Sunday, September 21, 2014

Sense of Reality

Usually my Sunday mornings are for Meet the Press and catching up on some news with fresh coffee, maybe cleaning, maybe some grocery shopping. Instead today I was catching up on a couple of movies I had wanted to see a while ago. This is probably going to sound worse than it does in my head, and it already sounds kind of bad in my head. But you know those people who just screw up the curve for everyone? Yeah, nobody should look as good as Kate Upton does coming out of a pool. Really water of any kind. I mean seriously; there’s a part of me that kind of hopes everything that has Kate Upton in it is so heavily photoshopped as to be unrecognizable. If only to ensure my sense of reality isn’t warped (more than it already is).

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

White Power

I think we should co-opt the “White Power” moniker and start putting together a plan to just burn neo-Nazi’s as a renewable, alternative fuel source to power trains. Not just because of the ideology, though that certainly doesn’t help, but because their definitions are confusing.

At various points and places in American history, the Irish, Italians, Germans, Russians, pretty much everyone, has been persecuted as ‘unwanted’, so how do you define "white"? Isn't there more specificity involved? Consider that as a general rule, most of the white supremacists don’t like the Jews. Have you seen most American Jews? I think I’m safe in saying that they’re generally pretty pasty of complexion. I disagree on principle with their very poorly defined slogans and marketing.

Though admittedly, I think we can all agree, fuck the French.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014


I'm glad that Kryptonians weren't just really good cooks and we didn't just end up with Supperman. Though I am kind of disappointed I still haven't seen a creme brulee made with laser eyes.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Hedgehogs and chickens

I was going through old files I had and came across this Harvard report from the 90's. It appears some nerd at Harvard Medical may have solved for the annual buffalo wing shortage that comes with each NFL season.

There's a protein called (and I'm not making this up, you can Google this) "sonic hedgehog" that's largely responsible for limb development. If we so wanted, we could probably create chickens with like 20 wings each. Not that I'm all gung ho about the GMO foods, but I think someone should put money into this IMMEDIATELY.

Also, I wish I had paid more attention in biology classes, did this get mentioned while I was asleep? Someone should have woken me up with this news.

Sunday, September 14, 2014


Are there any other kinds of figments besides imaginary? Is there maybe a figment of my excessive hydration or a figment of my intelligence? I'd hate to imagine that as a species we're limiting ourselves when there are other available figments.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Because I'm a fucking adult

It’s fun how you can use the phrase “ because I’m a fucking adult” to imply very different things about yourself, even when spoken with the same inflections.

If I want dinner to consist of a glass of wine and three macaroons, I can because I’m a fucking adult.

If I happen to be looking for a new pair of shoes for work and the kid in the store asks me “with or without laces” I have to reply “with laces please, because I’m a fucking adult.”

And then there’s the forty-five minutes mulling over how I might convince this blonde to come home with because it’s been a while since I’ve been a fucking adult.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014


Ebola, MS, AML, Kuru, the goddamn flu. Why are all the diseases so fucking annoying? This makes me question any "intelligent design" or divine intervention and science at the same time. Given all the possible combinations of genetic material, there should be at least one fun disease where like, every time you sneeze you have an orgasm. And your Rx is for pollen and pepper or whatever. But the lack of even one fun disease means we've been failed by both God and statistical probability. And until you can get bitten by something and grow bigger boobs I will maintain this position.