careers

If that lady had been wearing yellow, would Chris de Burgh still have a career?

dogs

If your dog can fit inside another dog's mouth, it's not a dog, it's a snack. A noisy snack, but a snack nonetheless. It's like a Dorito. A juicy, juicy, Doritio.

Fraud

Strawberries and raspberries aren't actually berries, but avocados are. My mixed berry yogurt is a goddamn fraud. A tasty one, but a fraud nonetheless.

Outbreak

If America expands Medicare I'd be less worried about a mass public outbreak of Boogie Fever.

Accomplishment

I am feeling particularly unaccomplished this evening. There's a 35 year old in Texas who's not only managed to get himself a job that comes with an official federal law enforcement badge, but also managed to (allegedly) kill four people and attempt to kill one more. I'm not going to say how much older I am than this guy, but I have to admit, I haven't even attempted to kill one person yet, let alone succeeded four other times. All I do is pay taxes and furiously masturbate to weird porn. I'm way behind the curve here. My life lacks accomplishment.

Essence of Cool

I still have a hard time understanding a generation where sucking on a flash drive makes you look stupider but is somehow cooler than smoking weed.

Failure

What have I done so wrong with my life that Amazon is trying to sell me a 10 piece hedgehog garden decorations set in its recommendations?

Endings

I have a whole loaf of fresh, warm french bread and skipped lunch to go run errands. This is not going to end well.

Colorblind

Do you still call it Bluetooth if you're colorblind? I mean, how would you know?

Dublin

Had a phone interview today for a job in Dublin. Was all jazzed about it. Seemed like an interesting job and at least one of them was ready to make me an offer over the phone. I wouldn't be surprised if I still get an offer. That said, I spent an hour on the phone with these people trying VERY HARD not to comment on how the accents didn't sound like I expected them to sound before I found out they're based in Dublin, OH and not Dublin, Ireland. It would have to be one hell of an offer.

Pandas and Frogs

Why don’t I consider intelligent design a reasonable theory to be taught in science class? Because it’s not a theory. It’s inherently not an idea that can be tested in a replicable manner. If you want to teach it in a religion class, I’m okay with that. But it inherently relies on God, who, if he does exist is such a ad designer that He made the panda; an animal so lazy that even porn isn’t enough to get to get it to fuck. There are frog species who mate in these giant orgies. Sometimes female frogs are crushed to death in these piles and are still successful in mating. But the panda is still too lazy to fuck. Any designer of sufficient intelligence, either designed the panda intentionally because he’s kind of an asshole, or isn’t that intelligent of a designer. I’m not expecting the genetics version of Steve Jobs but the panda is the sort of work you expect from a five year old on a sugar high. So no, intelligent design should not be taught in science class.

English is a stupid language that cannot adequately express what I'm trying to communicate

You know how sometimes, at the end of a long day of work where you actually did something, you have this combination of exhaustion and pride in a job well done? Like there’s something in the completion of a herculean task that fills you with satisfaction, or would, if you weren’t so physically and mentally drained from finishing it? It’s like that balance between exertion and the gratification that comes with accomplishment. The thing that drove the Little Engine that Could, or keeps Snoopy in the dogfight against the Red Baron, or pushes Garfield to eat the lasagna despite the fact he’s already eaten like six of them. What was my point here? Oh yeah, don’t tell a girl “you look tired” and English is a stupid fucking language that doesn’t have the words you need.

sports

Do other professions have their own amateur sports leagues? I like the idea of drug dealers trying to field a softball team or money launderers proving their math skills by manually tallying bowling scores.

lies

We tell our kids they can be anything they want but that’s a lie. “You can be anything you’re willing to work hard enough for” is a little closer but still not quite correct. I like to tell my kid that you can be anything that you can be. Except Beyonce.

YOLO

Interpersonal communication used to mean people around a campfire, probably in a cave somewhere, discussing key survival skills like which plants were toxic and where to find clean water. Now it’s hashtags, and “OMG” and “YOLO” and if this is the end result of why we developed a cortex, your intelligent designer must be pretty fucking disappointed.

cats

If that’s what Schroedinger is willing to do to his cat, what would he do with his wife and kids?

Society

I’m not saying economic and military strength don’t matter. I’m just saying I judge a society by its public restrooms. Japan is orderly and repressed. China spies on you with cameras before barely giving you what you need. The French just piss in the street.  And if you’ve ever been in a McDonald’s you know that America is just a horrific hot mess.

environmentally responsible dating

The older I get the more normal it seems to be dating someone who’s divorced. In my twenties, maybe there was some stigma to it. At this point, I just view it as people recycling. It's just environmentally responsible. There's already kids, no needs for continued over population and I don't need a newer model, I'm fine with a refurbished unit.

pieces

Sure I believe in monogamy. I like to be the top hat or the car.

Advice to my kid

Look, if you want to start a band, that’s fine. I mean, Coldplay exists so it must have started somewhere. It’s not like you could disappoint me more than that.

ask the question

Is Chinese chicken salad so good because it has chicken or because it’s Chinese? Either way, just for asking, you’re probably racist.

belief

I believe in God. I believe that the Republican Party is proof of the existence of God. Nothing this craptacular could have just popped into existence. It must have been created by some negligent teenager who hates us all.

all therapists are superviillans

You know what would be the ultimate super-villain for the Flash to go up against? His therapist. Only person on the planet who could make the Flash stay in one place for an hour.

friends

Remember when you were a kid, how easy it was to make new friends? There's not really any good reason it should be that hard when you’re an adult. It just is. It’s hard to make new friends. You’re limited to the friends you already had and you get temporary custody of your partner’s friends when you’re dating someone and maybe one or two people from work….and that’s about it. You can’t just go up to people and go “hey i like rocky road ice cream too. Let’s be friends.” If someone randomly comes up to you and said that, it’s a good signal that conversation is going to end up with someone getting raped and/or murdered and not necessarily in that order. And as you get older, your friends start to die off one by one. It’s not like phones or TVs. You can’t just replace your lost friend with a new one from Amazon. Wouldn’t it be great if you could though? Just order up a new one with Prime delivery. It might be a refurbished one that would be better with a new battery but it’ll do. It’s not like you need a perfect, brand-new friend. The newer models aren’t that special anyway. Sure, they’re shiny but they’re designed to be replaced every couple of years. And yeah, they might some good music, but who needs that many selfies? There’s got to be a good way to make new friends right? I mean, aside from medical marijuana prescriptions. ‘Cause that’s just too easy.

by the numbers

Heart disease and cancer make up nearly half of all US deaths. I don’t want to go out from something so common. I’m going for eaten by piranhas in a swimming pool. And yes, I intentionally put them there.

fish

After having an allergic reaction to...something, I think the worst thing in the world to be would be an itchy fish. You can’t reach anything with a dorsal fin.

beaches

It’s not so much embarrassment over nudity that prevents me from going to a nude beach. It’s the risk of getting a combination sunburn and UTI

tolerance

Okay, so as it turns out, my old laptop has a very low tolerance for alcohol.

Mercy killing

I accept that I, like many Americans, will likely die of a heart attack or some kind of coronary disease. Given my lifestyle it’s really less of an ‘attack’ and more of a ‘mercy killing’.

The Internet

The internet isn’t really an addiction. Nobody is giving blowjobs in the back of a van for WiFi or a couple of upvotes. But if you know of someone who is, please post their info to the internet.

Social Media

Social Media is really only social in the same way as syphilis is. You should probably be a little more careful about hanging with people who have either, and both are viral.

Unions

You’d think that of anyone in the animal kingdom, sharks would really need dentists the most. All those teeth and no floss? That can’t be good. What sharks really need is a better union and some PR help. When a cop kills someone they get qualified immunity and a whole press conference full of guys who remind you how difficult the job is and how the video evidence doesn’t show the whole story. When a shark kills somebody they get a press conference too, but it’s usually about how everybody is ready to pitch in and kill the shark. If that’s not a cry for better collective bargaining, I don’t know what is.

note to self

Note to self: next time you have to give a wedding toast, remember not to confuse Corinthians with Kardashians.

Hospitals

I don’t really like the idea of family being in the hospital but if I had to visit someone I’d want them to be in the Mayo clinic so that when I have to eat the cafeteria sandwiches they’re not all dried out.

Nature

When a bear shits in the woods does it need to wipe?

History

I like science and I’m a bit of a nerd so I have to believe that Hitler isn't really that bad. Look, if time travel exists then what’s the first thing everyone talks about doing? You go back in time and kill Hitler. I mean, for myself I’d go back and kill the first spider just to teach them a lesson, or I’d meet early humans and teach them about oral sex so they stop overpopulating the planet. Something like that. But everybody talks about going back in time to kill Hitler. So if I believe that human innovation is boundless, then one day we’ll have time travel and if I believe that those humans would to back to correct the worst part of history, then a world with Hitler can’t be all that bad. Or at least it’s better than a world without Hitler. If only for the fact that people on the Internet wouldn't be able to keep comparing every little thing to Hitler.