Monday, February 26, 2007

Captain Planet is a damn terrorist

So I was thinking about this recently and yeah the guy saves the planet. But think about this for a sec. 1) International paedophile - He's got kids from all over the globe that he has running around the globe for him and 2) Terrorist - He's destroying duly sanctioned business development projects across the globe. Not only does he violation the domestic laws of just about every underdeveloped country, further increasing poverty and destroying private property, he violates international law and considering the dude can fuck with lava and make giant trees pop out of the earth, he's violating human rights conventions as well. Goddamn hippie terrorists.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Babies and Vegetarians

So I was watching this thing on PBS last night and I was wondering, do lions look at babies the same way we look at veal? And if I lion had to eat a vegetarian, would he spit it out because of the tofu?

Hearts and Minds, Literally?

Do you think that when the President talks about the battle for the hearts and minds of Iraqis he means it literally? I mean, I thought it was a metaphor or something, but considering the way things are going. I'm not so sure anymore. We've got people beling blow up and people blowing themselves up and other people getting tortured. It's getting to the point that I'm starting to believe that the President quite literally means he wants to take the hearts and the minds of Iraqis and put them in a fucking jar or something. Like start a collection maybe.

I mean hell, Dick Cheney already eats puppies so is it that much of a stretch to think that Bush 2 would really be wanting someones heart? I know it sounds grotesque, but think about it for a second. It's not like he has a mind of his own. So he certainly could use a few and it's not like the Iraqis are dumb. Shit, they outsmarted him. Well okay bad example, a retarded chimp could outsmart him, but you get the point. I'm sure at some point Condi "my name sounds like bad Puerto Rican food" Rice told him that we were waging a battle for "hearts and minds" and I'm sure she meant it metaphorically, but I'm not so sure that GW took it that way. I'm pretty sure at this point that his goal is oil and a wall full of Iraqi hearts in jars.

And the whole thing of course is an obvious Wizard of Oz joke with GW as the scarecrow biking down the yellow brick road singing "If I only had a brain," right before he smacks into another tree. And Cheney follows him dressed as a tin man going to see the wizard to get a heart. Which I suppose makes Rumsfeld the Lion. I don't have a joke here, I just think he's a pussy. And Condi is the obvious Dorothy. And none of that racist shit because right after Colin Powell and Clarence Thomas, and maybe Bill Cosby, she's like the whitest black person on the face of the earth.

So yeah, basically the entire Bush presidency is a bad re-enactment of the Wizard of Oz on LSD, in slow motion...way way way too fucking slow motion. Eight years slow motion. Jesus fuck I wish I could just remain drunk for eight years and wake up with a massive hangover when we either have a black guy or the Clinton with the bigger balls in office.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Silicon v Silicone

Just to clarify, because this came up today in a conversation, silicone is fake tits, silicon is what allows your computer to put all the fake tits on the Internet onto your screen.


Some people give up things like smoking for lent. I'm giving up sex. That's easy, 'cause I don't get any anyway. And Oprah, I give up watching Oprah. Also something I don't do anyway. See it's easy. Goddan Catholics all try to make life difficult.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


Most people learn from their mistakes. I usually don't. And on top of that, I make whole new mistakes that I don't learn from. It's a wonder, I haven't forgotten how to breathe, or gotten confused and accidentally held my breathe until I passed out, or something like that. Or caught some veneral disease.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Valetine's Day

Seriously, fuck Valentine's Day. It's like tax day for romance. And there's no such thing as capital gains in romance. Only losses. I can't write off the three grand you racked up on my credit cards. I don't get a tax credit for listening to you complain on a nightly basis and I can't even use the cell phone bills that have been racking up as a business expense. The only difference between Feb. 14 and Apr. 15 is that I know the IRS will fuck me hard this year, I can't say the same for you.

And seriously, it's like suddenly the ghost of relationship past has come down to kick you in the throat with a steel toed boot. And those litte candies. If it looks like chalk, and tastes like chalk, it's chalk, even if it has a cute little message on it.