Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Movies, Valkyrie and Twilight

So the girlfriend decided she wanted to see a movie tonight. Whatever, I usually just wait for the DVD or steal the movie online (BitTorrent is my bitch) but okay, fine, I can go for some fake butter and ginormous soda;

So I go look for what movies are playing. Now half of these movies I don't even have a clue about. Haven't even heard of them and, quite frankly, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" I have no fucking intention of even looking at the showtimes. I'll wait for it to come out on DVD and give it out for next Halloween so the kids have something that sucks more than those pink bubble gum things and makes them appreciate just how awesome their Mr. Goodbars are.

But I digress. So I go look and there's a movie called Valkyrie playing. The title sounds interesting. I mean I don't expect like a romantic comedy but whatever she's cool like that. So off to IMDB to go look this up. It's a fucking movie with Tom Cruise and a bunch of Nazis.

What the fuck. No, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. Now let's not even get started with the fact that I don't think Tom Cruise could kill Hitler. I mean the only things that Tom Cruise could kill are his career and any chances normal, sane men could have of knocking up Katie Holmes (seriously now, knowing that Tom Cruise was there, would you hit that?). Put aside for a minute the fact that Tom Cruise as a Nazi Colonel is just goddamn ridiculous; I mean the guy is just about as close to the exact opposite of the model master race as you could get. Put aside for a minute the fact that a cycloptic midget would stand a better chance of meeting Snow White in a German forest than he would of killing the German Fuhrer in the heat of WWII.

Put all that shit aside and it's still a HOLIDAY MOVIE ABOUT FUCKING NAZIS. Isn't Hollywood run by Jews? I mean really, what fucking marketing genius thought "Oh, I know, that third night of hanukkah, let's go watch some Nazis" ?

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate not having to sit through Fred Claus or Jingle All The Way, but if you're running a big budget studio and you want to start making people associate the holidays with mass genocide and fascism, man you've got some giant fucking brass ones.

So we ended up seeing Twilight. It's a nice compromise, Vampire movie, but basically a chick flick. I get to think about living forever so I can fucking kill all the customers who've been pissing me off lately and D gets to think about...whatever the fuck she wants. I mean it's a vampire movie, how in the shit you make that romantic only Anne Rice could know. Which is pretty much what the movie was. If Interview with a Vampire was Prada this was definitely the cheap Prado knock-off. Sure, if you're immortal then I suppose a grandmother in her 80's is the equivalent of jailbait, but I mean high school? That's not romantic, it's like vampiric statutory rape. Whatever, fuck it, I fell asleep in part of it anyway so we both walked away happy. I got my giant soda and nap time, she got a movie, all is well with everything.

Except for my fucking wallet. How in the fuck did movie prices get this high? I could wait a few months and get the blu-ray disc on first release for the same price of just the two tickets. Not even counting snacks, parking, dinner before the movie.

The tickets were outrageous. If I calculate my pay per hour the ticket was more expensive than my time and I'm a fucking engineer. That means the seat my fat ass was in was better paid than someone with over a 15 years technology and telecommunications experience. A fold down cushion with built in cup holder is worth more on an hourly basis than an engineering degree. That's right kids, fuck college, grad school, MBA programs, all that shit. Go learn to be something that chubby motherfuckers like myself can rest their asses on in a darkened room. You'll get paid more....Come to think of it, I suppose that description would also fit if you were a stripper and I'm pretty sure they make more than I do so, yeah, that fits.

Alright, now that I'm all worked up and shit. I need a drink. So let's sum it all up. 1) immortal jailbait is greater than midget Nazi. 2) Midget Nazi is greater than seat cushion (lets face it, he DOES make $$$.) 3) Seat cushion is greater than degree holding and certified engineer. 4) Nap time and a giant Pepsi during 1 1/2 hrs. of my life that I'll never get back is better than all that bullshit.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Power Outages Make Me Tired

So starting from last evening there was an island wide power outage here. Kinda amusing. I blame Obama. But I had to get up early to do some stuff for work once the power came back. So I was kinda tired this morning and as I was listening to the radio for things like weather and outage updates I started flipping through stations. I should preface this by saying that since there was no power I haven't had coffee, but as I was listening to the radio it took me a good three or four seconds to realize that I was listening to static and not some hip hop background track. That's right, I mistook FM static for music. That says that 1) music today sucks, 2) I really fucking need coffee, 3) I should be getting paid to do shit that early on a Sat. or D) all of the above.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Cooking Tips 101

I like to cook. I also like personal hygiene. Unfortunately the two don't always mix well. For example, when you're busy because it's Christmas Eve so you're multitasking, it's important to rememer to turn the stove off when you get into the shower. Otherwise you forget that the pork chops are cooking and will have to make a mad, naked dash from the shwoer to the kitchen to take some slightly singed but still damn tasty chops off the burner.

So cooking tip #1: don't fry food naked. Hot oil and uncovered stomachs are not a good combo. Also, don't oversalt your food.

Monday, December 15, 2008


So I was watching one of the Resident Evil DVD's this weekend. Two things. 1) Mila Jovovich is still hot. Not necessarily orange hair and white straps in The Fifth Element hot, but still...

Second, and more importantly, I don't understand zombies. I mean vampires I get. They drink blood, the blood keeps them immortal. I get that. I mean I still wonder what would happen if they didn't drink blood. They're dead right, so what are you going to do, starve to life? But whatever, conceptually I get it. Drink blood, live forever. But zombies don't make sense. They go after brains, but when they eat the brains they don't get any smarter. Like if a zombie could eat brains and gain the collective intelligence of all the people they ate the brains of that would be fucking scary. You have a bunch of the undead walking around with the intelligence to make ray guns and shit. But as it stands, they're slow, they're only effective en mass and they're fucking easy to kill. What's the point? It's like being the kid on the short bus who so badly aspires to be the cripple in the speical olympics that he chops his own leg off. I mean really, what's the fucking point? Zombies aren't scary, they're just kinda lame.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Fucking things up

I've said it before and I really feel the need to reiterate it. It's not that the world needs more smart people, yeah it would be nice, but there's already a lot of smart people. What we really need to secure the future is less stupid people. So please, please remind all the goddamn idiots you see every day that if they want to stop fucking things up they should stop fucking.

I mean look, animals are stupid. Dogs in heat will fuck just about anything that moves and some things that don't. And all you get is more dumb puppies that shit everywhere. Maybe the world just needs to be reminded to spay or neuter its morons.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Jewish Deal or No Deal

Does anybody else thing the Jewish version of "Deal or No Deal" would be way more entertaining than the US version. Not that I've seen a Jewish version of Deal or No Deal but I have to imagine anyone would be better than Howie Mandel. Maybe get some old Jewish lady to host. She can bug the contestants about grandkids and coming to visit her in Florida. And the contestants would try to haggle with the banker. I mean you have to figure they're not going to deal retail right?

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Actors and Models

I get that you find a lot of actors and models living in LA so inevitably, they'll start dating but really now, what would those conversations be like on a date? Like if Russell Crowe started dating Miranda Kerr....oh side note here. I don't actually know the names of the Victoria's Secret models, except for Heidi Klum so Google for the win!....So if Russell Crowe and Miranda Kerr started dating, she'd be all like "oh Russell, I loved in Gladiator." What the hell does he say back? "Oh Miranda, I love you in.....that bikini." How the hell long would that last?