Thursday, January 16, 2014

Bad Day

Everybody has a bad day. After today I want the next Superman movie to be about him having a bad day. Some bank robber catches him in a crappy mood and he throws a house at them. Or he just gets pissy and an lights an oil tanker. I would relate to that.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Domestic Spying

I was watching some news program over the weekend and PRISM and the NSA came up again. I can understand the privacy concerns, sort of. There are some things I’d want to keep secret from the NSA, not because they’re illegal or even necessarily embarrassing, just because I like keeping secrets from the NSA. 

Thing is, on TV people were all angry about the “domestic spying’ and illegal surveillance. You know what though, I feel sorry for the NSA agents. Can you imagine how many ridiculous phone calls between Ashlee, Britney, Brittany, Ashley, Ashleigh and Janice they had to listen to? There’s, like, totes got to be literally billions of hours of texts with all their private thoughts and whatever. I feel sorry for the analysts that had to sort through all those conversations.

 Not that I’m trying to help the terrorists, but on the off chance I ever have to flee justice, all of my cell phones will be cloned from those of teenage girls. I guarantee any agent over the age of 25 having to monitor those lines will give up or become mentally unhinged after a couple hours.

 There’s also a joke in here about deleting any incidental selfies because I’m old, not old and creepy, but to be honest, I’m okay with old and creepy.

Saturday, January 11, 2014


I bet being wolverine at Thanksgiving sucks. You always have to carve the turkey and it's impossible to completely get the smell of cranberries out of Adamantium.


There must be a dentist out there with enough of a sense of humor to refer to it as a "cavity search" right? Of course if they did call it that, I'm not sure if that would make a trip to the dentist more or less appealing.

Thursday, January 09, 2014

Great Outdoors

I don't like the term "Great Outdoors" There's rain, hail, snow, tornadoes and shit wifi signal. Calling it great just seems a bit arrogant to me.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

The world has created a thing called vegan leather which I'm pretty sure means the word is doomed by human stupidity

Occasionally I like the ads on web pages because they wake me up. Like the ad for "vegan leather" I just saw. There's the Seinfeld joke about dry cleaning that comes to mind. But the marketing BS of "vegan" leather aside, I like the idea of people trying to protect animals buying stuff dependent on a mix of chemicals which cause greater damage to the earth, thereby hurting booth plants and animals.

A bunny that somehow lays chicken eggs gets one day of the year. Heck, bacon gets a day and bacon comes from animals :) Jews get like a week for Hanukkah and despite all that Earth gets one day. "The oil lasted longer than we thought it would" outweighs THE EARTH.

So I applaud vegan leather, not just for the marketing genius that is taking something 100% animal and making it vegan, but for screwing with the planet more in the process. All in pursuit of selling shiny objects to uuppie women.