Thursday, June 28, 2012


In every zombie apocalypse you have zombies eating a bunch of people, but you never see the zombies get fat or poop. I mean I get that brains aren't really a high fiber food, but even zombies have to stay regular right?

Are they bulimic? Or maybe part of being a zombie is just having a giant tapeworm? Seems to me that might be something that fat lazy Americans would be interested in. Fuck Atkins, all you have to do is eat brains and you'll never get bigger. And you can withstand massive wounds to the torso. Granted, your fear of fire will probably force you to give up grilling in the summer, but that's a minor trade off for keeping the pounds off right?

Degrees of Bad

If something is really bad are there degrees of bad? I mean, understand there's rape and then statutory rape but that's not what I mean, that's just kids with hormones who suck at math and don't understand the use of the "greater than" or "less than" sign when it comes to age.

I mean like if something is really really bad. Like are there degrees of bestiality? I mean if I'm fucking a sheep, does it matter which hole my dick is in?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Science Fiction Doesn't Believe in Dentists

Of all the amazing stuff you saw on Star Trek, you never saw dentists. Sure they had doctors that cold resolve a myocardial infarction by waving a little wand with a blinking light, but you never saw Bones or Dr. Crusher performing a root canal, which is kind of bullshit because there's no way you can tell me that Scotty was an avid flosser.

I'm just kind of surprised. I know it's science fiction, but Kirk's Enterprise still had a telephone operator. And with all the Klingon fist fights you know Kirk would have needed some dental work. Plus, Borg or not, there's no way you can tell me Jeri Ryan go that smile without an orthodontist. It just kind of feels like Gene Roddenberry lied to me.

Or maybe the Percocet is just kicking in.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


Probably not unless you're a Star Trek fan, but does anybody else accidentally confuse the Cardassians with the Kardashians in regular conversation? I'm pretty sure at least one of them is an alien anyway so it's not that big of a deal right?

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Alternative Medicine

I got the estimate for getting my wisdom teeth pulled today and  its $1400. Which is just goddamn insane. Anybody just want to punch me in the face for $5 instead? Ex's? Bosses? Employees?

One would think that my insurance would cover this, but that's actually AFTER my insurance. Which means my insurance is kind of like a black guy in the Republican Party, it's there but it doesn't do much.

Sunday, June 10, 2012


For shit's sake, you can't make a loco moco with a veggie burger. Only cows think that veggie burgers are ever a good idea. And even soy cows think that veggie burgers are just bullshit


If you're a vampire, what kind of dental insurance premiums do you pay? 'cause I'm not, but my coverage sucks and I'm looking for options

Friday, June 08, 2012

Feeling conflicted

I wonder if there are any racist English teachers that feel conflicted about the spelling of the work "klan" in the KKK. Just sitting there thinking about how the minorities are supposed to take you seriously and fear you if you can't spell a first grade word.

Thursday, June 07, 2012


The only thing that makes sky mall successful is that you mix alcohol in confined spaces at high altitudes with shopping.

which means the Macy's in Denver should open a bar...For that matter, any department store should open a bar....for that matter, every store should open a bar.

Extra Benefits

You know what would be great about being Superman? Never having to pay for plane tickets or hassle with TSA lines. Ever.

Don't get me wrong, heat vision and invulnerability seem pretty cool, but being able to tell the airlines to go fuck themselves and their baggage fees, plus being able to avoid random groping, how awesome would that be?

On the flip side, when Superman gets older, he should probably work for TSA. Like how some retirees work as Wal-Mart greeters? He could be the x-ray scanner.

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

It's an election year

How do I know it's an election year? I just had a conversation where abortion was referred to as a "baby recall election before taking office"

Sunday, June 03, 2012

The hare

I have a really good friend who's always trying some kind of get rich quick scheme. His fiancé gives him crap sometimes with the more wacky ventures like "safety beer" in plastic bottles (seriously), and occasionally reminds him of the children's story about the tortoise and the hare and comparing him to the hard. And I guess the moral of the story is supposed to be that slow and steady wins the race. But that's crap.

the hare was clearly the superior animal, he was just overconfident and lazy. So the moral of the story should be don't be overconfident and lazy. But the hard is still clearly the superior animal. Plus he's a fucking genius. He could rationalize taking a nap in the middle of a race. That's a pretty smart rabbit. Most of the rabbits I've ever known are pretty damn stupid. Cute, but stupid. Like high school cheerleaders. You should be so lucky as to be as smart as the hard. He could organize and put a wager on a race and rationalize a nap all before lunch. You should be so fucking productive.

Advice to My Younger Self

I was recently asked what advice I would give to my younger self. After a bit of thinking I’ve come up with the following. Feel free to add your own

1. All that stuff you care about today? Yeah, none of it matters

2. Learn to be more sociable. You’ll get laid more often.

3. Invest in Google and Apple. Yeah, Apple.

4. You’re not indestructible.

5. You’re not as smart as you think you were.

6. Talk less, write more. You lie too much when you talk

7. On the flip side, honesty is not always the best policy

8. To five year old me: you might not think it, but coffee is really good.
To ten year old me: you might not think it, but beer is really good.
To fifteen year old me: you might not think it, but scotch is really good.
To twenty year old me: you should probably be drinking more water.

9. Don’t put off the medical issues. Get them checked when you first notice them. Again I remind you, you’re not indestructible.

10. You will face rejection, just as much, if not more than, acceptance. Get used to it.

11. It’s okay to jump in the deep end of the pool. Take a few more risks I’ll appreciate it.

12. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse. None of that is wasted effort.

13. “B & E” is not a skill you put on your resume. Even if it is useful

14. Don’t be too proud for anything

15. Michael Keaton is still the best Batman. In retrospect you were just interested in Alicia Silverstone wearing something skin-tight.

Friday, June 01, 2012

It's the opposite of what you think

No lady, I'm not "undressing you with my eyes" you're in a checkout line causing a pretty big fucking scene. I just want to buy my Excedrin and go the fuck home. If anything I'm ADDING clothes. ....and in a few months probably about a dozen cats.