, if not better than, any kind of lame-ass tie, or whatever else you got your dad at the last minute because mom reminded you on Friday.

But it was also Go Skateboarding Day and unless your dad is Tony Hawk, getting your dad on a skateboard is probably just a way to try and get on America's Funniest Home Videos. Okay wait, is that show even on anymore? Probably not, that's basically YouTube, right? Nobody's going to give you $10,000 on YouTube. Fuck that's an old reference though. I feel old now. Guess that's also part of being a dad.

It's also National Aboriginal Day if you're in Canada. Though if you could be anywhere else at all, from a cardboard box on the streets of Mogadishu to the back of your crack dealer’s van in Rio, I bet you wouldn’t be in Canada. So imagine that you're an aboriginal in the great white north and you get one day of recognition each year where your protests over poor treatment and government abuse might get some news coverage. Instead, you get pushed out of every news cycle by the same lame human-interest Father's Day stories that have been covered for years in Montreal or...or...shit, I can't think of any other cities in Canada. Vancouver? That's in Canada right? Or Washington State? Whatever, close enough. What was I saying, something about Canada right? God I don't know why we let you be a country?!?!

It's also International Surfing Day, which is something dad might like, or at least something I might like. But does that get any coverage today? Nope. Dammit fathers, stop hogging all the attention.

On Dudeliness

I think either the new water heater is providing slightly higher pressure or maybe the air that was in the lines for a day did something to the coupling at the valve under my sink. For whatever reason, my kitchen sink started leaking right after the new heater got installed. Now it’s not a particularly complicated job nor is it technically my problem to fix as I’m renting, but I decided to change out the kitchen sink faucet today. Theoretically, this should take maybe 20 minutes to remove a few nuts and swap out the fixtures. Though admittedly, it helps if your “adjustable wrench” can actually adjust to necessary size so you don’t have to use a pair of pliers like a goddamn idiot. But I digress. $30 and 45 min. later, I get the sense of self-accomplishment that comes with doing something “handy”, albeit fairly simple, on my own. Whether it was a Father’s Day miracle or just my normal level of Dudeness or perhaps a surge of awesome from my overwhelming reservoir, I got that sense of satisfaction of a job well done. A few minutes of cleanup under and around the sink and I proceeded to jump in the shower to clean away the gunk that had fallen on me, well, mostly on my face, while I was lying under the sink. As I proceeded to rinse off my face, I took a swallow of water which proceeded, ironically, down the wrong pipe and I think I nearly choked to death in the shower. So in the span of a few short minutes I went from feeling very proud of myself to nearly dying in a way that even someone with Down syndrome would look at and think was pretty fucking retarded.

There was a point I was trying to make here, which started out as kind of a “done be afraid to do something yourself” kind of thing and sort of morphed into a Dateline special about the dangers of how things in your bathroom might kill you. I don’t know exactly what I was going for here except to say this: You maybe don’t need a license to swap out a faucet fixture but you should probably be SCUBA certified if you decide to take a shower. Oh, and when you’re fucking around under a sink, wear eye protection. That’s just good practice, you don’t want the combination of WD-40, old plumber’s putty and whatever is growing under the nylon nut you just loosened to fall onto your cornea.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Bob the Hun

It’s a bit of a shame that the only Hun we know of is Attila. He kind of gives all Huns a bit of a bad rap. I’m sure there’s a bunch of Huns who just go about their business and probably resent it a little bit being lumped in there with Attila. It’d be like if in the future, the only American that people know of is Donald Trump and he’s the only reference point people have for Americans. I’m sure there were a bunch of just regular Huns, like Bob the Hun who lived a perfectly happy life a plumber. And I would hire him, not just to break the stereotype but because my water heater is broken and I’m too cheap to get a gym membership so I can take a hot shower.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Ted's Disease

Dyslexic isn’t really a very easy word to spell. And if you happen to be dyslexic you’re probably not all that great at spelling to begin with so really you’re just adding insult to, well, not exactly injury, but still. They should make it Ted’s Disease. There must be a least one dyslexic out there named Ted. And doesn't he deserve some recognition of the difficulty of living with Ted's Disease? Lou Gehrig has his own disease. Huntington’s, Parkinson’s; Ted’s Disease is much easier to spell than any of those. So they should call it Ted’s Disease. Well, except it’s not really a disease. And “disease” isn’t really that easy to spell either. It’s shorter than the word “syndrome”, though I don’t know if that necessarily makes it easier to spell. Plus it’s only shorter by one letter so it’s not like it would save you a ton of time if you were tying it out. Or even worse, writing it out longhand. I guess I’m at a loss then, not really sure what to call it. We’re kinda fucked. Maybe that’s what they should call it. Ted’s Fucked. It would be a great inspiration for all the eighth graders who can’t spell the word "eighth", “Timmy, can you please read from page 4?”….”Sorry miss, I can’t read well, I’ve got Ted’s Fucked.”

Thursday, June 11, 2015


You do realize that once medical science finds a cure for cancer, God’s just going to create something worse than cancer don’t you? So when I donate to charities, I give to the ones that are for cancer.

Tuesday, June 09, 2015


In the event of the apocalypse, I don’t know that I would want to survive. I’m not the kind of person who would last all that long in the world of The Walking Dead, but I’m not sure I would want to be anyway. There is one thing I would like to survive long enough to see though. Before the world ends in some nuclear holocaust or we get taken down by some hybrid smallpox-ebloa-bird-flu-swine-flu-dog-flu-stop-fucking-these-animals-and-you-probably-won’t-get-sick-flu I want like an hour to read through the final Facebook posts of people. Some of them would be pictures of a half-eaten donut, some of them would be witty. A few would probably be lyrically oratorical and poetic. I think my last post before the end of the world would just be “well…fuck…”

Friday, June 05, 2015


I was a registered Democrat. But I’ve recently come to a new political philosophy. I don’t think it has a name yet, but it’s very easy. We have a simple platform. Kind of like the Republicans have a tendency to think that cutting taxes will solve everything, we have one solution to pretty much all major issues of the day: you know those warnings that say “don’t try this at home.” They go away. In fact, we encourage everyone who wants to, to try that at home. Whatever it was, give it a whirl. Think that bath salts sound like fun? Go for it. Watched a YouTube clip of someone in one of those wing suits? Try one from your roof. Those tightrope walkers are pretty impressive right? You’ve been sitting on a couch for six hours. I’m sure that’s sufficient training.