Thursday, August 28, 2008

It's 2 AM...what are you watching on TV?

Me? I'm watching a commercial for the Vagisil Screening Kit. It's a home diagnosis kit for things that are itching you vagina.

Yep, that's right, there's now a home kit so that you pee on a stick or swab something know what I don't even fucking know what you would have to do, but it's now possible to sit in the discomfort of your own home and figure out if that itching is crabs or syphilis.

First of I have to say syphilis is actually a pretty decent sounding name for such a fucked up STD. If I was Greek I could see naming my first-born daughter syphilis. Which, considering that it gives you rashes and chancre sores, is pretty fucked up right there.

But more than that, I have some serious questions about this product overall. I mean first off, if the only commercials you run are at 2 AM, your marketing team should be fucking shot. Buy some decent ad time, but more than that, what the hell is the market for something like this?

I mean, I'm not a big fan of doctors and I'll avoid the doctors office whenever possible but I like to think that if my junk is red and swollen I'm going to go see my general practitioner. I'm not going to be relying on some pee-on-a-stick home test just so I can hear "guess what honey, Vagisil says that it's only crabs! Boy was that close. I guess we can relax now"

And to top it all off, I really don't need to be seeing this on TV. I mean don't get me wrong. I'm all for information and making sure people understand their own medical health but google something and go see a fucking doctor. I have no desire whatsoever to know details about how you might be able to detect a yeast infection vs. a urinary tract infection. Quite frankly, some things I just don't want to know.

And lets be clear here, it's not sexist. I don't want to be seeing the Viagra ads either. I don't want to see senior citizens pracing across the TV screen or Bob Dole talking about how he can go all night. These are not images I need in my fucking head. The mental image of a wrinkled hard dick are about as appealing as the mental image of an infected pussy. These are not thoughts I need when I'm trying to go to sleep.

so please, Vagisil, Monistat and basically any douche product (because you all tend to remind me of some of the people I work with), knock it the fuck off. Keep your ads on daytime TV during Oprah where they belong. If you must play some feminine hygiene ads at 2 AM, make it the tampon ads or the ads for the pads with the "wings" at least those people seem young, happy and lively.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Airplane Safety

So I flew to Maui last week and on the way over I was in one of the emergency exit rows. Figured I might as well go through the safety card since I forgot all my reading material and MP3 player in my baggage. You know waht I noticed? The people in those safety cards are way too calm for people that are about to die in a horrible plane crash. The lady putting on the life vest looks pretty fucking mellow for someone about to drown, the guy lifting the exit door is, well okay, first he's just promoting a sterotype that only a guy can lift a door even though the Samoan chick sitting next to me probably could have punched the fucking door off the plane and thrown my fat ass out of the exit, but more than that, the guy lifting he door is pretty fucking composed for someone who just had to assume the crash position.

I'd like to see them draw the cards like real people would look. Some guy doubled over in his seat, weeping like a little bitch while breathing into the mask thing. Or some lady getting thrown overboard because the heels on her shoes punctured the life raft, shit like that.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

2008 Olympics

ok yeah so the olympics are going on, yay. woo. yahoo. Phelps can swim, blah, blah, woof, woof.

But for anyone who watched the opening ceremony, didn't those 2008 drummers scare the shit out of you? I mean, first off it's 2000 fucking people in a drum line all dressed in red, all marching in unison. If someone in the New England in the 1770's saw that, they'd say "fuck it, the Brits with the squinty eyes win." And to top it off, I think all of them were smiling at the camera. I suppose it was meant to be freindly and all but it was creepy. Two thousand fucking drummers smiling at know 1800 of those guys are thinking "ha ha, all your clothes and computers and car parts are made in our factories and you're fucked!" and the other 208 of them are thinking "you like-a dat dinna plate with-a da flied lice? or with-a da chow mein?" It's a huge fucking army of drummers who could have just have swept through Vietnam and spread communism across all of southeast Asia except they're a few decades too late....and they're grinning at me.

and if you're not freaked to all hell about that, replace the drums with pitchforks and tell you wouldn't shit your pants?