Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Apps

New app idea: OttoTune, it makes every song sound like it's being sung by an angry German.

Okay, somebody go and make that now.

Anthems

"Gallantly streaming" sounds like how you're supposed to binge West Wing episodes on Netflix. Just sayin'

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Playlists

First off, let me just say that the background music playing at Walmart, has a pretty good playlist. I even found myself humming and singing along. So I am officially old.

But more importantly, how fucking difficult is it for you to return your goddamn carts properly? If I left those carts in the middle of the parking lot exit, you’d have a goddamn fit, but I’m forced to deal with a phalanx of like eight goddamn shopping carts blocking the walkway because you’re too fucking lazy to spend thirty fucking seconds to return it properly? Fucking animals. You spent longer than that waiting in the checkout line without resorting to societal fucking anarchy didn’t you? Suddenly we’re outside and you devolve into a Cro-Magnon? “Me no need return cart. Me no believe in order or rules of polite society. Me piss on your shopping cart return.” There is a single justifiable reason I can think of for not returning your shopping cart: if you’re elderly and using a walker, you can do whatever the fuck you want. It can take a while to return a cart when you’re using a walker and when you’re an octogenarian buying a couple of graduation lei or whatever, you just don’t have that kind of time left. You get a pass. But there can’t possibly be that many old people with walkers shopping at a Walmart on a Sunday night. Everybody else, act like a normal fucking adult in normal fucking society and put that shit back correctly.

Lastly, and I say this as someone who has decades of experience working with computers and networks, who’s done network and endpoint security, IDS/IPS and even been party to identity fraud in the past: WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH SWIPING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Seriously, that goddamn card reader beeps louder than my neighbor's cat fucking, and I am in no demonstrable way ‘safer’. Chip and PIN might be safer, but we don’t have that, so if someone stole my card or I drop my wallet, the card is still just as usable as with the magnetic stripe. Online purchases don’t check the chip either so……what was so bad about swiping that necessitated that stupid chip reader making noises like I'm a pedophile in a preschool? Even when I physically have to hand a cashier my card, like in a restaurant they rarely check my ID, even though I have “ASK FOR ID” written in the signature section on the back. Chip reader doesn’t solve that either, This isn’t a safety thing, this is a “my life is too quiet I needed more beeping things in my world” thing. I still have the magnetic stripe on my card, no reason it doesn’t still work, so someone please tell me, what was so goddamn bad about swiping that I needed to adjust the way I was already doing shit for years? Somebody? Anybody?

P.S. Get off my digital lawn.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Part Time Work

If you work for the Department of Fish and Wildlife, but you only work with the fish and not the wildlife, do you only have to come in to work half the time?

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Endorsements

I don't know if this is an endorsement, but I exclusively use napkins I grab from Starbucks when I need a tissue and I'm running around early in the morning. No, screw that, this IS an endorsement, Starbucks' napkins are the best.

Saturday, May 05, 2018

Add To Wish List

Amazon thinks I need a Frida Kahlo barbie doll. I think Amazon needs to lay off the weed for the rest of the day.

Tax Cuts

Okay, wait, I thought President Trump was rich, why is his porn star hush money on a payment plan? Is he fucking on layaway now? Shit, I guess he did need those tax breaks.

Tuesday, May 01, 2018

Partial Credit

I used to get partial credit on exams, how come when I buy a bunch of apples and leave them in the fridge I don't get partial credit for being healthy?