Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Movies, Valkyrie and Twilight

So the girlfriend decided she wanted to see a movie tonight. Whatever, I usually just wait for the DVD or steal the movie online (BitTorrent is my bitch) but okay, fine, I can go for some fake butter and ginormous soda;

So I go look for what movies are playing. Now half of these movies I don't even have a clue about. Haven't even heard of them and, quite frankly, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" I have no fucking intention of even looking at the showtimes. I'll wait for it to come out on DVD and give it out for next Halloween so the kids have something that sucks more than those pink bubble gum things and makes them appreciate just how awesome their Mr. Goodbars are.

But I digress. So I go look and there's a movie called Valkyrie playing. The title sounds interesting. I mean I don't expect like a romantic comedy but whatever she's cool like that. So off to IMDB to go look this up. It's a fucking movie with Tom Cruise and a bunch of Nazis.

What the fuck. No, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. Now let's not even get started with the fact that I don't think Tom Cruise could kill Hitler. I mean the only things that Tom Cruise could kill are his career and any chances normal, sane men could have of knocking up Katie Holmes (seriously now, knowing that Tom Cruise was there, would you hit that?). Put aside for a minute the fact that Tom Cruise as a Nazi Colonel is just goddamn ridiculous; I mean the guy is just about as close to the exact opposite of the model master race as you could get. Put aside for a minute the fact that a cycloptic midget would stand a better chance of meeting Snow White in a German forest than he would of killing the German Fuhrer in the heat of WWII.

Put all that shit aside and it's still a HOLIDAY MOVIE ABOUT FUCKING NAZIS. Isn't Hollywood run by Jews? I mean really, what fucking marketing genius thought "Oh, I know, that third night of hanukkah, let's go watch some Nazis" ?

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate not having to sit through Fred Claus or Jingle All The Way, but if you're running a big budget studio and you want to start making people associate the holidays with mass genocide and fascism, man you've got some giant fucking brass ones.

So we ended up seeing Twilight. It's a nice compromise, Vampire movie, but basically a chick flick. I get to think about living forever so I can fucking kill all the customers who've been pissing me off lately and D gets to think about...whatever the fuck she wants. I mean it's a vampire movie, how in the shit you make that romantic only Anne Rice could know. Which is pretty much what the movie was. If Interview with a Vampire was Prada this was definitely the cheap Prado knock-off. Sure, if you're immortal then I suppose a grandmother in her 80's is the equivalent of jailbait, but I mean high school? That's not romantic, it's like vampiric statutory rape. Whatever, fuck it, I fell asleep in part of it anyway so we both walked away happy. I got my giant soda and nap time, she got a movie, all is well with everything.

Except for my fucking wallet. How in the fuck did movie prices get this high? I could wait a few months and get the blu-ray disc on first release for the same price of just the two tickets. Not even counting snacks, parking, dinner before the movie.

The tickets were outrageous. If I calculate my pay per hour the ticket was more expensive than my time and I'm a fucking engineer. That means the seat my fat ass was in was better paid than someone with over a 15 years technology and telecommunications experience. A fold down cushion with built in cup holder is worth more on an hourly basis than an engineering degree. That's right kids, fuck college, grad school, MBA programs, all that shit. Go learn to be something that chubby motherfuckers like myself can rest their asses on in a darkened room. You'll get paid more....Come to think of it, I suppose that description would also fit if you were a stripper and I'm pretty sure they make more than I do so, yeah, that fits.

Alright, now that I'm all worked up and shit. I need a drink. So let's sum it all up. 1) immortal jailbait is greater than midget Nazi. 2) Midget Nazi is greater than seat cushion (lets face it, he DOES make $$$.) 3) Seat cushion is greater than degree holding and certified engineer. 4) Nap time and a giant Pepsi during 1 1/2 hrs. of my life that I'll never get back is better than all that bullshit.


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