Monday, April 24, 2006

God Picks Shitty Real Estate Investments

How come all of the most hard-core, crazy ass relgious fanatics are in the most inhospitable of locations?

Deserts. Tsunami zones. Tornado-riven plains. Utah! Why doesn't God ever pick a nice spot somewhere in the tropics. To me, those are the chosen people. You think people in Tahiti are sitting around trying to plot how to kill the infidels or overthrow a pharoh? Shit no, they're kicking back, eating a mango laughing at the fundamentalist Mormons in freezing-ass cold Utah who're try to prepare for the end of world by marrying half a dozen 13-year olds. Now if someone in the Cayman Islands claimed God talked to them and said they were the chosen people, I'd might consider listening.

Non-Prophet Organization

Cleaning out my hard drive I found the episode of Jeopardy where Ken Jennings finally loses after winning over 2 million dollars. Very cool. The only catch is that Ken is a Mormon, lives in Salt Lake City and gave something like 10 or 15 percent of his winnings as tithing to the church. Not that the IRS cares mind you, there going to tax his ass at the full rate because giving money to a bunch of polygamist nimrods isn't tax deductible. If Ken were really smart, he would have setup his own non-prophet organization, dumped a bunch of money into that, gotten a tax write off and bought an island somewhere in the carribean with 20 miles of soft beachs and tropical weather.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Time passes slowly

It's amazing how slowly time passes when the most important thing you have going is defragmenting your hard drive at two in the morning.

Population Control

I think there should be a rule. For every new Starbucks, we have to kill one Republican. Doesn’t matter which one, draw them at random, doesn’t matter to me, but that should be the rule. The next time Dick Cheney needs a heart bypass, you know what, just ignore his surgery. Four times is God telling you that enough’s enough. Chalk it up to population control and let him die already.

Global Warming

A record season of massive hurricanes isn’t a clue of global warming? What the hell do you need? Does God himself need to come downstairs and tell you to stop messing around with the thermostat?

Sushi is Theft

I know the Japanese mafia, the yakuza, they like to cut off their pinky finger, but holy high fuck, that doesn’t mean the guy making my hamachi has to charge an arm and a leg for it. I don’t understand how something can be that fucking expensive when you don’t even have to cook it. He’s like the robber that takes my damn wallet at knifepoint but he’s nice enough to make me dinner and serve green tea.

plural of hippy?

hey, what exactly is the plural form of a hippy? You get a school of fish, a gaggle of geese, a herd of Catholics, if you know the plural form of a hippy let me know.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Somewhat tongue in cheek, I was told today to put my money where my mouth is. Personally, I prefer the term "put up or shut up." But that's just me. Telling me to put my money where my mouth is, is just gross. I know where my mouth has been and quite frankly, I don't want to soil my money.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

It's not that I'm opposed to paying taxes.

Seriously, it's not that I disagree with paying taxes. There are some things like roads and public schools that I'm perfectly happy to pay taxes for. It's just that some of the shit is so stupid that if we're going to do it we might as well do it cheap and not waste my fucking money.

Like a national missile defense shield. As fast as they can get the thing working to shoot down enemy missiles, our enemy, well enemies now, will develop new missiles to beat our shield. So I say fuck it, why waste the money, just ask our enemy to paint a face on their missiles and put Dick Cheney up in a blimp with a shotgun. It'd save us tax money and probably just as, if not more successful than all these crazy ass missile shield ideas.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Global Warming

I had an epiphany yesterday while I was sitting in a nice cool room. I've got this whole global warming thing solved. What we need is air conditioning for the planet.

What the world needs now
is air conditioning
no not just for some
but for everyone.