Christmas Presents

Whatever happen to the good Christmas presents? Some people give watches or DVD, or hell, DVD players. Why not be a REAL friend and give a hooker. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a gift certificate to the local massage parlor.

Repellant

You know how there's that Off insect repellant stuff. I've come to realize that it may not be quite strong enough or be quite what I need. What I really need is two products. One called Bitch Be Gone and one called Crazy Be Gone. And if I can find a way to combine the two into Crazy Bitch Be Gone, I'd have a bottle of it with me every single day.

I may already be a winner

Hey, so I don’t want to get you too excited, but I was just notified that I may have just won 10,000,000 which is a lot of zeroes. See I’m not sure yet. But I may already be a winner. I can tell you for sure that someone with my initials, in my area has won and local TV news stations have been informed. So the odds are good. I don’t want to get my hopes up too soon, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be rich. Then I’ll buy my own island somewhere and spend the rest of my days drinking Red Stripe.

Why have these people not been sued for fraud yet?

Eating healthy

Look, I understand the health impacts of the way I eat, and when you can make a Brussel sprout taste like veal, I'm right there. But as long as broccoli tastes like broccoli and not like prime rib you can keep it to yourself.

82 virgins

So some believe that in Islam if you die as martyr you will receive 82 virgins in heaven. My worry though is that you don't know if there's a loophole to that. Like for example, what if all 82 of them were virgins for a reason? What if they were all fat and ugly? You kind of need to provide a little more detail there. I mean 82 virgins is one thing, but 82 fat and ugly virgins or what if they were female pseudohermaphroite virgins? How well would that go over? See people, before you go blowing yourself up in the name of a religion, make sure you read the fine print.

Airplane travel with a one armed man

I hate flying for a number of reasons, but all that is beside the point, the guy two seats from me (motherfucker had the aisle) couldn't decide between chips and a sandwich. And okay, i get it, the sandwich is a better meal but you never know about the quality so it's kind of a gamble for five bucks of turkey on a stale crouiss...croissant? Is that how you spell it? fuck, who cares. Anyway, so this indecisive prick is there for five minutes, going "well, on the one hand.....but on the other hand...." It was longest five minutes of my life. I was about twenty seconds from ripping off his arm and beating him with it while I yelled, "now you only have one hand motherfucker! Make a decision!"

Movies Remade Today

You know at the end of Die Hard 2, Bruce Willis just got his ass kicked by some Special Ops guy in a snowsuit and the plane carrying the drug lord that arranged the whole terrorist thing as a way to get out of jail is taking off. Right at the end where you see the fuel spalshing around, the Willis a.k.a John McClane, lights a zippo, gives his trademark "yippekayay motherfucker" and lights the jet fuel exploding the plane? Yeah, we couldn't do that now, becase TSA takes away my fucking lighters. So the next time a drug lord threatens the lives of thousands of Amercians on Christmas, that's right, blame TSA. I could have prevented it with a zippo, but no, for your safety, TSA took away my lighter thereby preventing me from saving the world by blowing up a plane full of renegade soldiers and a guy with a bad Colombian accent.

Thanks, TSA.

Honestly, I think i'm just on some kind of kick because of the Wizard of Oz thing, so this'll be a running theme now until I get bored of it.

I need to get lunch...

You know what would be neat. Instead of dragons that breathe fire, dragons that breathe lamb stew and/or beer. Beer breathing dragons would be awesome.

Wizard of Oz

You know how in The Wizard of Oz, at the end, Dorothy misses the balloon and the good witch tells her she can just click her heels three times to go home?
If I were Dorothy, I’d be fucking pissed. "You mean I could have done that the whole fucking time! You made me do all that shit, put my self and my dog in danger and made me wander around a city full of midgets and I could have gone home any time I wanted. Are you fucking kidding me!?!? I’m supposed to be the main goddamn character here, I’m the Character in Chief, and right now my intelligence service is sucking balls. Oh my God, I'm going to just....you know what, screw you guys, I’m going home.” Then she clicks her heels twice, points to the witch and says, "fuck you”, points to the lion and says “fuck you”, points to the scarecrow and says, ”you're cool”, points to the tin man and says, “fuck you. I'm out." Then she clicks her heels again and goes home

Anger Management

I have been accused, repeatedly, of bottling my anger an emotions, which is totally untrue. In fact I redirect my anger and emotions in the form of humor. Which means that anybody that knows me, knows I'm pissed off a lot.

You wouldn't know me from Adam

Has nobody heard the phrase "you don't know me from Adam"? I thought it was somewhere in the typical vernacular though it appears not. For those of you who have no fucking clue what I'm talking about the phrase basically means you don't know who I am. As in, you wouldn't be able to tell me apart from the first man on earth, even though you've repeatedly told you wouldn't sleep with me if I were the last man on earth.