Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Water Landing

In case of a "water landing"? Really, "water landing" water is a liquid, this plane is a solid. This is not some Monty Python skit where we can compare things to the weight of a duck, this is an aluminum can without pontoons. You don't make a water landing in something like this. And while I grant you that water can freeze into ice and in theory you can land on ice that's thick enough, this is Hawaii, the only ice we have comes from the freezer and goes into the pilots drink.

What you really mean is 'crash' and in the event of a crash I'm going to ditch the seat cushion and use the fat bastard next to me as a flotation device.

Sunday, September 22, 2013


It would just be such a much more interesting store if it was named Bed, Bath and Harpoon

Sunday, September 15, 2013


I don't think the lesson is so much that King Midas was greedy, but rather that he was just stupid. Any 15 year old male know's the whole "everything I touch turns to gold" bit is going to end with you having a shiny yellow prick.

What he should have said was that henceforth any dog I touch and any of its descendants for the rest of time shall shit 24 karat gold. Not only would he and his family have been set for a pretty long time but more importantly, it would save random joggers from soiling their shoes.

Thursday, September 12, 2013


Okay here's the thing. I knew I was having oral surgery today, I knew that there were going to be stitches in my mouth. I knew it was going to hurt and that I was probably going to want to subsist on a diet of smoothies, rice and soft foods for a day or two. Still I went last night and bought a big can of cashews. And now they're sitting on my desk mocking me. On the plus side I did learn today that putting prescription painkillers in a child-proof bottle is like a little test. If you're not conscious enough to open the bottle on your own the painkillers are sill working. Of course when you are lucid enough to push and twist at the same time, they've worn off and it still takes 20 min. for the next dose to kick in while you sit pondering whether or not cashews and open mouth wounds are a good combination, but still...

Thursday, September 05, 2013

Time and Politics

I was just asked if I was a Republican because I'm a stickler for time. Since when the hell is being conscientious of other people's time and deadlines a Republican trait? If saying "it'll take 10 minutes" then not being done until an hour and 48 fucking minutes later when I didn't home from work until 7 PM is a Democrat thing, I'm changing my voter registration. Seriously, I mean not to sound unappreciative of the leftover pizza, because I skipped lunch so I actually am pretty happy, but if I lived by your clock I'd be voting for Clinton's second term next year. Maybe that's why Democrats lose so fucking always it takes them an hour and 48 minutes to cast a ballot. Look, I can't help the fact that you suck at time management. I CAN decide not to mired in your bullshit and that doesn't reflect in any way, shape, or form on my dislike of the conservative right. Stupid like this makes me hate to be a Democrat. Until I hear any 30 second clip from Bachmann or Boehner then I remember that I hate he Republicans because the reasonable ones that might actually be more than functional illiterates are too scared of the extremely bat-shit insane to control their own party. But still, at least a Bachmann 30 second sound bites actually last 30 seconds. I know there's a premature ejaculation joke in here somewhere, I'm really not inclined to find it but even if I did, it would still take less of my time than you did tonight with something that was supposed to "take 10 minutes". Fucking Democrats.