Alternative Timelines

 Sometimes you have to wonder what it would be like if you chose a different career path. Like, what if there was a TV show called Walker, Texas Comptroller.

Soundtracks

Has anybody seen that sequel to A Quiet Place yet? I'm told they find a "weakness" for the monsters and I want to know if it's like the end of Mars Attacks! where they figure out that listening to Tom Jones' It's Not Unusual makes the aliens' heads literally explode. 

Because that's how all movies should be resolved. 

All the Bond movies, every impossible mission that Tom Cruise still somehow gets you to shell out money to see even though you know it's possible. Every sequel Vin Diesel has to play Tom Jones 1x faster and more furious to save the planet from Cheb Chelios, or whatever. Bridget Jones love life gets sorted by Tom and his Jones. Hans Gruber, top of the Nakatomi building, blown out the window by huge speakers blaring It's Not Unusual. Synder Cut ends after an hour and 20 min. when Batman scares them back through the portal with Tom Jones on repeat. Andy hangs himself in Shawshank after someone switches out the warden's classical records with Tom Jones. Luke, Tom Jones is your father. It's Not Unusual scares away all the birds. Turns out, inside the lost ark, Indiana Jones finds a Tom Jones LP and uses it to defeat the Nazis. 

THIS. IS. HOW. ALL. MOVIES. SHOULD. BE. RESOLVED.

EDIT: Apparently my memory of mid-90's B-movie comedy/sci-fi is failing as it turns out the song was Slim Williams "Indian Love Call" that made the aliens' heads explode. Which makes for a much less interesting end to any movie. Except, maybe, Rocky.

Father's Day 2

 What's even the point of being a father if I have to wake up and make my own coffee?

Father's Day

 Ahead of Mother's Day I got advertised to constantly, from damn near everyone.

If it wasn't for Best Buy, I think I might have forgotten that Father's Day even existed.

Really, what they should do is put little reminders about upcoming important dates like bumpers between clips on PornHub. Like, "Don't forget, your taxes are due next week. Up next, some lesbian porn" or "Administrative Assistant's Day is coming up. Here's a naughty secretary." 

But I digress..

Bipartisanship

 Look, I think we all can agree, both major political parties, that it's simply unacceptable for Joe Biden to try to make aviator sunglasses cool again. He must be stopped.