Airplane Mode

 Imagine if your soul was consistently stuck in airplane mode.

That's Ted Cruz.

Lent

 This year for Lent, I'm giving up on humanity.

Vaccination

I just want to be clear for the more conspiracy theory minded who might see this: none of you are worth microchipping.

Hallmark Cards

 Me: You’re welcome.

Kid: For what?

Me: For having sex with your mom.

Kid: ...

Me: Happy Birthday.

Second Impeachment

 So what did we learn from impeachment? It turns out I can agree with the majority of Republican Senators that Mike Pence can go fuck himself.

Rotation

 According to my calendar, I'm on rotation again in the office starting tomorrow, but I woke up this morning not remembering the last time I actually wore pants. So this should be an interesting week.

Wasted Youth

 I should've joined more cults in my 20's. It would just be too awkward now.