Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Spiderman vs. Giraffeman

If Spiderman got his powers being bitten by a radioactive spider, I would like to see someone bitten by a radioactive giraffe. Maybe he couldn't leap over tall buildings in a single bound, but he could certainly see over them.

Grows on Trees

Do you think that money grows on trees?....Well yeah, have you seen how much a goddamn cup of coffee costs now? So yeah, I kind of do think that money grows on trees.

Mountain Dew

Dear God, thank you for Mountain Dew. Bless the hands that have prepared it as it nourishes our bodies and allows us to tolerate one more day at this bullshit job.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Historical Tweets

I guess the reason why I don't like Twitter is that I don't like the idea of having history chronicled by Tweet. It's not something I can easily fit into a historical context. Can you imagine Twitter at the battle of Waterloo? It would just be a bunch of Frenchmen going “Oui are so fucked”. Or at the WWII siege of St. Petersburg you'd have these 140 character strings of Russians being depressed. And you can't limited a depressed, existential Russian to 140 characters. Look how long Brothers Karamazov is.

Birthday Good Fats

So I ate a steak for my birthday and I’m okay with that. Now at that dinner, the girl I was with was trying to explain to me that steak is bad and blah blah blah. Bullshit. Steak is a good fat. And I know some of the more conscientious types might argue that good fats come from things like walnuts and olive oil, but I disagree. The fat from that New York strip, tasted awesome and that makes it about as good as any fat could be.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


So there's an irritable bowel syndrome, but what about the rest of the GI system? Is there an aloof colon syndrome? Or an aggressive sphincter disorder? Or an indecisive prostate disease? 'cause I think I have all of those.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Any Time.

Look, you're being too much of a literalist here. It's an expression. When I say "any time" I don't actually mean "any" time. I really mean, when I'm bored of watching the MacGyver box set and you have some sort of baked good. Then I can help you with your web site.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Cat Food

You know what's bullshit? Beef flavored cat food. Chicken, fish, these are things that theoretically a cat could take down. Pigeon or rat would be more appropriate; or lasagna if we're talking Garfield, but when was the last time a house cat took down a steer?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Anderson Cooper

If I was ever to see Anderson Cooper in real life, I will run away as fast as fucking possible. Not because I dislike him, but because if he's there, you know some crazy shit is going down and it's entirely likely that someone is going to die; it might be a little selfish, but that's not going to be me.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Things to Try

They say that you should try to find some common interests with your partner, find things you both like, have in common, etc. And to be honest, my birthday is coming up, which I like to use as an excuse to try new things. So maybe I should try banging a dude?

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Hypothetical Question

Sat next to a rather deeply Christian family at lunch yesterday. At least I like to think they were Christians. Anyway, the lady I assume was the mother in the family was visibly pregnant. Which prompted me to consider, purely hypothetically because I don't think the world needs more deeply devout Christians, I know it's wrong to drink if you're pregnant, but is it wrong to drink while pregnant if you plan on having an abortion anyway?

Book Store Monopoly

So I went to a Borders yesterday, not really realizing that they were going out of business. Everything was on sale which was nice. They even had the board game Monopoly. Which made me wonder why the hell is Baltic less expensive than Connecticut? It's in a much better location, right next to Go where you get paid. And Connecticut is right next to the jail. In real fucking life, you tell me if the property values next to a prison are higher than the property value next to the bank headquarters? Baltic is right around the corner from Boardwalk. Unless you're at like the USC campus, you don't go around the corner and make such a huge jump in tax brackets. That's just bullshit.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011


Had one of my regular lunches today, piroscki. Which is Russian and therefore best of combined with absurd amounts of alcohol, and is basically meat and cheese in fried dough. So pretty much the only way it could be less healthy is if there was a sauce for it made out of arsenic.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011


If I was to own a bar, it would be called In My Living Room.

Where ere we going to get drunk tonight? In my living room.

Come down and meet us for a drink in my living room.

Did you see that chick I met in my living?

On second thought, I really want to call the bar "in my pants"

Cartoon Conspiracy

You never saw the Jetsons exercise and they got taken everywhere by conveyor belt and flying car, yet they were all in good shape. Judy, totally doable.

On the other hand, Fred Flintstone literally ran his car and he was freakin' huge.

Conspiracy? I think so.