Tuesday, February 24, 2015


Do you think the editors of the Bible had auditions for stories? Like American Idol style tryout to see what would make it and what wouldn’t? I mean it’s already a pretty long book and at some point you’ve got to say, “look, there’s only so many pages.” So water into wine, that makes the cut, but maybe the face of the messiah appearing on a pita was voted out. But then you come to today and the cost of publishing has gone down quite a bit because of digital media, so you get the face of Jesus on a piece of toast, the Internet goes nuts. See religion and science can go together, it’s how we tell more stories of the pattern recognition of people’s brain putting in a little overtime without having to make a newer testament of the post-modern day saints. I want to see the stories that didn't make it in. Bob doesn't get swallowed by a giant fish, but he did get bitten by a shark. Or something like that.

Monday, February 23, 2015


I had to spend a pretty good amount on my kid’s braces. Generally I disagree with spending that much on what is essentially vanity. I mean orthodontics are fine and all, but they don’t really solve any real medical problem and in fact they can cause some problems. So it’s really just vanity. I might as well just cover his face in shiny silver and gold coins, it would be more distracting than messed up teeth and would probably be cheaper. But here’s how I justify the expenditure: dental records. I haven’t really seen a dentist in quite some time and I doubt anyone could find any dental records for me at this point, so if I die in a horrible fire or a drone strike or whatever, it could be a while before they identify me. But my kid has dental records now. So if he dies horribly in a tragic napalm mishap the insurance company will be able to ID him. Well, they’ll be able to ID him after they pay me whatever the braces cost +10%

Friday, February 20, 2015

Star Wars Shaving

As I stood shaving this morning I realized that Obi Wan Kenobi was on that desert planet of Tatooine for years. And even though he had a beard, he didn’t walk around looking like the Hare Krisha version of of ZZ Top. So what did he use to shave? A lightsaber? Kind of unwieldy and I would hate to imagine what the razor burn from a lightsaber would be like. For that matter, you never saw any of them with really any kind of hygiene. I mean obviously Lando was a pretty pimp looking guy and must have taken care of himself, but you never saw any of them even brush their teeth, which means the worst part about Luke and Leia kissing wasn’t the brother sister thing, it was the halitosis.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Health Care

Last Dec. I had surgery to have my gallbladder removed and a day after I had a scheduled date, but a good couple of weeks before I actually had the surgery, I got a call from the hospital telling me they had calculated my portion of the hospital bill (the calculation was off BTW) and would I like to pay my portion right then. It wasn’t going to be any less if I pre-paid it and it didn’t include the bill from the surgeon, anesthesiologist, labs and whatever else, just the hospital. Here’s the thing though, it wasn’t any lower if I pre-paid it or was just invoiced later (and I just got the thing now, in Feb.). If it’s not going to be any cheaper why the hell would I pay you beforehand? What if I was horribly maimed or died during the surgery? Or what if I had to reschedule? I would have already paid you. Does that seem right? At least this way you have a motivation not to screw up. I slip and fall on a urine puddle and I’ll let your bill run to collections forever. I’m not opening a tab at a bar, I’m opening my abdomen to a robot with a camera; and I think a laser. And now, a month and a half later, I get the real invoice and your calculation was off. Not by much, but you were wrong anyway. So even if I had pre-paid it, I would have paid you too much. What am I supposed to do with store credit at a hospital? Apply it to my next colonoscopy? Put it on a gift card? Now that I’ve had the surgery, I’ll happily pay you. Well, not happily, ‘cause my portion of the $10,000 hospital bill was still a good amount and I was only there for the afternoon, so I’m not thrilled to be shelling out for something that I have serious issues with the costs of, but I’ll pay it. I mean seriously, for $10,000 an afternoon I could rent a private jet, or a virgin hooker or something. You’re telling me the going rate for an outpatient bed and surgical gown is equal that of a virgin hooker? Or like 35 grams of cocaine (there’s no valid reason why I know that, or can do that math in my head, don’t ask). There’s something seriously fucked here. Though to be fair, they did validate parking. So I get these various bills and all in, I’ll probably be out of pocket about a grand, which isn’t too bad. And I’ll certainly pay that to be able to eat foods without fear of stabbing abdominal pain and vomiting every night, so this isn’t really a complaint, but let’s be honest, I was unconscious for the vast majority of this. How do I know they did anything at all? Or didn’t do something more? Maybe I walked out of there less one gallbladder but with an implanted RFID chip so the NSA can track me. Or they got a shrink ray and Raquel Welch ala Fantastic Voyage is cruising around my upper GI tract in a submarine right now. Still, if my portion of this routine and relatively minor, outpatient surgery that only lasted half of an afternoon costs a fraction of the about $15,000 (if you include the hospital, doctors, labs, etc.) can you imagine how absolutely useless the Six-Million Dollar Man would be today? That’s like a hernia operation, a pair of Air Jordans’ and a rascal scooter. Incidentally, I saw what I think was a homeless woman on a rascal scooter today and that image is imprinted on my brain forever.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015


Not to be insensitive here, even though I know I probably am, but you have to do better than shuffling towards me from 6 ft. away mumbling “I’m hungry” semi-coherently while I’m writing notes to myself so I don’t forget to do things. This is not a way to get anything from me, let alone money. You want something, ask. Making a statement is useless. I’m hungry too. Haven’t eaten anything since last night and I’ve been going between conference calls, impromptu meetings and trying to get 15 things done at the same time. I’ve been basically non-stop from 8:15 AM to 6 PM with my longest break being elevator rides between floors. Admittedly, I got a cup of coffee, but guess what? I’m hungry too. See how statements don’t help either of us? I’m not expecting “will work for food” but you can do better than a mumbled “I’m hungry” if you’re going to interrupt me literally and figuratively with your hand out, like I’m supposed to plop a cookie there on demand or something. And now that I write this, I fully expect karma is going to come back and bite me in the ass, so have at it.


237 spam emails telling me to "amaze your girlfriend." Really? Thanks, but I like to keep expectations low. Unless you have a really cool card trick, I think I'll pass.

Sunday, February 08, 2015


I await the day some reality TV show takes a rhino, puts it on a diet, slathers it in moisturizer, gives it a makeover and transforms it into a unicorn. Until then reality TV can suck it.

Better than toast

Every time I see them, I think, "you know, that cinnamon roll looks great. I would love one with the cream cheese frosting." Then I have one and it's just meh. I mean, not bad, better than plain toast but not spectacular. I feel a little disappointed. It's like what I imagine I would feel if I actually got to have sex with a supermodel. Or is that supposed to be "hope" instead of imagine? Just so my world doesn't shatter. Who knew breakfast could be so existential? 100% Kona coffee though. And given that I didn't get to sleep until after 3 it's probably better than sex with a supermodel.

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Heart Disease

I got this email that Friday is national wear red day, because something like 1/3 of women "dies of heart disease or stroke and it’s 80% preventable.” I don’t believe that. I’m not denying the science mind you. I’m denying the language and sentiment. Death is not 80% preventable. It’s 100% going to happen. It’s just a question of how. So what you’re really saying is that by preventing heart disease and stroke, you’re rooting for Alzheimer’s, dementia, diabetes, lung cancer, breast cancer, brain cancer, bone cancer and occasional police brutality to beat heart disease to the punch (pun intended). And that just seems wrong. Also, none of that is really prevented by you wearing red clothing. Stroke does not care the color of your blouse or socks. Heart disease is a little more racist but still doesn’t really care what you wear. If it’s awareness you’re going for. Have a fat white guy with a beard walk around in a red suit slapping hamburgers out of people’s hands all day. That would be far more effective and would probably raise more media attention and thus awareness.

BTW: This is purely a selfish idea but I like to think that if I knew my clock was running out, I would go on my own terms. Steak – medium rare, single malt, cohiba, skydiving with no parachute.

Monday, February 02, 2015

Super Bowl

I’ve been trying to get worked up over the Super Bowl, but even a day later, I can’t really. I mean, yes, it was a close game and probably a bad call. But if the pass had worked, that nimrod would be getting all kinds of praise for being a maverick, unconventional thinker. Doesn’t matter anyway. Like I said, I just can’t get worked up over the game. The best I can do is say that I saw the first minute or so of the half time show and about 30 seconds in, watching Katy Perry singing astride a giant metal tiger I realized, this is why the terrorists hate us. The NFL has me agreeing with terrorists now. I give up.