Perception of Difference

Sometimes it’s fun how the perception of differences change with age. For my kid, there’ a big difference between 7’th grade and 9’th. But for me, the difference between sleeping with a 23 year old and a 25 year old is negligible. Probably even less significant than the bra size of the respective 23 and 25 year olds. And it’s even less significant of a difference when you realize (as if it wasn’t plainly obvious) that I’m sleeping with neither a 23 year old nor a 25 year old. 

Miracles

Say you’re in the desert in the Middle East at this time of Christ and someone turns water into wine, is that really such a good thing? Alcohol dehydrates you quicker, so drinking wine means you actually need the water more and someone just changed it all. And notice that there isn't much in the way of specifics. Nobody said it was good wine, and it’s the desert, not exactly the best climate to store wine pre-refrigerators. Maybe it’s just pruno and the church was putting a spin on things. Besides, it’s not like you just wander around the desert with a decanter full of water, so you’re probably not even getting the most out of it. I figure, at best, someone took your water and left you with lukewarm Yellowtail. Leave it to the Christians to leave you worse off and call it a miracle. 

Ghosts

It seems to me that ghosts spend way too much time haunting houses. People spend lot of time stuck in traffic, often in a highly emotional state. Why aren’t there more haunted cars? Or if ghosts are tied to strong emotions, I bet there were lots of those at schools and sporting events, but you don’t hear much about stadiums being haunted. I think the ghosts just aren’t trying hard enough. I would haunt gardens. Make all your tomatoes grow into the phallic shapes and your peas only have one pea in them. Messing with house lighting is like what a 12-year old does trying to change a light bulb. You can do better ghosts. 

I envy Hamilton

I want to bring back dueling so I can rid (at least the small part I inhabit of) the world of hipsters. Or die trying, either will rid me of dealing with as least some percentage of pretentious asshats and so will be perfectly acceptable.

I dislike waiting in line to get breakfast

Sometimes I wonder if Hawaii wouldn’t be a little bit better if it was a little bit crappier. So that people wouldn’t want to come here as much, crowd the place and drive up the cost of living. Nothing horrible like a weekly lava demon attack or Donald Trump running the state. Just, like, the occasional sharknado during summer to discourage tourists.

Motivation

Remember kids, you can do anything you want to do. Someone tells you there's something you can't do, you do it just to spite them. So don't you let people tell you that you can never give up or that you can't quit. Because if you really put your heart and soul into it, you can give up any time you want.

I would still rank above helper monkey

Who pick up after a blind guy’s seeing-eye dog? Or are they trained well enough to locate and use a public restroom? That would be pretty cool wouldn’t it? Plus, good excuse if you accidentally walk into the wrong restroom. Maybe I should get one and find out. I wonder if a regular dog sees a K-9 unit and thinks “shit, the cops!” But then, does a seeing-eye dog outrank a K-9 dog? I think the hierarchy would go Navy dolphin, bomb-sniffing dog, seeing-eye dog, helper monkey, the drug-sniffing dog, then plumbing snake.

Better than a gecko

If I was to get a car, I'd want it to be a Transformer. You'd think they'd have pretty bad mileage, but you never see them stopping in the middle of a fight to find a Chevron station. Plus, I bet I could save more than 15% on my car insurance by switching to a robot car that could fucking blow you up.

Breakfast

Egg whites should not make an omelet. If we’ve learned anything from the civil rights movement, it’s that whites only is bad policy. But I’ll have a cup of coffee, black.

Aliens

Why don’t I believe that aliens abduct people? Because I think signs that say “free beer” would be really good lures to get humans to where you want them to go to abduct them and the aliens are smart enough to know this so if it was happening, I should see a lot more signs saying “free beer”